Confidence 101

Confidence is usually about doing: cooking, driving, speaking up, playing a sport, meeting new people. You might feel sure of yourself at work and shaky on a dance floor. That is completely normal.

Because it is tied to activities, confidence can grow with practice. Each time you try something and get through it, you collect a little more proof that you can.

Self-esteem is the overall opinion you hold of yourself. The NHS notes that low self-esteem and low confidence often go together, and that both can grow from messages we picked up from parents, teachers, friends and the media.

You can have decent self-esteem and still feel unsure about a new skill. You can also be very skilled and still feel you are not “enough”. The Self-esteem guides in this app go deeper on that second part.

Healthy confidence leaves room for other people. You can say “I’m good at this” and “I could be wrong” in the same breath.

Arrogance tends to need to win, can’t admit mistakes, and puts others down. Sometimes loud certainty is protecting a fragile sense of worth underneath.

Bandura called this mastery experience. In his early studies, people who did a feared task step by step gained more confidence than people who only watched someone else do it.

The key is steps that are small enough to manage. A win you can actually reach beats a giant leap you keep putting off.

Bandura called this vicarious experience. Seeing people manage something, especially people who seem similar to you, can raise your belief that it is possible.

This is one reason role models, mentors and peer groups matter. Look for people a few steps ahead of you, not only the superstars.

Bandura called this verbal persuasion. Encouragement from others can nudge you to try, though on its own it is weaker than real experience.

The words you say to yourself count too. “This is hard and I’m learning” is more useful than “I’m hopeless at this”. The Self-compassion & your inner critic guide has more on this.

Bandura noted that people judge their ability partly from body signals like a fast heartbeat, sweaty hands or a shaky voice. If you read them as signs of failure, belief drops.

Those same signals are your body preparing to act. Calming your breathing, and reminding yourself that nerves are normal, can change the story you tell about them.

Temperament plays a part, but self-belief is built from experience: doing, watching, encouragement and how we read our bodies. Those are things you can add to.

Self-esteem also tends to rise through young adulthood and keep growing into later life for many people. You are not stuck where you started.

Confidence is not the same as calm. Most people feel nerves before something that matters. The difference is often that confident people have learned, from experience, that the nerves pass and they can cope.

A larger study of 200 people found that standing in expansive poses made people say they felt a bit more powerful. But it did not change their hormone levels or how much risk they took.

So standing tall before a hard moment is fine if it helps you feel steadier. Just don’t expect it to do the work of practice and preparation.

Confidence shows up in many ways: steady eye contact, a calm “no”, asking a question in a meeting, trying something new. Volume is not the measure.

Waiting to feel ready can mean waiting forever. Belief tends to grow after you have done something, not before.

Small, manageable steps let you act while still nervous, and collect proof as you go.

In large experiments, women rated their own performance lower than men who had done just as well, even when they knew their exact scores. The gap appeared by sixth grade.

Messages from family, school, media and society all feed into how we see ourselves. Low confidence is not a personal failing. It often has roots outside you.

The NHS suggests writing a list of at least five positive things about yourself, including kind things others have said, and adding to it. Reading it on low days balances the harsh voice.

Include small wins: “made the phone call”, “asked a question in class”, “tried the new recipe”. Small wins add up.

The NHS suggests setting yourself challenges you can achieve, like joining a class or taking up a new hobby, to build belief through doing.

Choose things that matter to you, not things you think you “should” do. Meaning keeps you going when it gets awkward.

Seeing others succeed raises belief, especially when they are like you.

The NHS suggests copying the assertive behaviour of people you admire, while staying true to yourself. Notice the words they use, how they pause, how they recover from a slip.

Being as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend helps self-esteem, according to the NHS.

Research on self-compassion found that people who were kind to themselves after a failure were more motivated to improve, not less.

The NHS suggests spending more time with people who are supportive and less with people who tend to put you down.

• Asks questions without feeling small
• Can hear “no” without collapsing
• Celebrates other people’s wins too
• Says “I don’t know yet”
• Tries things where success isn’t guaranteed

Overconfidence can look impressive at first, but it often leads to poor planning and strained relationships. Under it may be fear of looking weak.

If people often tell you that you don’t listen, it may be worth slowing down and getting curious.

Underconfidence can mean selling yourself short. Research found many people, especially women, describe their own abilities less favourably than their performance deserves.

The Imposter syndrome guide helps if you feel like a fraud despite clear evidence that you are capable.