Holding feelings in & toxic positivity

Common roots

• Being told you were “too sensitive” or “dramatic”
• Families where feelings weren’t talked about
• Jobs that ask you to stay calm under pressure
• Messages that boys and men shouldn’t cry
• Times when showing feelings led to teasing or punishment

You don’t have to share every feeling with everyone. Waiting to cry until after a job interview, or staying calm for a scared child, can be wise choices.

The trouble comes when hiding is the only option, every time, and the feelings never get a safe place to land.

You might notice

• Feeling numb or flat
• Keeping very busy so you don’t have to feel
• Saying “I’m fine” when you aren’t
• Sudden outbursts that seem to come from nowhere
• Tension in your jaw, shoulders or stomach

Hiding feelings can make relationships feel more distant, because others can’t really see you. In the same research, people who suppressed more had worse social relationships.

Reappraisal means looking at a situation from a different angle, like “Maybe they didn’t reply because they’re busy.” People who use this skill more tend to feel better and have stronger relationships.

Ideas

• Cry if you need to, somewhere you feel safe
• Move your body: walk, dance, shake it out
• Talk to one trusted person
• Write it down, then close the notebook
• Make something: music, art, cooking

In a large Finnish study of 5,454 adults, about 10% scored high for this trait. It was more common in men (11.9%) than women (8.1%), and became more common with age.

It often grows from childhoods where feelings weren’t talked about, and from cultures that teach people, especially boys and men, to hide emotions. It can be learned and softened at any age.

Ask yourself

• Is my chest tight or loose?
• Is my jaw clenched?
• Is my stomach heavy, fluttery or calm?
• Do I want to move, hide or rest?

You don’t need the perfect word. Noticing “tight chest, want to hide” is already a big step.

A feelings wheel is a circle chart of emotion words. In the middle are a few basic feelings, like sad, mad, scared, happy and calm. Moving outward, each one splits into more specific words. “Mad” might lead to “frustrated,” then to “overlooked.”

How to use it

1. Start in the middle: which basic feeling is closest?
2. Move out one ring: which word fits a bit better?
3. Move out again if you can: what’s the most exact word?
4. Notice where you feel it in your body
5. Ask: what might this feeling be telling me I need?

You can find many free feelings wheels online, or simply make a list of feeling words on your phone.

Some words beyond “fine”

• Calm: content, peaceful, relieved, safe
• Happy: grateful, hopeful, proud, playful
• Mad: annoyed, frustrated, jealous, resentful
• Sad: disappointed, homesick, lonely, hurt
• Scared: anxious, insecure, nervous, overwhelmed

Examples

• Anger can point to a crossed boundary
• Anxiety can point to something that feels uncertain or unsafe
• Guilt can point to something you want to repair
• Loneliness can point to a need for connection
• Sadness can point to a loss

Try saying

• “I can feel sad and still get through today.”
• “I don’t have to fix this feeling right now.”
• “It makes sense that I feel this way.”
• “This feeling will pass.”

In the 2018 studies, people who accepted their feelings felt less upset when daily stress hit. Judging yourself for a feeling can add a second layer of distress on top of the first.

Accepting that you feel angry doesn’t mean you have to shout. Accepting sadness doesn’t mean you stay in bed. It means you stop fighting the feeling, so you have more energy to choose what to do next.

Common phrases

• “At least…” (at least you have a job, at least it wasn’t serious)
• “Don’t be sad, be grateful.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “It could be worse.”
• “Just think positive.”
• “Other people have it harder.”

These often come from love, or from feeling helpless in front of someone’s pain. The problem is they skip past the feeling. The person can end up feeling ashamed of struggling at all.

Toxic positivity can be aimed at ourselves too: forcing a smile, telling yourself you “shouldn’t” feel upset, or feeling guilty for having a bad day.

The difference

• Forced: “Don’t be sad!” Healthy: “It’s okay to be sad. I’m here.”
• Forced: “Everything happens for a reason.” Healthy: “This is hard, and we’ll get through it together.”
• Forced: “Good vibes only.” Healthy: “All feelings welcome here.”

Hope works better after someone feels heard.

Social media highlight reels and “always upbeat” workplaces can make struggling feel abnormal. Remember that most people share their best moments, not their hardest ones.

Try this

1. Pay full attention: put the phone down, look at them
2. Reflect back: “So you felt left out when they didn’t invite you.”
3. Name the feeling, gently: “That sounds lonely.”
4. Show it makes sense: “Anyone would feel hurt by that.”
5. Ask what they need: “Would advice help, or just listening?”

Try saying

• Instead of “At least…” → “I’m here. Do you want to talk, or just company?”
• Instead of “Don’t worry” → “What’s worrying you most?”
• Instead of “Everything happens for a reason” → “I’m so sorry this happened.”
• Instead of “It could be worse” → “That sounds really hard.”
• Instead of “Stay positive!” → “It’s okay to not be okay right now.”

Hope still has a place. It just works better after someone feels heard: “This is really hard. And I believe you’ll find a way through. I’ll help.”

Harvard Health gives the example of a parent saying “I can tell how frustrated you are with this assignment,” which helped a child feel understood and calm down.

This is called co-regulation: connecting with a child in distress and working out what they need to calm down. It asks adults to manage their own feelings first, so children can learn the same skills.

Ideas for groups, teams and families

• Leaders and parents can share their own feelings, simply and honestly
• Put up a feelings wheel in a classroom, break room or kitchen
• Respond to hard news with validation, not quick fixes
• Start meetings with a quick “one word for how you’re feeling”

Naming feelings out loud can help calm the brain’s alarm system. Making it a group habit helps everyone practise.

Try saying

• “I’m allowed to have a hard day.”
• “My feelings are real, even if others don’t see them.”
• “Of course I’m upset. That mattered to me.”

Harvard Health explains that people who recognize their own suffering and respond kindly tend to feel less anxiety and depression. Self-compassion can be learned.

Ideas

• Remind yourself: “Their response is about them, not my worth.”
• Find people who listen well, and share with them instead
• Say what you need: “I don’t need advice, just a listening ear.”

Research found people who habitually suppress emotions feel more negative emotion, fewer positive ones, and have poorer relationships and wellbeing.

People who accept their difficult emotions, instead of judging them, report better wellbeing and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression.

In a brain-scan study, naming feelings reduced activity in the amygdala, the brain’s threat-reacting area.

Difficulty identifying and describing feelings is a trait that ranges from mild to strong. It is not the same as not having feelings.

DBT balances accepting who you are with learning to change. It teaches skills like emotion regulation (understanding and managing feelings) and distress tolerance (getting through hard moments without making them worse).

Reappraisal means looking at a situation from a different angle. People who use this skill more tend to feel better and have stronger relationships.

NIMH suggests talking to a primary care provider if you have concerns about your mental health. They can refer you to a therapist or counselor.

Reach out any time

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
• Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
• If a life is in danger: call 911

The 988 Lifeline offers free, confidential support, 24/7, to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. You don’t have to wait until things are at their worst.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines around the world. You can search by country and topic.