Building stronger relationships

Before you leave in the morning, find out one thing that is happening in the other person’s day. Maybe a big meeting, a test, or a doctor’s visit. It takes about 2 minutes a day on workdays, around 10 minutes a week.

Why it helps: it tells the other person “your day matters to me”. It also gives you something to ask about later, which makes the evening talk easier.

It sounds like

• “What’s the hardest part of your day today?”
• “Good luck with the dentist. Text me after?”
• “Is today the day you see your coach?”

When you meet again at the end of the day, greet each other warmly. For couples, Gottman suggests a hug and a kiss that lasts about six seconds. Then spend at least 20 minutes talking about how the day went.

This is about 1 hour and 40 minutes a week on workdays. It is a time to listen and support, not to fix or judge. See “The daily de-stress talk” in the next section for how to do it.

Every day, find a way to show real thanks or admiration. Notice a small kind thing they did, and link it to a quality you like in them. Some people keep a small “admiration journal”.

Five minutes a day adds up to about 35 minutes a week. It trains your mind to notice the good, not just the annoying.

It sounds like

• “Thanks for making my lunch. You’re so thoughtful.”
• “You stayed calm with the kids today. I really admire that.”
• “I noticed you fixed the gate. You’re always looking out for us.”

Show affection in small ways: cuddling, holding hands, a kiss goodnight, a hand on the shoulder. About 5 minutes a day helps release the small stresses of the day. That is around 35 minutes a week.

Touch is not the only way to show warmth. Kind words, a cup of tea brought without asking, or a note in a lunch bag can all say “I care about you”.

Set aside about 2 hours a week for relaxed time together. For couples this might be a date night. Ask open questions and really pay attention to each other, the way you did when you first met.

It does not need to cost money. A walk, a picnic, a board game or cooking a new recipe together all count. Phones away makes a big difference.

Once a week, sit down for about an hour to talk about the relationship. Gottman calls this a “State of the Union” meeting. Start with what went well and with thanks, then talk about one issue kindly, then ask “What can I do to help you feel loved this week?”

Weekly check-ins stop problems from piling up, because everyone knows there is a safe time to bring things up. See the “Our weekly check-in” worksheet to try one.

A “bid” is any attempt to get attention, warmth or support. It can be a smile, a sigh, “Look at this!”, or asking for advice. Bids often carry a hidden message, like “Notice me” or “I need you”.

Three ways to respond

• Turning toward: “Oh wow, show me!”
• Turning away: not noticing, or carrying on scrolling
• Turning against: “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

Missing bids can hurt more than you think. Over time, people who feel ignored may stop reaching out at all. Even a quick “Hang on, I want to hear this in a minute” is turning toward.

Gottman suggests a daily “stress-reducing conversation” of about 20 to 30 minutes. Each person takes a turn, roughly 15 minutes, to talk about their day. The topic is stress from outside the relationship, like work, school or family, not problems between you.

How to listen

1. Take turns. One talks, one listens.
2. Show interest: ask questions and make eye contact.
3. Hold off on advice unless asked. Understanding comes before advice.
4. Say their feelings make sense: “No wonder you’re tired.”
5. Take their side, even if you see it a bit differently.
6. Show it is “us against the problem”.
7. Be affectionate: a hand to hold or an arm around them.

Gottman calls the store of what you know about someone’s inner world a “love map”. It covers their friends, worries, hopes and favorite ways to be comforted. Knowing these little things builds a strong base for closeness.

People change over the years, so the map needs updates. Couples with detailed love maps tend to cope better with stress and big changes.

Questions to ask (and re-ask)

• Who are your two closest friends right now?
• What is stressing you most at the moment?
• What’s a dream you haven’t chased yet?
• What is one of your biggest fears?
• How do you most like to be comforted?
• What would your perfect evening look like?

Researchers studied what happens when people share good news. They found four ways to respond, and only one, called “active-constructive”, was linked to more trust, closeness and satisfaction. Passive or flat replies could be as harmful as negative ones.

