Comparing your relationship to others (and social media)

New relationships, big changes or a rough patch can make you wonder, “Is this normal?” Looking at other couples feels like a quick way to check. The trouble is that you only ever see a small piece of their life.

A research thesis on attachment found that people who worry more about closeness and rejection also tend to have unhelpful comparison habits, which can weigh on self-esteem. If comparing hits hard, it may be touching an older worry about being lovable.

In experiments with dating and married people, the way people interpreted a comparison to a friend’s relationship shaped how satisfied, committed and happy they felt afterward. The comparison itself was only part of the effect.

Gentler ways to read a comparison

• “That looks lovely. Is it something we’d actually want?”
• “I’m seeing their best moment, not their whole week.”
• “What is this feeling trying to tell me I need?”

Things couples rarely post

• Arguments that go round in circles
• Couples therapy or counselling
• Health, money or family stress
• Loneliness inside the relationship
• The ordinary, quiet days that make up most of life

Some couples post more when things feel shaky, not less. A happy photo tells you very little about how two people treat each other day to day.

In Pew’s survey, 81% of partnered adults who see relationship posts said those posts don’t make much difference to how they feel about their own relationship. About 9% said they feel worse, and about 9% said they feel better.

If you are in the group that feels worse, you are not alone, and it is worth looking at how and when you scroll.

Among single people who are looking for a partner, a third say relationship posts make them feel worse about their dating life. Women were more likely than men to say so.

In the same study, on days when one partner made more upward comparisons, the other partner also felt less satisfied and less hopeful about the relationship. Comparison is not only a private habit. It can shape the mood between you.

“At least we’re not as bad as them” can be comforting. But it can also be a way to brush past something that is hurting you. Your relationship deserves to be measured by how safe, respected and cared for you feel, not by who is doing worse.

Try this when a comparison stings

1. Name it: “I’m comparing us to them.”
2. Get curious: what exactly do I wish we had? Time together? Fun? Affection?
3. Check the evidence: do I actually know how their relationship feels from the inside?
4. Bring the wish, not the comparison, to your partner: “I miss date nights. Can we plan one?”

Leaving the other couple out of the conversation helps. “Why can’t you be more like Sam?” feels like criticism. “I’d love more of this with you” is an invitation.

Questions to ask yourself

• Am I in a hurry because I want this, or because others have it?
• Would I still want this if nobody else could see it?
• What do we each want in the next year, five years, ten?

Couples who talk openly with each other about their hopes and dreams are more likely to be happy, according to the Gottman Institute.

Family questions often come from caring, even when they feel intrusive. A short, warm answer can help: “We’re happy, and we’ll share news when there is some.” Agree as a couple how much you want to share.

Single people who are looking for a partner are the group most likely to feel worse after seeing relationship posts. It can help to notice when scrolling leaves you low, and to spend that time on friendships and things you enjoy.

What helps

• Ask how they feel, not what they should do
• Avoid adding your own comparisons (“at least you have a partner”)
• Remind them of what you value in them, not their relationship status
• Share honestly if you have felt the same

Feeling empathy and a shared future with your partner can turn a comparison into pride rather than envy. Saying it out loud (“I’m so proud of you”) is a small way of turning toward them.

If you keep comparing who does more chores, earns more or gets more free time, it may point to a real imbalance worth talking about. Try describing what you need rather than tallying who is ahead.

If you feel you don’t measure up to your partner, telling them can bring you closer. Most partners would rather know. If the feeling is heavy and constant, talking with a counsellor can help untangle it.

Trying to “solve” a perpetual problem can backfire. The Gottman Institute suggests learning to manage conflict rather than trying to remove it, and understanding the deeper need behind each position.

In a six-year study of newlyweds, couples who stayed married turned toward each other’s small bids for attention about 86% of the time. Couples who divorced did so about 33% of the time.

A bid can be as small as “look at this” or a sigh after a long day. These moments are invisible on social media, but they matter more than any photo.

Daily or weekly rituals, like a real goodbye in the morning or a check-in at the end of the day, help build shared meaning.

Ideas

• A weekly walk or meal with phones away
• A favourite show you only watch together
• A short “how was your day, really?” talk
• Sunday morning coffee in bed

Sharing a dream or vision for life can help you keep perspective, so everyday annoyances matter less. Shared goals can be anything: a way of raising children, volunteering, travel or a quieter life.

Questions that matter more than likes

• Do I feel respected?
• Do I feel safe being myself?
• Do we support each other’s goals?
• Can we repair after an argument?
• Do we still enjoy each other?

People who felt more appreciated by their partners were more appreciative in return. Outside observers also rated appreciative partners as more responsive during conversations.

Simple ways to show it

• Name one specific thing you noticed today
• Say thank you for ordinary things, like cooking or a lift
• Tell someone else something you admire about your partner

Contentment often sounds like

• “We have hard times, but I feel respected.”
• “We can talk about what isn’t working.”
• “I chose this, and I keep choosing it.”

Settling may sound like

• “I shouldn’t complain; others have it worse.”
• “I’ve stopped asking for what I need.”
• “I feel afraid or small, but it could be worse.”

Healthy relationships include respect, support, boundaries and room to talk honestly. Try pairing appreciation with a clear request: “I love how you handle bedtime. I’d also love a night out together this month.”

The Gottman Institute describes texts and messages as bids for connection. Even an unintended delay can feel like rejection. Talking about texting expectations, and saying “saw this, will reply later”, can help.

For younger adults, social media matters more for showing care: 48% of partnered users ages 18 to 29 say it is at least somewhat important for this, compared with 28% of those 30 and older.

Some couples love to share. Others keep things private. Neither means more love. What matters is agreeing on what feels comfortable for both of you.

Feeling jealous now and then is human, and it is worth talking about openly. But checking a partner’s phone, demanding passwords or controlling who they talk to are warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, whoever is doing it.

1. Notice which accounts leave you feeling worse about your relationship.
2. Mute or unfollow them for a while. You can always come back.
3. Agree on phone-free times, like meals or the first hour in bed.
4. Swap one scrolling session a week for time together.

Couples therapy is not only for crises. It can help with recurring arguments, distance or big life changes. Individual counselling can help with low self-esteem and the feelings underneath comparison.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential, 24/7. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Love is Respect offers similar support for young people.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in many countries. In an emergency, contact your local emergency number.