Living with regret
Everyone carries some “if only”. Regret can keep you stuck, or it can show you what matters and where to go next.
By the numbers
What research says about our biggest regrets.
What we regret
What helps
What is regret?
The ache of wishing you’d chosen differently.
Regret is the painful feeling that comes from imagining how things might have turned out if you had made a different choice. It is one of the most common emotions people feel when they look back on their lives.
Regret isn’t only bad news. Researchers find that we tend to regret most in the areas where we still see chances to change and grow. In that way, regret can point toward what matters to you.
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Guilt is about having done something wrong to someone. Regret is wider. You might regret not taking a trip, a course you didn’t finish or a chance you didn’t take.
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Regret is about a choice. Shame is about your whole self. Keeping regret focused on the choice makes it easier to learn from.
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Because regret is strongest where opportunity still exists, it can be a useful hint about where to put your energy next.
Different kinds of regret
Things done, things not done, and the person you hoped to be.
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Classic research found that in the short term people often regret things they did more. The pattern isn’t the same for everyone.
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Over the long run, people often say they regret things they didn’t do more: the trip not taken, the words not said, the dream put off.
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Regrets about not living up to your hopes and goals (your “ideal self”) tend to outlast regrets about duties (your “ought self”). People often act quickly to fix duty regrets, but dreams can stay on hold.
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Some regrets come with a door that is still open: a friendship to repair, a skill to learn, a call to make.
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Some regrets can’t be changed, often because of time, age or a loss. These need a different kind of care: grief, acceptance and new goals.
What people regret most, and why
Education, career and love top the list.
When researchers combined 11 studies, the most common life regrets were about education, career, romance, parenting, the self and leisure, in that order.
The researchers think these areas top the list because they are where people see the most chance to change things. Regret is strongest where opportunity feels real.
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Education came first in the combined studies, perhaps because learning is possible at many ages, so it can feel like a door that’s still open.
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Career regrets are common. Many people change careers later in life.
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Romance was third in the combined ranking. Relationship regrets can involve things said, left unsaid, or chances not taken.
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Parents and caregivers often carry regrets about time, words or choices. Repair with children is possible at any age.
When regret gets stuck: the “if only” loop
Replaying the past without moving forward.
Thinking about a regret once can help you learn. Replaying it over and over without new insight is rumination, and it tends to make low mood and anxiety worse.
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- You replay the same moment many times a day
- You imagine perfect “what if” lives
- You call yourself names about it
- It stops you from making new choices
- It keeps you up at night
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The version of you who made that choice didn’t have the information you have now. Ask: “Given what I knew and felt at the time, did my choice make sense?”
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Imagined lives always look smooth. In reality, the other choice would have brought its own problems and losses.
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- Bring your focus back to what’s in front of you
- Write the thoughts down, then put the paper away
- Set a short daily “worry time”
- Do something with your hands and mind, like a walk or a task
- Ask: am I treating a guess as a fact?
Regrets you can still act on
Turning “I wish I had” into “I will.”
Regrets about unmet hopes and dreams tend to last the longest. One of the researchers behind this work advises not waiting for inspiration: start, and motivation often follows the action.
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Big regrets can feel too heavy to touch. A tiny first step makes it real without needing a whole plan.
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Fear of what others will think often keeps dreams on hold. Research suggests other people tend to be kinder, and to notice us less, than we expect.
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What to say
- “I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to say hello.”
- “I’ve always regretted how we left things. I’d love to talk if you’re open to it.”
- “I’m sorry for my part in what happened.”
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If you regret not becoming a teacher, you might tutor or mentor. If you regret not traveling, you might explore somewhere nearby. Find the value inside the regret and honor it today.
Making peace with regrets you can’t undo
Grieving the road not taken and choosing new goals.
In studies across adulthood, older adults saw fewer chances to undo their regrets. Those who were able to let go of trying to undo a regret, and who had new goals to work toward, had less intense regret and better quality of life.
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It’s okay to feel sad about a path that is closed. Naming the loss, and what it meant to you, is part of letting go.
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Stepping back from a goal that truly can’t be reached frees up energy for things that can. Researchers found this helped especially later in life.
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Having other meaningful goals was linked with less intense regret. These can be small: a garden, a new friendship, a skill, helping others.
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In research on regret, acceptance (acknowledging what happened without fighting it) helped explain why a kind attitude led people to grow.
Self-compassion: learning without beating yourself up
Kindness helps you grow from regret, not let yourself off the hook.
Many people worry that being kind to themselves about a regret will make them careless. Research suggests the opposite. People who wrote about a regret with self-compassion felt more motivated to improve and to avoid repeating the mistake.
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Write about your regret the way you would respond to a friend. Consider the circumstances, the pressures and the other people involved.
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After looking at the regret kindly, name concrete steps that could improve things or help you avoid a similar regret.
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Self-compassion includes kindness, remembering that everyone makes mistakes, and noticing feelings without being swept away.
Regret across life
How regret can feel in your 20s, midlife and later years.
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In your 20s, many doors are open, which can make each choice feel high-stakes. Most choices can be adjusted later.
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Midlife can bring old regrets to the surface. Because opportunity still exists, it can also be a time of real change.
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Older adults in research saw fewer chances to undo regrets, and strong regret was linked with lower well-being later in life. Letting go and having new goals helped.
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Regret is very common after caring for someone or losing them. It often reflects love and how much you cared.
Supporting someone with regrets
Listen first; don’t rush to fix or dismiss.
When someone shares a regret, they often want to be heard more than corrected. Brushing it off can make them feel alone with it.
Things you can say
- “That sounds like it still hurts.”
- “What do you wish had been different?”
- “You made the best choice you could with what you knew.”
- “Is there any part of this you can still do something about?”
- “I’m glad you told me.”
Try to avoid
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Just don’t think about it.”
- “No regrets, right?”
- “Well, you should have…”
When and where to get help
When regret is weighing on your mood or daily life.
Consider talking with a counselor or therapist if…
- Regret fills your thoughts most days
- You feel hopeless, worthless or stuck
- Regret keeps you from making any new choices
- Sleep, work or relationships are suffering
- You have thoughts of harming yourself
A therapist can help you sort what can be changed from what needs to be grieved. See Finding mental health care.
📝 Worksheets for this guide
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Sources
- Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (peer-reviewed) (2005). What we regret most… and why (Roese & Summerville, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 31(9): 1273–1285)
- Psychological Review, American Psychological Association (peer-reviewed) (1995). The experience of regret: What, when, and why (Gilovich & Medvec, Psychological Review 102(2): 379–395)
- Emotion, American Psychological Association (peer-reviewed) (2018). The ideal road not taken: The self-discrepancies involved in people’s most enduring regrets (Davidai & Gilovich, Emotion 18(3): 439–452)
- Cornell University, College of Arts & Sciences (2018). Woulda, coulda, shoulda: The haunting regret of failing our ideal selves
- Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (peer-reviewed) (2016). Self-compassion promotes personal improvement from regret experiences via acceptance (Zhang & Chen, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 42(2): 244–258)
- Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley (2016). How to grow from your regrets
- Psychology and Aging, American Psychological Association (peer-reviewed) (2005). Regret and quality of life across the adult life span: The influence of disengagement and available future goals (Wrosch, Bauer & Scheier, Psychology and Aging 20(4): 657–670)
- Cleveland Clinic (2026). Rumination: What It Is and How To Stop It
- Harvard Health Publishing (Harvard Medical School). The power of self-compassion
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Depression
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
