Making friends as an adult

Americans spent about 20 fewer hours a month with friends in 2020 than in 2003. Friendship time is often the first thing to go when life gets full.

This isn’t a personal failing. It’s a sign that friendship now needs a spot in your calendar, the same way exercise or appointments do.

Many friendships start at work, school or in the neighborhood. If you work remotely, live somewhere new or have left school behind, those everyday meeting places shrink.

Friends who were once around every day may now be busy with very different lives. That’s a normal part of adulthood, and it often means making new friends to match the life you have now.

The “Growing apart from friends: life changes & drifting” and “Friendships” guides in this app talk more about friendships changing over time.

Social skills are like muscles. They can feel stiff if you haven’t used them much lately, but they come back with practice.

Many adults quietly worry that everyone else already has their friends sorted. In reality, lots of people are open to new friends but waiting for someone else to make the first move.

In the study, time spent hanging out, joking around or playing games counted much more toward friendship than hours spent working together.

So if you like a coworker, change the setting: suggest lunch, a walk or a coffee outside work.

Something weekly, like a class, team, choir, group walk or volunteer shift, gives you dozens of easy hours over a few months without needing to plan each one.

One-off events are fine for meeting people. Repeating events are where friendships usually grow.

The researcher behind the study notes that both people have to want the friendship, and someone has to invite. Being friendly is a start. Asking to meet again is what moves things forward.

The same research found that people often double or triple their time together within a few weeks of moving to a new place or stage of life. A fresh start can be a great time to say yes to invitations.

Researchers call this the “liking gap”. Across several studies, people who had just met underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed the conversation.

One reason is that we’re busy worrying about what we said, so we miss the friendly signals the other person is giving.

In 13 experiments with more than 5,900 people, those who reached out to someone guessed the message would be less welcome than it really was. Surprise contact was appreciated even more.

In studies on trains and buses, people expected that talking to a stranger would be awkward. Those who did it actually had a more pleasant journey than people who sat quietly.

People turn down plans because they are busy, tired, shy or juggling family. It rarely means they dislike you.

Try to see each invitation as a small experiment, not a test of your value. Some will work, some won’t, and both are normal.

If fear of judgment feels very strong, the “Building social confidence” and “Social anxiety: understanding it” guides in this app have step-by-step help.

Classes run for several weeks, so you see the same people each time. Working on something together takes the pressure off talking.

Ideas

• Community college or adult-education courses
• Cooking, pottery or painting classes
• Free library talks, book clubs and workshops
• Language exchanges

About 1 in 5 U.S. adults with close friends met one through a place of worship.

Many communities also have small groups, meals, choirs or volunteer teams, which are easier for meeting people than a large service. Cultural associations can be a warm place if you are new to an area or the country.

Joining a group with shared interests is one of the CDC’s suggested ways to feel more connected.

Look for groups that meet weekly or monthly. Libraries, community centers, local shops and community boards often list them.

Over a third of U.S. adults with close friends met one in their neighborhood.

Small ways to start

• Go to a block party or community clean-up
• Join a local online neighbor group, and go to its events
• Say hello on regular walks
• Offer small help, like bringing in a parcel

About 8% of U.S. adults with close friends met one online.

Online friends can be real friends, especially for people who are disabled, neurodivergent, living rurally or part of a small community. If you meet in person, choose a public place and tell someone where you’ll be.

Sharing everyday activities like exercise is one of the CDC’s tips for building connection. Moving together also makes chatting feel natural.

Many leagues welcome beginners, and walking or social running groups usually go at a chatty pace.

About 1 in 10 U.S. adults with close friends met one through their child’s school, rising to about 1 in 6 among adults with children at home.

Parents, grandparents and other caregivers often see the same faces at pick-up, practices and parks. Dog walkers do too. Suggest a coffee or a playdate that includes you, not just the kids.

The CDC suggests volunteering and getting involved in your community as ways to build social connection.

Choose a regular shift rather than a one-off, so you work with the same people over time. Food banks, animal shelters, libraries and community gardens are good places to start.

Over half of U.S. adults with close friends met one through work.

Turn work chats into friend time by changing the setting: lunch, a walk or an after-work activity. If you work remotely, try co-working spaces, in-person meet-ups or professional groups.

Try

• “A few of us are getting tacos after. Want to come?”
• “I’m trying the new coffee place Saturday morning. Want to join?”
• “I really liked talking with you. Could I get your number so we can do this again?”
• “Want to walk together before class next week?”

Specific plans (a day, a time, a place) are easier to say yes to than “we should hang out sometime”.