Someone says “I got the job!”

• Ignoring it: “Oh. Did you see the game last night?”
• Pointing out the downside: “That means longer hours, you know.”
• Lukewarm: “Nice. Congrats, I guess.”
• Warm and engaged: “That’s amazing! You worked so hard. How do you feel? Let’s celebrate!”

How to do it

1. Stop what you’re doing and look at them.
2. Show real excitement in your voice and face.
3. Name the effort behind it.
4. Ask questions so they can relive it.
5. Suggest a small celebration.

Being vulnerable means letting someone see the real you: what scares you, what you hope for, where you struggle. It can feel risky. But closeness grows when people take small risks and are met with kindness.

Small ways to start

• “Can I tell you something I’ve been worried about?”
• “Something I’ve never told you is…”
• “I’m proud of this, but I’m nervous to share it.”
• “I’m not okay today.”

Emotional safety means people can share without fear of being laughed at, judged or punished later. It is built in moments: how you react when someone cries, admits a mistake, or disagrees with you.

Things that build safety

• “Thank you for telling me.”
• “That makes sense.”
• Keeping private things private
• Never using what they shared against them in a fight
• Accepting differences instead of trying to change them

Mentally United’s pages remind us to offer comfort when someone is down, and to be there in tough times so no one feels alone.

Specific thanks shows you really noticed. It also tells the other person what matters to you, so they know what to keep doing.

Try the upgrade

• “Thanks.” → “Thanks for picking up the kids so I could rest.”
• “You’re great.” → “You remembered my interview. That meant a lot.”
• “Nice job.” → “You stayed so patient with Grandma today.”

Gottman suggests going one step past thanks: connect the kind act to a trait you admire. “You fixed my bike without being asked. You’re so thoughtful.” This tells people you value who they are, not just what they do.

People feel appreciated in different ways. Some love hearing it out loud. Others feel it more when you help with a chore, write a note, or give them your full attention.

Ideas

• A sticky note on the mirror
• A text in the middle of the day: “Thinking of you”
• Doing one of their jobs without being asked
• Bringing their favorite snack
• Telling someone else, in front of them, what they did well
• A handwritten card, even years into a relationship

Thanks works best as a steady habit, not a once-a-year speech. Gottman suggests about 5 minutes a day of appreciation and admiration. Happy couples have many more positive moments than negative ones, so small kind words help balance out the hard days.

Ways to remember

• Share one “thank you” at dinner each night
• Start your weekly check-in with appreciations
• Set a daily phone reminder for a week, until it sticks

It might seem surprising, but research has linked expressing gratitude with feeling more comfortable bringing up concerns in a relationship. When people feel valued, a hard talk feels less like an attack.

This is why Gottman’s weekly check-in starts with appreciations before any problem is discussed.

Set aside time to talk about the future: where you want to live, what you want to learn, places you want to see, how you want to feel in five years. Listen with curiosity, not judgment, even if a dream sounds unlikely.

Questions to start

• “What’s something you’d love to do before you’re 80?”
• “What would make next year a great year for you?”
• “What does a good life look like to you?”
• “What did your family do that you want to keep, or change?”

A goal you both care about, like saving for a trip, getting fitter, or fixing up a room, gives you a reason to work as a team. Breaking it into small steps helps you celebrate progress along the way.

Plan it

1. Choose one goal you both want.
2. Say why it matters to each of you.
3. Write down the first three small steps.
4. Decide who does what, and by when.
5. Check in on it at your weekly talk.
6. Celebrate each step, not just the finish line.

In a well-known 2000 study, couples who did new and exciting activities together felt better about their relationship afterward. Doing pleasant but familiar things did not have the same effect.

Researchers think new experiences bring back the sense of discovery from the early days, when everything felt fresh. It works for friendships and families too.

