Self-esteem: what it is & why it matters

This is the big-picture feeling: “On the whole, I’m okay” or “On the whole, I’m not good enough.” It is what most people mean by self-esteem.

You can feel confident as a parent and unsure at work, or proud of your art and worried about your looks. Researchers study these areas separately from overall self-esteem.

Some people tie their whole worth to one area, like grades or appearance. The Self-worth beyond achievement guide explores what that can cost.

Everyone has days when they feel less good about themselves. Stress and hard life events, like illness or loss, can knock self-esteem for a while.

It often looks like

• Bouncing back after setbacks
• Feeling able to say no
• Saying what you think while respecting others
• Trying new things even when nervous

Low self-esteem means placing a low value on yourself as a person. It is common. It can come with other struggles, like low mood, or exist on its own.

It is not a mental health condition in itself, but it can raise the risk of depression and anxiety over time.

Researchers separate healthy self-esteem from narcissism. In a study of 565 children, parental warmth predicted healthy self-esteem, while telling children they were more special than others predicted narcissism instead.

A major review found the benefits of self-esteem held even after taking narcissism into account. Feeling worthy and feeling superior are not the same thing.

Self-esteem starts when a baby feels safe, loved and accepted. It grows as children learn skills, make friends and are praised for effort.

Researchers found self-esteem is generally stable around puberty, and most young people do not have low self-esteem in these years.

Some teens do struggle, and their feelings deserve to be taken seriously. Averages hide a lot of individual stories.

Across 48 countries, self-esteem rose from the late teens into middle adulthood. On average, men reported slightly higher self-esteem than women, though the size of the gap varied by country.

Self-esteem tends to be highest around 60 to 70. It may decline from about 70, more steeply in the oldest ages, often alongside health changes and losses.

A review of long-term studies found warm relationships predicted rising self-esteem, and self-esteem predicted better relationships, in both directions.

Across 77 long-term studies, low self-esteem predicted later depression more than depression predicted low self-esteem. With anxiety, the link ran both ways.

This suggests caring for self-esteem may also help protect mood.

People with low self-esteem may avoid social events, new experiences and challenges. Avoiding feels safe at first, but it can strengthen doubts and fears over time.

Some people cope with low self-esteem through habits like smoking or heavy drinking.

Healthy self-esteem is linked with better physical health too.

You might notice

• Doubting your abilities
• Expecting things to go badly
• Focusing on mistakes and missing successes
• Picking yourself apart after social events

You might notice

• Avoiding challenges, events or new things
• Finding it hard to say no
• Going along with poor treatment
• Not standing up for yourself

Low self-esteem can bring feelings of sadness, anxiety, shame or frustration. It can feel like everyone else has it figured out except you.

In one study, people with low self-esteem felt worse after repeating “I am a lovable person.” A statement that clashes with what you believe can remind you of the gap.

Healthy self-esteem is grounded in warmth and acceptance. Narcissism is about feeling superior to others, and it has different roots.

Self-esteem shifts with age and experience for most people. Talking therapies like CBT have helped many people with low self-esteem.

Researchers found that chasing self-esteem through success, looks or approval can bring short-term lifts but long-term costs.

Self-esteem is your overall judgment of your worth. It can go up and down with how things are going.

Confidence is usually about skills and situations, like speaking up in a meeting or trying a new sport. You can be confident at a task and still have low self-esteem, or the other way round.

Research found self-compassion was linked with steadier self-worth that depended less on outcomes than self-esteem did. It also had fewer links to comparing yourself with others.

Saying “That’s not true!” can make someone feel unheard. Try “That sounds really hard. What makes you feel that way?” first.

“You’re amazing!” can be hard to accept for someone who feels low. “I noticed how patient you were with your nephew” is easier to believe.

Studies with children found over-the-top praise can make those with low self-esteem avoid challenges.

Feeling accepted by family, friends, teams, faith groups and neighbours is a building block of self-esteem.

Ideas

• A class or club built around something you enjoy
• A peer support group
• A sports team or walking group
• Volunteering, where your help is valued

CBT for low self-esteem helps you spot harsh beliefs about yourself, test them and build more balanced ones. Free self-help workbooks based on this approach exist too.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline connects you with a trained crisis counselor by call, text or chat (988lifeline.org), any time.

Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S., 24/7.

Find A Helpline is a free directory of crisis and support lines in more than 175 countries, by phone, text or chat.