• Apologizing for asking (“Sorry, this is probably weird…”)
• Asking for a big time commitment right away
• Only ever waiting to be invited
• Oversharing very heavy stories on a first chat
• Reading one “no” as a final answer

You don’t have to be funny or interesting. Being curious, warm and reliable matters far more.

• “How did you get into this?”
• “Have you been coming here long?”
• “What are you working on lately?”
• “Any tips for a beginner?”

The “Small talk & conversation” guide in this app has many more ideas for starting and keeping chats going.

A short follow-up message is usually welcomed more than people expect.

Examples

• “Thanks for the chat today, it made my week.”
• “Here’s the podcast I mentioned!”
• “Same time next week?”

Friendship grows when both people share a bit more over time: what you care about, what’s been hard, what makes you laugh. Match their pace so it feels balanced.

Deeper questions

• “What’s been the best part of your week?”
• “What do you miss about where you grew up?”
• “What’s something you’re looking forward to?”

Keeping plans, replying to messages and remembering what matters to them shows you care. If you have to cancel, suggest a new time in the same message.

Setting aside time in your routine to contact people who matter is one of the CDC’s top tips.

Ideas

• A monthly dinner or game night
• A standing weekend walk
• A weekly phone call on the drive home
• Watching a show “together” and texting about it

Showing appreciation and responding warmly is another of the CDC’s connection tips. Small things count: a “congrats!”, a check-in before a big day, a thank-you for listening.

Asking for help when you need it and offering support to others are both on the CDC’s list for building connection. Small favors, like a ride or borrowing a ladder, often bring people closer.

People often spend much more time together right after moving to a new place or stage of life. Say yes to invitations early, even if you feel tired or shy.

• Find one weekly activity in your first month
• Introduce yourself to neighbors
• Keep in touch with old friends too, so you’re not starting from zero

When a partner was the center of your social life, or friends were shared, a breakup or loss can leave a gap. Go gently. Start with one person or one group.

The “Friendship breakups: when a friendship ends” and “Grief: understanding loss” guides in this app may help too.

LGBTQ+ community centers, sports leagues, choirs, book clubs and online groups can be places where you don’t have to explain yourself. Friends who get it can be a big source of support.

Online groups, phone friendships, accessible venues and condition-specific communities can all lead to real friendship. It’s fine to say what works for you: “Mornings are best for me” or “Can we meet somewhere with seating?”

Looking after your health so you have energy to socialize is one of the CDC’s connection tips. Plan social time for when you feel your best.

Autistic people, ADHDers and others with different social styles often connect best through shared interests. Clubs, games, hobby groups and online communities built around a passion can feel more natural than small talk at a party.

You don’t need to change who you are to deserve friends. It’s OK to be direct about what helps: “I prefer texting to calls” or “I might need a quiet break.”

The “Social cues & conversations for autistic people” guide in this app has more ideas.

Library story times, parks, parent and caregiver groups, and school events are places to meet people in a similar season of life. Friends without children still matter too: invite them in and keep them close.

Cultural associations, faith communities, language classes and international groups can be a bridge. Friends from your own background and new local friends can both be part of your circle.

Try a co-working space, a regular café morning, a lunchtime class or local professional meet-ups. The CDC suggests limiting screen time so it doesn’t replace in-person contact.

Most people have more acquaintances than close friends. Friendly faces at the gym or the dog park still add warmth to your week, even if they never become close.

If someone says “I can’t this week”, try once or twice more with different plans. If they never suggest a new time or don’t respond, it’s OK to put your energy elsewhere.

Instead of… try…

• “Nobody likes me.” → “This one didn’t work out. Others might.”
• “I always say something weird.” → “People usually like us more than we think.”
• “Everyone else has friends.” → “Lots of adults are looking for friends too.”

The “Quieting your inner critic” guide in this app has more help with harsh self-talk.

When you’re lonely, it can be tempting to hold on to anyone. Aim for friends who feel safe and kind. The “Toxic friendships: signs and what to do” guide can help you spot friendships that wear you down.

Start a monthly game night, a walking group or a potluck. Invite two people who don’t know each other. Many people are waiting for someone to organize.

If you already belong to a group, say hello to the new face, introduce them around and invite them along. Offering support to others is one of the CDC’s connection tips.

Therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) help people notice and change unhelpful thought patterns and practice new ways of acting. Your primary care provider can help you find a therapist.

Talk with your clinical provider about what kind of support is right for you.

Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or chat at 988lifeline.org. It’s free, confidential and open 24/7.

You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Text Line counselor, any time.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Visit findahelpline.com to find free, confidential helplines around the world. It’s listed by the International Association for Suicide Prevention.