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Building self-esteem, step by step

Self-esteem grows slowly, through small, kind and brave steps. You can start with one today.

⏱ 3 min read📑 11 sections📚 15 sources✅ Reviewed October 2026

By the numbers

What research says about raising self-esteem.

What helps

8 studiesof CBT for low self-esteem found large improvements with weekly sessions, and smaller gains from one-day workshops.
46,231people in long-term studies showed good relationships predicted rising self-esteem over time, and the reverse.

Small steps

5+good things about yourself is the NHS suggestion for starting a “positives” list, adding to it often.
331 studiesshowed self-esteem usually keeps changing and rising through adulthood. It is never too late.

Start gently

Aim for a fairer view of yourself, not a total makeover.

The goal is not to think you are perfect. It is to see yourself more fairly: strengths and weak spots, with respect either way.

Change usually comes in small steps that add up. Free CBT-based workbooks, like the one from the Centre for Clinical Interventions, take you through these steps in order.

🐢 Go slowlyOne small change practised often beats many big ones.
Read more

Pick one idea from this guide and try it for a week or two. Then add another.

Keep notes in the worksheets. Looking back can show progress you might otherwise miss.
🤗 Be kind when you slipOld habits come back sometimes. That is normal.
Read more

Treat yourself as you would a friend who is trying something hard. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to them.

The Self-compassion & your inner critic guide has simple practices.

Test your worst-case predictions

Treat anxious predictions as guesses to check, not facts.

Low self-esteem often comes with expecting things to go badly: “They’ll laugh,” “I’ll mess it up.” These biased expectations can stop you trying, so you never find out you were wrong.

A small experiment

  1. Write the prediction: “If I share my idea in the meeting, people will think it’s stupid.”
  2. Rate how sure you are, from 0 to 10.
  3. Plan a small test: share one idea, briefly.
  4. Notice what actually happens, not just how you felt.
  5. Write what you learned and re-rate the prediction.
Even if it doesn’t go perfectly, you learn you can cope. That is valuable too.

Check your self-judgments

Harsh verdicts about yourself deserve a fair hearing.

People with low self-esteem tend to judge themselves harshly. The NHS suggests writing down negative beliefs about yourself and listing evidence that doesn’t fit.

👯 The friend testWould you judge a friend this way?
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Imagine a friend made the same mistake. What would you say to them? Try saying that to yourself.

🧾 Look at all the evidenceCount the times that don’t fit the harsh story.
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Ask yourself

  • Is this a fact or a feeling?
  • What would someone who cares about me say?
  • Am I judging my whole self from one moment?
  • What else could explain this?
🏷️ Drop the global labelsDescribe what you did, not who you are.
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“I’m an idiot” judges your whole self. “I forgot the appointment” describes one event. The second is truer and easier to fix.

The Quieting your inner critic guide has more ways to answer harsh self-talk.

Notice your positives

Train your attention to see what you usually miss.

Low self-esteem filters out the good. The NHS suggests listing at least five positive things about yourself, including kind things others have said, and adding to the list often.

📝 Your positives listQualities, skills and kind acts, big or small.
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Prompts

  • Something a friend once thanked me for
  • A challenge I got through
  • A quality people like in me
  • Something I do that helps others
  • Something I’m good at, even a little
Keep it where you’ll see it, like your phone’s lock screen or the fridge.
🔁 Daily evidence logEach evening, write one moment that shows a positive quality.
Read more

Recognising your positive qualities is a key part of accepting yourself in CBT for low self-esteem. Writing down real examples makes them easier to believe.

Examples

  • “I was patient with my mom on the phone.” (patient)
  • “I finished the form I’d been putting off.” (persistent)
💪 Use your strengthsDoing what you are good at can lift your mood.
Read more

Everyone is good at something. Doing more of the things you enjoy and are good at can help you feel better about yourself.

🎁 Let compliments landTry saying “thank you” instead of brushing them off.
Read more

If you usually reply “Oh, it was nothing,” try a simple “Thanks, that means a lot.” Then add the compliment to your positives list.

Small, true self-talk

Believable words work better than big affirmations.

In one study, people with low self-esteem felt worse after repeating “I am a lovable person.” When a statement clashes too much with what you believe, it can backfire.

🌉 Bridge statementsSmaller steps your mind can accept.
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Try

  • “I’m learning to treat myself more kindly.”
  • “I’m doing the best I can with what I have today.”
  • “I have some good qualities, even if I can’t feel them right now.”
  • “Mistakes are part of learning.”
🪪 Talk to yourself by nameUsing your name or “you” can create helpful distance.
Read more

Studies found that talking to yourself in the second person, using your name or “you,” lowered distress and improved performance under stress.

Example

  • “Jordan, you’re nervous because this matters. You’ve prepared.”

Face what you avoid, one step at a time

Small challenges build proof that you can cope.

Avoiding hard things feels safe, but it can strengthen doubts and fears. The NHS suggests setting yourself small challenges, like going to a class or a social event, and noticing when you meet them.

Build a ladder

  1. Pick something you avoid because of how you see yourself.
  2. Break it into steps from easiest to hardest.
  3. Start with a step that feels a little uncomfortable, not terrifying.
  4. Repeat it until it feels easier, then move up.
  5. Notice and write down what you did, whatever the outcome.

Example ladder: joining a running club

  • Look at the club’s website
  • Walk past while they meet
  • Message the organiser with one question
  • Go to one beginner session
  • Go again the next week
The Building social confidence guide has more ideas for social situations.