Ideas

• Take a beginner class: dance, pottery, a language
• Hike a trail you’ve never tried
• Cook a dish from a country neither of you has visited
• Learn a new game together
• Volunteer side by side
• Explore a part of your town you’ve never been to

Mentally United’s pages remind us to encourage independence. Spending time together is important, but so is having your own friends, interests and dreams. People who keep growing bring new energy back to the relationship.

Ways to support their growth

• Ask about their hobby and really listen
• Cover a chore so they can go to their class
• Go to their game, show or event
• Cheer for their goals, even ones that are not yours

Rituals are small, regular habits that are about the relationship, not just getting things done. Think morning coffee together, a goodnight text, or a special way of celebrating birthdays.

Gottman suggests looking at rituals for waking up, meals, bedtime, leaving and coming home, celebrations, and even making up after an argument. Talk about what each of you grew up with, and choose what to keep.

Big life changes can leave people feeling cut off, even from those closest to them. Mentally United’s pages say: if life changes make you feel isolated, work together to find solutions.

Team up

1. Name the change and how it is affecting each of you.
2. List what you each need right now.
3. Pick one small thing to make it easier this week.
4. Reach out to friends or family for extra help.
5. Check in often, because needs change.

This app has two-player games you can play side by side: checkers, chess and tic-tac-toe. They are a quick, free way to share a few playful minutes with a partner, child, grandparent or friend.

Make it a ritual

• A “best of three” after dinner
• Grandparent teaches grandchild chess
• Loser picks the next snack or song
• A tic-tac-toe rematch while waiting at the doctor’s office

Mentally United’s pages suggest dates, movies and cooking together. Mixing in new things now and then, not just the usual, adds a spark.

Low-cost ideas

• Cook a new recipe together, with music on
• Picnic in the park or the living room
• Watch the sunset somewhere new
• Redo your first date
• Sit outside and stargaze
• Make a playlist of “our songs”
• Take turns planning a surprise date

Friendships deepen through time spent hanging out, joking around and playing games, not just working side by side.

Ideas

• A monthly game or movie night
• A walking group or casual sports
• A shared online game or puzzle each day
• Cook-off or potluck
• Volunteer together
• A group chat “photo of the day” challenge

Family fun can be simple. What matters most is everyone together, with screens away, enjoying each other.

Ideas

• Board game or card night
• Build a blanket fort
• Family dance party in the kitchen
• Bake together and share with a neighbor
• Look through old photos and tell the stories
• A nature walk “scavenger hunt”
• Let kids pick and lead the game

Shared laughter is a quick way to feel like a team. Gottman’s research counts humor as one way to calm a tense moment, as long as it is kind. The Handling conflict & repair guide has more on making up after a fight.

Small ways

• Send a funny photo or meme you know they’ll love
• Watch a comedy together
• Keep a list of your inside jokes
• Laugh at yourself, gently

Many people wait to be invited, which means nobody invites anyone. Say yes when you can, and then take a turn asking. Most people are glad to be included.

Easy invites

• “I’m going for a walk Saturday. Want to come?”
• “Want to grab lunch after class?”
• “We’re having a game night. You’d be welcome.”

The KU study suggests that moving a relationship to a new setting, like lunch or coffee with a coworker, shows you are interested in a real friendship.

Seeing the same people again and again, like at a weekly class or club, also helps closeness grow naturally.

Friendships fade when contact stops. A quick text, a voice note or a short call keeps the thread going. The NHS suggests not relying only on texts and social media: calls and video chats help you feel more connected.

Ideas

• Set a reminder to message one friend a week
• Send a photo that reminded you of them
• Remember birthdays and big days
• A regular call with a friend who lives far away

Trust in a friendship grows when people keep their word. Showing up on time, following through on plans, and keeping secrets all build trust.

If you must cancel, say so early, explain briefly, and suggest a new time. That shows the friendship still matters.

You do not need perfect words when a friend is struggling. Showing up matters more. Asking how they are and truly listening is one of the simplest ways to give to others.

