Getting back together with an ex: what to ask and what not to repeat
A second chance can be a fresh start or the same story again. Honest questions help you tell the difference.
By the numbers
How often couples reunite, and what research links to it.
Reuniting
When there’s abuse
Getting back together is common
Many couples try again. What matters is what changes.
If you’re thinking about getting back with an ex, you’re in good company. In a study of 792 young adults, nearly half had reunited with a partner after a breakup.
Some couples come back stronger. University of Missouri researchers note that time apart helps some partners realise how much they value each other. The risk is when breaking up and making up becomes a repeated pattern.
Why people go back
Some reasons build a future. Others just ease the pain for now.
There are many reasons people return to an ex. None of them make you foolish. But some reasons are about the relationship, and some are mostly about avoiding the pain of being apart.
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Maybe someone went to counselling, life circumstances changed, or you both learned to handle conflict differently. These are the reasons most likely to lead somewhere new.
Look for change you can see over months, not just promises.
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Researchers suggest that closeness and familiarity may draw on-off couples back together. Couples who reunited also reported sharing personal things more often.
Familiar can be lovely. It can also mean returning to problems you already know.
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Lonely nights, holidays and hard weeks can make an ex look like the answer. Loneliness is real and deserves care, but it can also be eased by friends, family and community.
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Going back can feel easier than the unknown. Ask yourself: would I choose this person if I weren’t afraid of being alone?
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Shared kids, homes and finances are real reasons to try again. They are also reasons to be extra careful, because the cost of another breakup is higher for everyone.
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Cleveland Clinic describes “hoovering,” where someone tries to pull a person back with apologies, love bombing, excuses to get in touch, contact through friends or sudden crises.
If you feel rushed or guilted rather than invited, slow down. See the section “Red flags it’s the same cycle.”
Honest questions to ask yourself
Before you talk to them, check in with you.
About the past
- Why did we really break up? What would they say?
- What did I put up with that I don’t want to again?
- What was my part, without taking all the blame?
- Did I feel safe and respected most of the time?
About now
- What, specifically, is different now?
- Am I going back because I want them, or because I don’t want to be alone?
- How do the people who love me feel about this, and why?
- If a friend told me this story, what would I say to them?
Questions to ask each other
A calm, honest talk before you decide.
The Missouri researchers stress how important it is for couples to talk about what will be different going forward. Having that talk before you get back together gives you both a clearer picture.
Questions to explore together
- What do you think caused our breakup?
- What have you learned about yourself since then?
- What will we each do differently when we argue?
- What do we both need to feel secure this time?
- How will we know if it isn’t working?
- Would you be open to couples counselling?
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Look for
- They describe their own part without “but you…”
- They ask how the breakup affected you
- They’re happy to take things slowly
- They have specific ideas, not just “it’ll be different”
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Watch for
- All the blame lands on you
- They won’t talk about the past at all
- They push you to decide right away
- They get angry when you ask questions
What has to be different this time
Concrete changes, not just stronger feelings.
Missing each other is not the same as solving the problem. If the reasons for the breakup are still there, the relationship is likely to end the same way.
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Earlier research suggests arguing a lot is the main reason couples give for breaking up, and couples who break up and reunite report more arguing than others.
Get specific: fights about money? Feeling ignored? Jealousy? Trust? A clear problem is one you can actually work on.
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Examples
- A weekly check-in about how things are going
- Taking a 20-minute break when a fight gets heated, then coming back
- Starting couples counselling within a month
- Each keeping time for friends and hobbies
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The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes healthy relationships as having open communication, mutual respect, trust, honesty, shared decision-making and boundaries that both people honour.
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Almost anyone can be on their best behaviour for a few weeks. Real change is what still holds after stress, disagreements and ordinary life.
Patterns not to repeat
Habits that wear relationships down, and what to do instead.
The Gottman Institute describes four communication habits, called the “Four Horsemen,” that can predict a relationship ending. It calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce.
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Criticism goes after a partner’s character instead of raising a specific complaint.
Instead
- Talk about a specific moment: “When you were late last night, I felt let down.”
- Ask for what you need
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Contempt is disrespect from a place of feeling superior, like sarcasm or mockery. Gottman calls it the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Instead
- Notice and say what you appreciate
- Speak to each other with basic respect, even when angry
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Defensiveness deflects blame and often comes in response to criticism.
Instead
- Take responsibility for even a small part
- “You’re right, I did forget. I’m sorry.”
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Stonewalling is withdrawing from a conversation, often when someone feels flooded.
