Marriage do’s & don’ts: what helps and what hurts

Read through the lists and choose one “do” to add and one “don’t” to cut back on this month. When it feels natural, add another.

These lists work best as a mirror, not a weapon. “You always do the don’ts!” is itself a don’t. Change your own part first, and invite your partner to read along.

What feels like love to one person may not to another. Use the “Our do’s & don’ts agreement” worksheet to write the rules that fit your marriage.

In a six-year study, couples who stayed married turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced did so 33% of the time. When bids are missed again and again, people stop reaching out.

Gottman research describes lasting love as “small things often”. Grand gestures are nice, but daily connection is what sustains a relationship.

Regular appreciation and respect build a positive buffer, so one bad moment doesn’t define the relationship. It is the antidote to contempt.

Criticism attacks who someone is. A gentle start-up names a specific problem and what you need.

Swap

• “You always talk about yourself.” → “I feel left out tonight. Can we talk about my day too?”

Contempt means mocking, sneering, eye-rolling or acting superior. It is the single biggest predictor of divorce. The antidote is building a habit of appreciation and respect.

Defensiveness is making excuses or blaming back. Accepting even a small part of the problem calms things down.

Swap

• “It’s your fault we’re late.” → “You’re right, I could leave a bit earlier.”

Stonewalling is withdrawing and going silent, often because your body is flooded with stress. When your heart rate is very high, it is hard to take in what your partner says.

Instead, say you need a break, take at least 20 minutes to do something calming, and come back.

Threatening divorce in the heat of a fight can make your partner feel the relationship is never safe. Trust and commitment are the walls that hold a relationship up. If you are truly thinking about separating, raise it calmly, not as a weapon.

A repair attempt has to be received, not just made. When one partner always does the repairing, the relationship wears down over time.

A hug may calm one partner but feel like too much to another when they are flooded. Humor, a favorite coffee, kind words or quality time may work better. Ask what helps.

Try

1. Name what you did, simply.
2. Acknowledge how it affected them.
3. Say sorry without excuses.
4. Say what you will do differently next time.

Taking responsibility, even for a small part, is one of Gottman’s antidotes to conflict.

Stress, health and parenting all affect desire, and partners often feel desire differently. Gottman research says scheduling intimacy shows the relationship is a priority and sets aside time for the two of you.

In healthy relationships, partners only do sexual things both freely agree to, and can talk openly about comfort levels. That is true in a long marriage as much as on a first date.

Joking, playing and having fun together are among the positive moments that help couples weather hard times.

Ideas

• A board game night
• A new walk or trail
• Cooking something new
• Dancing in the kitchen

In healthy relationships, partners are honest and both have equal access to resources. Secret debts or spending can feel like a betrayal, even if nothing else is hidden.

Fights about chores are often about fairness and feeling noticed. Splitting whole jobs and checking in when life changes keeps things feeling fair.

When family pushes, partners who face it together, rather than taking sides against each other, protect trust. Commitment means choosing each other, including on hard days.

Healthy partners keep their own identity and friendships, and respect each other’s need for time apart.

Sharing private fights with many people, or online, can feel like a betrayal. It is still healthy to talk with one or two trusted people or a therapist for support.

Honesty in a healthy relationship still leaves room for some privacy. Privacy is having your own thoughts and space. Secrecy is hiding things that would hurt your partner if they knew.

In healthy relationships, partners trust each other without needing constant proof. If you feel the urge to check, that is a sign to talk about the worry directly, or with a counselor.

Turning away from a bid is often not on purpose. You might simply be scrolling. But missed bids add up, so phone-free moments help.

Pushing through a fight late at night while flooded can make it worse. It is healthier to pause, with a clear plan to talk again the next day.

Try saying

• “I love you. I’m too tired to do this well. Can we talk at breakfast?”

Conflict is part of every relationship. What matters is how you fight: avoiding the Four Horsemen and making repairs.

About 69% of conflicts in a marriage are never fully solved. The goal is to understand each other and find workable compromises, not to win.

Lasting love is built on “small things often”: everyday bids, thanks and kindness. Big surprises are lovely but can’t replace daily connection.

Waiting for both partners to feel spontaneous at the same moment can take a long time. Making time for intimacy shows the relationship matters.

Couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help, according to Dr. John Gottman. Reaching out sooner, while you both still want to try, gives you a better chance.

Marriage and family therapists help couples with communication, conflict and life changes.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline does not recommend couples therapy with an abusive partner. Speaking openly in a session can lead to more harm at home. An advocate or individual therapist is a safer place to start.