Things that help

• “I’m here. No need to reply.”
• Drop off food or run an errand
• Invite them out, even if they say no
• Check in again a week later

The NHS suggests reconnecting with friends you have not seen in a while. Most people are happy to hear from an old friend, even after years.

Ways to start

• “Saw this and thought of you. How have you been?”
• “I miss our talks. Want to catch up soon?”
• “Sorry I went quiet for a while. I’d love to reconnect.”

Volunteering at a school, hospital or community group is one of the NHS’s suggested ways to connect. Shared interests make it easier to start talking, and regular meetings give friendships time to grow.

Places to look

• Library events and classes
• Faith or cultural groups
• Walking, running or sports clubs
• Hobby groups: crafts, gardening, books, games
• Support groups for people with similar experiences

The NHS suggests spending time with family every day, like having a set dinner time together. It does not have to be dinner, or every night. Breakfast on weekends counts too.

Table talk ideas

• Everyone shares a “high and low” of the day
• “What made you laugh today?”
• “If you could have any superpower, what would it be?”
• Let each person speak without being cut off

Daily rituals can be tiny: a morning hug, asking about the day after school, or a few minutes of talk at bedtime. Special hellos and goodbyes help too, especially after time apart.

Bedtime is often when children, and teens, open up the most. A few unhurried minutes there can mean a lot.

Weekly rituals give everyone something to look forward to. Ideas include a family meal, game night or a walk together.

A short family meeting

1. Start with thanks: each person appreciates someone.
2. Share what went well this week.
3. Talk about one problem, and let everyone suggest ideas.
4. Plan something fun for the week ahead.
5. Keep it short, 15 to 20 minutes, especially with young kids.

In busy families, it is easy for one person to get lost. Even 10 to 15 minutes of one-on-one time, doing something they choose, tells them “you matter to me”.

Ideas

• A drive or walk, just the two of you
• Let them teach you their favorite game
• A breakfast date
• Help with a project they care about

Families can have a set way of reconnecting after a fight, with reassurance that everyone is still loved. When a ritual is missed or things go wrong, just reconnect. Perfection is not the goal.

Examples

• A “do-over” hug
• Saying “I’m sorry, I love you” before bed, even after a hard day
• Parents showing kids how to apologize by doing it themselves

Older and younger family members have a lot to give each other. Grandparents share stories and wisdom; young people share energy and new skills. The NHS suggests video calls to stay in touch with family far away.

Ideas

• A weekly video call with grandparents
• Record a grandparent telling a family story
• Cook a family recipe together
• A teen helps a grandparent with their phone
• Play chess or checkers across generations

Teens naturally pull away to build their own identity. Connection still matters, but it may look different: car rides, late-night talks, or sharing their music or games.

Tips

• Listen more than you lecture
• Side-by-side activities feel easier than face-to-face talks
• Show interest in their world, even if it’s not your thing
• Respect their privacy, while keeping them safe
• Say “I love you” and “I’m proud of you”, even if they roll their eyes

When life is busy, what is not planned often does not happen. A regular call, a standing date night, or a weekly check-in protects your time together.

Ideas

• A Sunday evening video call
• Morning coffee together, even 10 minutes
• A shared calendar with “us time” blocked out
• A goodnight message every night

Texts are great for quick check-ins, but they can miss tone and warmth. The NHS suggests not relying only on texts, messages and social media, and using video calls to stay in touch with people far away.

Closeness often lives in the small stuff: what you ate, a funny thing a coworker said, the sky on your way home. Sharing these helps the other person feel included, even from far away.

Ideas

• A photo of your day
• A voice note on your commute
• Asking about the thing they mentioned this morning
• A daily “one good thing” text

Ideas

• Watch the same movie at the same time on a call
• Read the same book and talk about it
• Play an online game together
• Cook the same recipe on video
• Go for a walk while on the phone

Shared activities give you something to talk about other than “how was your day?”, and they create memories even at a distance.