Soften your rules for living

Turn rigid “musts” into flexible, kind guidelines.

Many people with low self-esteem live by strict rules, like “I must never make mistakes.” When a rule is broken, the harsh belief about yourself switches on. Adjusting these rules is a key step in CBT for low self-esteem.

Rewrite a rule

  1. Write the rule exactly: “If I don’t do everything perfectly, I’m a failure.”
  2. Ask where it came from and how it has helped you.
  3. List what it costs you: stress, avoiding things, never feeling good enough.
  4. Write a kinder guideline: “I’ll do my best where it matters. Mistakes are how people learn.”
  5. Test the new guideline in small ways and notice what happens.
The Where low self-esteem comes from guide explains the “bottom line” and rules in more detail. The Perfectionism guide helps with rules about high standards.

Speak up and say no

Treating your own needs as important builds self-respect.

Being assertive means respecting other people’s views and needs, and expecting the same in return. Learning to say no when you need to can stop you feeling overloaded and resentful.

🗣️ Practise assertivenessCalm, clear and respectful, to yourself and others.
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Watch people you admire who speak up well, and borrow their approach while staying yourself.

Simple starters

  • “I see it differently.”
  • “I’d prefer…”
  • “Can we find another time?”
The Speaking up & assertiveness guide goes deeper.
🚫 Say no without over-explainingA kind, short no is enough.
Read more

You may need to say no a few times in different ways before people hear it. Saying no usually doesn’t harm good relationships.

The Setting boundaries & saying no guide has scripts and practice.

People and places that build you up

How community helps self-esteem grow.

Self-esteem and good relationships build each other up over time. The NHS suggests spending more time with people who are positive and appreciate you, and less with those who bring you down.

🌻 Your supportersPeople who make you feel more like yourself.
Read more

Notice who you feel relaxed around and who leaves you feeling small. You can choose to see more of the first group.

If someone often puts you down, you can tell them how their words affect you, or spend less time with them.

🙋 Helping othersContributing reminds you that you matter.
Read more

Feeling you contribute something meaningful is a building block of self-esteem.

Ideas

  • Help at a food bank or animal shelter
  • Mentor someone newer than you
  • Offer a skill to a neighbour
  • Volunteer at a faith or community group
🏘️ Groups and belongingBeing part of something bigger than yourself.
Read more

Feeling accepted in a group, like a team, club, faith community or peer support group, can strengthen self-worth.

When and where to get help

A therapist can guide you through these steps.

Talking therapies like CBT or counselling can help with low self-esteem. CBT built for low self-esteem helped people in a review of studies, especially when sessions were weekly.

Signs it may be time to reach out

  • You have tried self-help and still feel stuck
  • Low self-esteem keeps you from work, school, friends or things you care about
  • You feel low, hopeless or anxious for two weeks or more
  • You have thoughts of hurting yourself or that life isn’t worth living
🛋️ Therapy and workbooksCBT can walk you through these steps with support.
Read more

A therapist can help you find your core beliefs and rules, test them and build kinder ones. Free CBT-based self-esteem workbooks are also available online.

Your clinical provider can help you find a therapist or a group program.
🆘 In a crisis (U.S.)Call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741. Free, confidential, 24/7.
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The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline connects you with a trained crisis counselor by call, text or chat (988lifeline.org), any time.

Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S., 24/7.

If a life is in danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.
🌍 Outside the U.S.Find a free helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.
Read more

Find A Helpline is a free directory of crisis and support lines in more than 175 countries, by phone, text or chat.

In an emergency, call your local emergency number.

📝 Worksheets for this guide

Fill these in privately in the app. Your answers stay on your phone.

My positives listCollect real evidence of your good qualities. Aim for at least five, and keep adding.
Testing a predictionTurn a worst-case prediction into a small experiment.
Rewriting a ruleSwap a strict rule for a kinder, more flexible guideline.
My challenge ladderBreak something you avoid into small steps you can climb one at a time.
🔒 Fill in privately in the Mentally United Wellness App. Free, no ads, no accounts.
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Sources

  1. NHS (UK National Health Service). Raising low self-esteem
  2. Centre for Clinical Interventions, Department of Health, Western Australia. Self-Esteem: self-help resources (Improving Self-Esteem workbook)
  3. Peer-reviewed research (via NIH PubMed) (2018). A systematic review and meta-analysis of CBT interventions based on the Fennell model of low self-esteem (Kolubinski et al., Psychiatry Research)
  4. University of Bern (peer-reviewed) (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: a meta-analysis of longitudinal studies (Harris & Orth, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 119(6): 1459–1477)
  5. University of Bern (peer-reviewed) (2018). Development of self-esteem from age 4 to 94 years: a meta-analysis of longitudinal studies (Orth, Erol & Luciano, Psychological Bulletin 144(10): 1045–1080)
  6. Cambridge University Press (peer-reviewed, open access) (2023). Low self-esteem: a refined cognitive behavioural model (Rimes, Smith & Bridge, Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy 51(6): 579–594)
  7. Peer-reviewed research (via NIH PubMed) (2009). Positive self-statements: power for some, peril for others (Wood, Perunovic & Lee, Psychological Science)
  8. Kross et al. (peer-reviewed) (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: how you do it matters (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)
  9. American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), HealthyChildren.org. Building Blocks for Healthy Self Esteem in Kids
  10. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
  11. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Help for Mental Illnesses
  12. Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line
  13. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Crisis Text Line (resource listing)
  14. ThroughLine. Find A Helpline
  15. International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). If you’re in crisis, help is available right now (Crisis centres)

This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.

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