When one of you catches feelings: love that isn’t returned

This might be a celebrity, a teacher, or someone in a relationship. It involves little contact, so it is usually less tangled with daily life.

Seeing the person often can keep feelings alive and make every small interaction feel loaded with meaning.

Feelings for a friend can be especially hard because you are close, you care about the friendship, and you see them often. The fear of losing them can make it hard to say anything.

Missing a past partner who no longer feels the same is another common form of unrequited love.

Sometimes two people are in a relationship, but one loves much more than the other. Researchers count this as a form of unrequited love too.

In a brain-scan study, people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup looked at a photo of their ex. Some brain areas linked to physical pain became active.

Scientists still debate exactly what this means, but it helps explain why people often say rejection “hurts”.

Common feelings

• Going over the same thoughts again and again
• Lack of motivation
• Loneliness
• Mood swings

In your body

• An upset stomach
• Feeling dizzy or foggy
• Poor sleep

When you love someone, small moments of warmth can feel full of meaning. A friend being kind is not always a sign of romantic interest, and mixed signals can keep hope and hurt alive.

In one study, men often overestimated how attracted a female friend was to them. It is easy to read more into a friendship than is there.

People who fear being abandoned, who have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, or who already live with depression or anxiety may be more affected by lovesickness.

You might notice

• They don’t start plans or conversations as often as you do
• They talk openly about people they are interested in
• They treat you the same as their other friends
• You spend a lot of time decoding their messages

None of these prove anything on their own. The only way to truly know is to ask, or to notice clearly over time.

Keeping strong feelings hidden while staying close can be tiring. You might laugh along when they talk about dates, then feel hurt afterward.

Gentle ways to cope

• Give yourself a little more space when you need it
• Talk to someone outside the friendship
• Write your feelings down instead of holding them in

Feelings for a friend can grow even when one of you is partnered. For some partnered people in research, stronger attraction to a close friend was linked to lower satisfaction with their partner.

You can’t always choose your feelings, but you can choose what you do with them. A counsellor can help you sort this out privately.

For example

• Not knowing is harder than a clear answer
• The feelings are affecting the friendship anyway
• They think the other person may feel the same
• They want to be able to move on, either way

For example

• Telling would cause problems at work, school or home
• The feelings are new and may pass
• The friend is in a happy relationship
• They already know the answer would be no

Ask

• Could I accept a “no” kindly?
• What am I hoping for by telling them?
• Who can support me, whatever happens?
• Would I want to stay friends if they said no?

Choosing not to tell does not mean pretending nothing is happening. You can still take some space, lean on others, and focus on your own life while the feelings settle.

Try

• “I want to be honest with you because our friendship matters.”
• “I’ve developed feelings for you. I’m not expecting anything.”
• “If you don’t feel the same, that’s okay. I might just need a bit of space.”

Try not to

• Ask for an answer right away
• Bring it up while drinking, or in front of others
• Suggest they owe you because you have been a good friend
• Use social media or a group chat to say it

No one owes anyone their affection. Everyone has the right to decide who they will and will not date.

Naming your feelings can help. Writing in a journal, or talking with a trusted friend, family member or counsellor, can help you process them.

Relying only on distraction can mean pushing feelings down. Having an outlet to express them can help you move through them.

Pressuring someone, following them, or trying to intimidate them into dating you after they say no is unhealthy, and can be abusive.

This means

• Not asking again and again
• Not asking mutual friends to persuade them
• Not making them feel guilty or responsible for your pain

After rejection, it is easy to spiral into stories that are not true. Notice them, and gently remind yourself that things will be okay.

Stepping back from the situation and focusing on yourself for a while can help, such as time with other friends, hobbies, or learning something new.

You could say

• “I really value our friendship, and I’d like to keep it if you want that too.”
• “Take whatever space you need. I’ll be here.”
• “Thank you for telling me. I care about you a lot, but I don’t feel the same way.”

“Maybe someday” when you mean “no” can keep someone’s hope alive and make healing harder.

You can care about someone and still not feel romantic love for them. No one owes anyone their affection.

For a while, it may help to

• Avoid flirting or very intimate late-night talks
• Be thoughtful about sharing your dating life in detail
• Let them set the pace for getting back in touch

People who are turned down sometimes keep pushing, which can feel frustrating and even frightening. Pressure, following or intimidation after a no is not okay.

You can tell your friend you need time without blaming them. Space can help the feelings fade so the friendship can feel like friendship again.

You could say

• “I want us to stay friends. I just need a little time first.”
• “I’ll reach out when I’m ready.”

You might notice

• You aren’t hoping each meeting will change their mind
• You can hear about their dating life without feeling crushed
• You feel okay after seeing them
• You want the friendship for its own sake

If being close keeps reopening the wound, it may be healthier to step back for longer, or for good. Losing a friendship is a real loss, and it is okay to grieve it.

Writing down your feelings, or sharing them with friends or family, gives grief somewhere to go. Distraction helps, but only using distraction can mean pushing feelings away.

Ideas

• Archive old chats so they aren’t on your home screen
• Mute their stories for a while
• Put photos or gifts away in a box for now

Spending time with friends, picking up hobbies, or learning new skills can help you move on and remind you that there are other opportunities ahead.

Try

• Join a class, team, choir or volunteer group
• Plan one small thing to look forward to each week
• Reconnect with a friend you’ve drifted from

Being able to love deeply is a strength, even when this love wasn’t returned. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend going through the same thing.

Try

• Check in again a few weeks later
• Invite them to plans that have nothing to do with the person
• “That sounds really painful. I’m here.”

Try to avoid

• “Just get over it.”
• Telling the person they have feelings for
• “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”