Instead
- Say you need a break, and when you’ll come back
- Do something calming, then return to the talk
Red flags it’s the same cycle
Signs a second chance is really the old relationship again.
Cleveland Clinic notes that calm periods after hurt can create a false sense of safety, and that people often cling to those peaceful moments even when they don’t last.
Red flags to take seriously
- Apologies that blame you
- Big gestures and future plans, but no real change
- Making you doubt your memory of what happened
- Pressure to decide quickly, or guilt if you say no
- Warmth that fades once you’re back
- Contact through friends or family after you said no
- Sudden crises, or threats of self-harm, used to pull you back
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The Hotline says survivors return to abusive partners about seven times on average before leaving for good, often because of love, money, children, housing or fear. Going back is common and not your fault.
If there was fear, control, threats or violence, please talk with an advocate before deciding anything. They can help you think it through and plan for safety.
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If someone threatens to harm themselves unless you come back, Cleveland Clinic suggests contacting authorities or calling 988 for guidance.
If you decide to try again
Go slowly, check in often, and keep your own life.
A careful restart
- Take it slowly. Date again before moving back in or making big plans.
- Agree on what will be different, and write it down.
- Set a regular check-in, like once a week, to talk about how it’s going.
- Keep your friends, hobbies and support close.
- Consider couples counselling to work on old patterns with help.
- Decide privately what would tell you it isn’t working.
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Psychotherapy can help people work through difficult feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Couples therapy brings both partners in to work on how they relate.
If there has been abuse, the National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage couples counselling with that partner. Abuse is not a shared relationship problem, and what you say in sessions could be used against you. Individual support comes first.
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Research on on-off couples found partners often felt more negative influence from friends about the relationship. Friends may have seen the hard times up close.
You don’t need everyone’s approval. It can help to listen to their worries before you decide whether they apply.
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Consider waiting until things feel steady before telling children you’re back together. Keeping adult conflict away from kids matters whether you’re together or apart.
If it doesn’t work out (again)
Trying again wasn’t a mistake. You learned something.
If the relationship ends again, you might feel embarrassed or angry with yourself. But trying again took hope and courage, and now you know more than you did before.
In a University of Missouri study of people going through divorce, women who had broken up and reunited in a past relationship reported less distress. The researchers suggest this may reflect relief at leaving an unstable relationship.
Being kind to yourself helps. In a study of people going through separation, those who showed more self-compassion recovered emotionally more quickly.
When and where to get help
Therapy, advocates and crisis support.
A therapist, alone or with your partner, can help you decide whether to try again and how. Psychotherapy helps people work through difficult feelings, thoughts and behaviours.
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Free, confidential support by phone, text and chat at thehotline.org. Advocates can help you think through going back and plan for safety. You don’t need to be sure it’s abuse to call.
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Support for young people with questions about dating, relationships or abuse, and for friends who want to help.
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Free and confidential, any time, by call, text or chat at 988lifeline.org.
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Find A Helpline is a global directory of free, confidential support, partnered with the International Association for Suicide Prevention.
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Sources
- Peer-reviewed research (PubMed Central, NIH) (2013). Relationship Churning in Emerging Adulthood: On/Off Relationships and Sex with an Ex (Halpern-Meekin, Manning, Giordano & Longmore, Journal of Adolescent Research)
- University of Missouri (Show Me Mizzou) (2022). On again, off again relationships can have a long-lasting negative impact on couples’ mental health (Monk and colleagues, Family Relations and Family Process)
- UT News, The University of Texas at Austin (2016). On-Off Relationships Positively Affect Friendships (Dailey, Personal Relationships)
- The Gottman Institute. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Healthy Relationships
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Should I Go To Couples Therapy With My Abusive Partner?
- Cleveland Clinic (2023). What Is Hoovering? 7 Signs and How To Handle It
- Cleveland Clinic (2026). Are You Trauma Bonding? How To Recognize the Signs
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Supporting Someone Who Keeps Returning to an Abusive Relationship
- University of Florida IFAS Extension (SMART Couples). Healthy Coparenting After Divorce
- Peer-reviewed research (2012). When leaving your ex, love yourself: observational ratings of self-compassion predict the course of emotional recovery following marital separation (Sbarra, Smith & Mehl, Psychological Science)
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Psychotherapies
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. The National Domestic Violence Hotline
- Office for Victims of Crime, U.S. Department of Justice. National Domestic Violence Hotline
- love is respect. love is respect: Healthy relationships for young adults
- Office on Women’s Health, U.S. HHS (womenshealth.gov). Get help (relationships and safety)
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- ThroughLine. Find A Helpline
- International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). Crisis centres and helplines
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
