Raising children in two cultures (or faiths)

In the Huguley review, “pride and heritage” teaching had the strongest link with a positive ethnic-racial identity of all the parenting practices studied. The link held at every school age and was strongest in the high school years.

Pride does not have to be loud. Stories, food, music and time with relatives all count.

The AACAP notes that multiracial and multicultural children often have a strong sense of self and an easy comfort with diversity.

Experts at the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association say using more than one language does not confuse children or cause delays.

Grandparents, aunties, uncles and family friends on each side can all help a child feel rooted. Each one brings stories no book can.

Before talking about holidays or schools, talk about what matters most. You may find you share more than you think, like kindness, family loyalty, education or service.

Try asking each other

• “What did you love about how you were raised?”
• “What do you want to do differently?”
• “What would you be sad for our child to miss?”
• “Which traditions feel non-negotiable to you, and why?”

Make a list together and go through it slowly, one topic at a time. You don’t need every answer at once.

Topics many couples cover

• Discipline and respect for elders
• Faith, religious education and ceremonies
• Food and dietary customs
• Holidays and celebrations
• Language at home
• Names
• School choices

Some families split things evenly. Others lean toward one culture in some areas and the other in different ones. What matters is that both parents feel heard and neither feels erased.

Try saying

• “I want our child to know your side as well as mine. What would help with that?”
• “This one matters a lot to me. Can we find a way that works for you too?”

Kids, and grandparents, notice when parents disagree. Talk things through privately first, then share decisions as a team.

Plans change as children grow, move schools or start forming their own views. A yearly check-in, maybe around a birthday or New Year, keeps you both on track.

A joke or complaint about “your mother’s side” can feel to a child like a joke about part of themselves. Speak about both cultures with respect, even when you’re frustrated.

Stories of grandparents, journeys and family sayings help kids feel part of something larger. Ask relatives on both sides to record or write down a story.

The AACAP recommends books, films and other media with positive role models and stories about multicultural families.

Children may feel closer to one culture at different ages. The AACAP notes this can bring guilt toward the other parent, so reassure them they are loved whatever they choose.

Try saying

• “You can love both, and you don’t have to pick.”
• “However you describe yourself, I’m proud of you.”

Splitting languages by speaker is one common approach. Each parent uses the language they’re most comfortable with.

Families can also split languages by setting, like home and school, or by topic, like homework and games.

ASHA’s experts encourage parents to speak the languages they’re most comfortable with. The more children hear and practise, in any language, the better their skills grow.

Lullabies, jokes and pet names often feel truest in a parent’s first language. That warmth matters.

Ideas from ASHA’s experts

• Camps, clubs or dual-language schools
• Multilingual books
• Shows in each language, with subtitles for school-age kids
• Songs and rhymes

Video calls with grandparents are a natural, loving way to practise.

Many kids resist a home language at some point, especially when friends speak something else. Pressure and shame tend to backfire. Keep it warm, keep it part of daily life, and focus on practice, not perfection.

This can mean celebrating holidays from both traditions, visiting both places of worship and learning both sets of stories. Kids may later choose one, both or neither.

Some couples choose one main faith for practical, family or spiritual reasons. It helps when the other parent’s culture and values are still welcomed and spoken of with respect.

Kindness, gratitude, honesty and caring for others are found in many traditions. Some families build their home around these and let children explore faith as they grow.

Try listing the holidays that matter to each parent, then decide together how to mark them. You can create your own new family traditions too.

Some families hold two ceremonies, one from each tradition. Others blend them, or choose one. Many faith leaders have experience with interfaith families and can help you plan something meaningful.

This is a common way to honour both families. Some children later choose which name they use day to day.

Some names exist in both cultures or sound natural in both languages. Try saying it aloud in each accent, and with your family name.

Customs around family names differ a lot. Some families hyphenate, some use both, some follow one parent’s custom. Rules differ by country and state, so check official guidance where you live.

Try saying

• “We’ve thought about this a lot, and we wanted a name that honours both families.”
• “Thank you for sharing that. We’ll keep it in mind as we decide.”
• “Can you tell us the story behind that name? We’d love to know it.”

Ask a grandparent to teach a recipe, a song, a prayer or a few words. Being given a meaningful role can ease worry that the culture will be lost.

Many grandparents fear their grandchild won’t know their language, faith or family. Naming that fear kindly can soften a hard talk.

Try saying

• “We want them to know where you come from too. That’s why we’d love your help.”
• “It sounds like you’re worried they’ll lose your side. We don’t want that either.”

A hard message can land more gently from a son or daughter than from an in-law. Agree on the message together first, then each speak to your own side.

It’s okay to say no to things like religious rites done without your consent, or comments that put down the other parent’s culture in front of your child.

Try saying

• “We love that you care. This is something we’ve decided as parents.”
• “Please don’t speak about their dad’s culture that way in front of them. It hurts them too.”

Try saying

• “That sounds really hard. Tell me more.”
• “You don’t have to prove anything to anyone.”
• “Lots of kids with two cultures feel this way sometimes.”

The AACAP suggests helping children build skills to handle questions and bias about their background, and to see prejudice as a problem in others, not in themselves.

Children should never have to carry adult disagreements about culture or faith. Keep those talks between the adults.

Knowing other kids who also live between cultures can make a child feel less alone. Look for cultural schools, faith groups or family meetups.

Camps, clubs and dual-language schools give kids more chances to use a home language with friends.

Some places of worship run groups for interfaith families. Ask a faith leader what support they offer.

Places to look

• Community and cultural centres
• Library story times in other languages
• Local or online parenting groups for multicultural families
• School parent groups

Ideas

• Ask about the family’s traditions with real curiosity
• Celebrate both sides at birthdays and holidays
• Learn to say the child’s name correctly
• Never ask a child to “pick” a side

Look for a therapist with experience working with multicultural or interfaith families. Couples therapy: what to expect & how to make it work explains how it works.

The AACAP suggests that if a child seems unhappy with their heritage, a supportive counselor can help.

If you’re worried about speech, a speech-language pathologist can check all of your child’s languages.

Warning signs

• A child is threatened with being sent abroad or cut off from a parent
• Being forced into a religious rite, marriage or engagement
• Having your passport, phone or money taken
• Threats of harm, or of being disowned, to force obedience
• Your partner or family tracks, isolates or controls you

Forced marriage and Coercive control explain these signs and how to stay safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.