Knowing when you will next see each other gives hope and something to plan together. Count down, plan what you’ll do, and talk about it.

You do not always need hours. Gottman’s “partings” habit, learning one thing about someone’s day before you leave, takes about 2 minutes. A six-second hug when you get home takes even less.

Micro-moments

• A real goodbye and hello, eyes up from the phone
• A quick “thinking of you” text
• Thanks for one small thing
• Answering one bid for attention fully

Busy lives can slowly crowd out relationships. Look at your week and ask: where can I protect even 20 minutes for the people I love?

Ideas

• A no-phones hour in the evening
• Saying no to one extra task
• Sharing chores so there is time left for fun
• Combining errands with company, like grocery shopping together

SAMHSA suggests expressing concern and support, reassuring the person that you care, and talking somewhere they feel safe and comfortable.

Try saying

• “I’ve been worried about you. Can we talk about what you’re going through?”
• “I’m on your side. What do you need from me right now?”
• “Do you want me to listen, help solve it, or just be with you?”
• “It seems like a hard time. How can I help you find support?”

• “You’re overreacting.”
• “Why can’t you just be happy?”
• “This is affecting me too, you know” (as an opener)
• “You should be over this by now.”
• Bringing it up in front of others or during an argument

SAMHSA encourages treating people with respect, compassion and empathy, and reminding them that help is available and mental health problems can be treated.

• Take over a chore, meal or school run for a while
• Protect time for rest and sleep
• Plan low-pressure time together: a walk, a show, a simple meal
• Offer to help find a counselor or go with them to an appointment
• Keep including them in plans, even when they say no

SAMHSA suggests offering help with everyday tasks and continuing to invite people without being overbearing.

NIMH warning signs include talking about wanting to die or being a burden, feeling hopeless or trapped, withdrawing, saying goodbye or giving things away, extreme mood swings, and drinking or using drugs more.

The 5 action steps (988 Lifeline)

1. Ask: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking does not increase risk.
2. Be there.
3. Help keep them safe by putting time and distance between them and dangerous items.
4. Help them connect to 988, a clinical provider or a counselor.
5. Follow up.

Supporting a loved one can be exhausting, especially if you live together. Keep your own friendships, rest and outlets. Set kind boundaries about what you can and can’t do. You can love someone and still need a break.

Consider help if

• You have the same argument again and again
• You feel more like roommates than partners
• Trust has been broken
• A big change, like a new baby, grief, a move or job loss, is straining things
• Someone’s health or mental health is affecting the relationship
• You can’t talk without it turning into a fight

In couples therapy, you and your partner meet with a trained therapist, often a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. The therapist keeps things fair and calm, and teaches tools you can practise at home.

Sometimes therapy helps a couple decide that separating is healthiest. That is okay too.

Family therapy looks at the whole family, not just one person. A therapist helps each person speak, listen and see how their words land. It can help with conflict, big changes, grief, or supporting a family member with a mental health condition.

Short-term family therapy averages about 12 sessions, according to Cleveland Clinic.

Suggesting therapy can feel scary. Choose a calm moment, and frame it as something for “us”, not as proof that the other person is the problem.

Ways to say it

• “I love you and I want us to be stronger. Would you try a few sessions with me?”
• “We keep getting stuck on the same thing. I think a guide could help us both.”
• “Can we try it for a month and see how it feels?”

Tips

• Ask your doctor, insurance plan, or trusted friends for names
• Check they are licensed and work with couples or families
• Ask what approach they use and how long it might take
• Ask about sliding-scale fees if cost is a worry
• It is okay to try someone else if it does not feel right

Community centers, faith groups and some universities may offer lower-cost counseling. Support groups can also be a place to feel less alone.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage couples counseling with an abusive partner. Abuse is not a relationship problem, and therapy cannot fix the unequal power. What is said in a session may also be used against the person being harmed.

Instead, individual counseling and talking to a hotline advocate can help you think through your options safely.