Social anxiety in kids & teens

Some children mainly fear being in the spotlight, such as public speaking or sports tryouts.

Others fear social situations more generally, like going to school, meeting new people or having conversations.

Some children refuse to speak or take part in social activities. When a child speaks freely at home but can’t speak at school, that may be selective mutism, which the Anxiety at every age guide explains.

Younger children may cry or have tantrums, get upset or angry more often, or have emotional outbursts in social situations.

These outbursts are usually fear, not naughtiness. Responding with calm and understanding helps more than punishment.

Children with social anxiety may complain of stomachaches or headaches. Physical signs can include shaking, sweating and shortness of breath.

It is always wise to have a doctor check body symptoms first.

A child may lean heavily on parents or carers, avoid other children and adults, and not ask for help at school.

Some children fear going to school, classroom activities, school performances or social events, and may try to avoid school.

If your child is missing school, the School refusal & school worries guide has a step-by-step plan.

Teens may skip lunchroom chats or after-school clubs, which can lead to loneliness. They may have trouble making friends.

Teens may avoid answering in class, reading aloud, giving presentations or asking a teacher for help.

This can be mistaken for lack of interest. A gentle private chat often reveals worry instead.

Teens may not try out for school plays, talent shows, teams or service projects, even ones they would enjoy.

Anxious thoughts can sound like “What if I say something dumb?” Distress can start well before the feared event, sometimes days ahead.

Some toddlers are consistently cautious and quiet in new situations. In a long-term study, children who stayed this way through early childhood had 3.79 times higher odds of social anxiety in their teens.

This is a reason for early, gentle support, not for worry. Many cautious children grow into confident teens.

Inherited traits can affect how the brain responds to anxiety and stress. Social anxiety can run in families.

Overprotection can keep a shy child from practising with new people and situations, so the fear never gets a chance to shrink.

Stressful events, like being criticised or humiliated, can increase shyness and caution.

If bullying is part of the picture, talk with the school straight away.

Common examples

• Answering questions adults ask your child
• Letting them skip birthday parties or practices
• Making every phone call or order for them
• Repeating reassurance many times a day
• Writing notes to excuse them from class activities

Supportive responses combine two things: accepting that the child feels scared, and showing confidence that they can cope.

It can sound like

• “I know this feels really scary, and I know you can handle it.”
• “It makes sense you’re nervous. I’ll be right here after.”
• “You don’t have to like it. You can do it anyway.”

Pick one accommodation to reduce, tell your child the plan calmly ahead of time, and stick with it kindly. Expect some upset at first: that is normal and usually eases.

A therapist trained in parent-based approaches can guide you through this.

Progress comes from going a little beyond what feels comfortable, step by step. Pushing too hard or too fast can backfire.

An example ladder

• Say “thank you” to a cashier
• Order a snack at a café with you nearby
• Invite one friend over for an hour
• Join a small club or class
• Go to a birthday party for part of the time

Skills to practise together

• Apologising and forgiving
• Asking for help and making requests
• Coping with teasing, change and rejection
• Giving compliments and thanks
• Sharing
• Sticking up for a friend

Notice when your child tries something hard, even if it was wobbly: “You asked the librarian yourself. That was brave.” Try to avoid calling them “shy” in front of others, so it doesn’t become a label they live up to.

Let your child see you manage your own nerves: “I’m a bit nervous about calling the dentist, but I’ll do it and see how it goes.” This teaches that fear and courage can sit side by side.

Getting better comes from stepping a little beyond what’s comfortable, again and again. Each step teaches your brain that you can cope.

Starter ideas

• Ask a teacher one question after class
• Join a club built around something you love
• Say hi to one person at lunch
• Send the group chat message you’ve been drafting

In studies, people wearing an embarrassing T-shirt hugely overestimated how many others noticed it. Most people are busy thinking about themselves.

In research with teens, focusing on the conversation instead of on how they looked, and letting go of hiding habits, lowered anxiety and helped them see themselves more kindly.

Talking to a trusted adult is a brave first step. A doctor can suggest a therapist who uses CBT, which helps you face fears step by step.

CBT is the leading therapy for childhood social anxiety. It teaches ways to manage emotions and cope. For children it is tailored to their age, often involves parents, and may happen in a small group.

SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) coaches parents to reduce accommodation and respond supportively. In a trial of children aged 7–14, it worked as well as child CBT.

This can be a good option if your child won’t go to therapy.

Start with your child’s doctor, who can rule out physical causes and refer you to a mental health professional. You can also search FindTreatment.gov, SAMHSA’s locator.

Decisions about treatment are best made together with your child’s clinical provider.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines, including ones for young people, in more than 175 countries.