Friendship jealousy
Feeling jealous about a friend shows how much they matter. Good friendships have room for other people too.
By the numbers
Feeling left out and jealous among friends.
Teens
Research
What is friendship jealousy?
The fear of losing a friend, or your place, to someone else.
Friendship jealousy is the hurt or worry you feel when a friend seems to be getting closer to someone else. It is triggered by a third person, not just by drifting apart.
Researchers once saw friendship jealousy as only harmful. Newer research suggests it may also be a way people try to hold on to valued friends when others come along.
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Across 11 studies, friendship jealousy was stronger when the friendship was more valuable. It was especially tuned to signs of being replaced, even more than how much time the friend spent with the new person.
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Friendship jealousy motivated people to try to keep their friend close, which researchers called friend guarding. Done kindly, like making more plans together, this can strengthen a friendship.
Done harshly, like trying to push the new friend out, it can backfire.
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Friendship jealousy is about a third person threatening the bond. Envy between friends, like wishing you had their job or confidence, is a different feeling, covered later in this guide.
Common situations
New friends, new partners, new places.
Friends inevitably make new friends and start new relationships. These changes are a common source of friendship jealousy.
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Watching a close friend click with someone new can feel like being replaced. It helps to remember that friendship isn’t a fixed amount. People can have more than one close friend.
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When a friend starts dating, they may have less time for a while. Saying you miss them, without blaming, often works better than going quiet.
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When a friend moves, starts a new job or school, seeing their new friends online can sting. Friendships can adapt to distance with regular check-ins.
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Being left out of plans is one of the most common triggers. Before assuming the worst, it can help to ask gently: there may be a simple reason.
Friendship jealousy and social media
Seeing every hangout you weren’t part of.
Social media shows us who our friends are spending time with. In studies of North American adults, women reported more friendship jealousy on social media than men, and young women reported the most.
This kind of jealousy was linked to lower friendship quality. Over time, it predicted more anxiety and low mood, and anxiety and low mood also predicted more of it.
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Researchers suggested that people who feel anxious or low may watch friends’ social media more closely for signs of being left out, and then feel worse because of it.
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Ideas to try
- Message the friend directly instead of watching their stories
- Mute stories for a while if they keep stinging
- Notice how you feel after checking
- Set times when you don’t check at all
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About 8 in 10 teens say social media helps them feel more connected to their friends’ lives, even though about 3 in 10 also say it makes them feel left out.
Friendship jealousy in kids and teens
Best friends, shifting groups and big feelings.
Friendship jealousy is common in young teens. In one study, girls and teens with lower self-worth reported the most jealousy about their best friends.
Young teens with a reputation for friendship jealousy were more likely to behave aggressively and have wider problems with peers, and jealousy was linked to loneliness.
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Friend groups often change in middle school and high school. Knowing this is normal can help kids feel less alone when it happens to them.
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Ways to support your child
- Encourage a mix of friends, not just one best friend
- Help them name feelings like hurt or rejection
- Remind them that working things out keeps friendships going better than fighting
- Talk through how the friend might be feeling too
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In a study of more than 2,000 Greek teens, friendship jealousy was linked to relational aggression, like spreading rumours or deliberately leaving someone out.
Friendship jealousy in adults
It doesn’t stop after school.
Adults feel friendship jealousy too, often when a friend makes new friends or starts a new romantic relationship. It can feel embarrassing to admit, which makes it easy to hide.
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Weddings, babies, new jobs and moves can change who has time for whom. Jealousy may really be grief about how things used to be.
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In studies of adults, both men and women reported jealousy about friends on social media, with women reporting more.
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Lower self-worth went along with more friendship jealousy in young teens. Many adults recognise the same pattern in themselves.
Coping when you feel jealous of a friend
Pause, check the story, then reach out.
You can’t control who your friends spend time with, and trying usually pushes them away. What you can do is care for your own feelings and invest in the friendship.
When it stings
- Name it: “I’m feeling jealous and left out.”
- Check the story: what do I actually know?
- Be kind to yourself, as you would be to a friend feeling this way.
- Reach out with an invitation, not an accusation.
- Widen your circle a little, so one friendship doesn’t carry everything.
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Sharing your feelings calmly, without blame, tends to go better than hinting or going quiet.
Phrases you can borrow
- “I felt a bit left out when I saw the photos. Can we plan something soon?”
- “I miss our chats. Want to get coffee this week?”
- “I’m really glad you’ve met new people. I’d love to meet them too.”
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Treating yourself with the kindness you’d offer someone else who is struggling is a skill that can be learned, and it can ease painful feelings.
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Having a mix of friends, groups and family time helps balance any one close friendship.
When a friend is jealous of you
Reassure them, and keep room for other people.
If a friend seems jealous of your new friend, partner or success, it may help to reassure them that they still matter to you. You can do that without giving up other relationships.
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Things that help
- Ask how they’ve been feeling
- Introduce them to your new friend, if that feels right
- Make a regular plan, just the two of you
- Tell them what you value about them
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Jealousy that turns into guilt-tripping, demands or punishing you for seeing others is not okay. It’s fine to set a kind, clear boundary.
Phrases you can borrow
- “I care about you, and I’m going to keep seeing other friends too.”
- “I’m happy to talk about how you feel. I’m not okay with being made to choose.”
Envy of a friend’s success
Happy for them and a little sad for you.
Envy can show up when a friend gets the job, partner or life you wanted. It reduces the friend to the thing you envy. Remembering their whole life, struggles included, makes it easier to be glad for them.
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Responding warmly and supportively to a friend’s good news has been linked with stronger relationships.
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If you envy something you could realistically work toward, envy can motivate you. You could even ask your friend how they did it.
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Feeling pleased for a friend and sad for yourself at the same time is normal. Neither feeling cancels the other out.
When and where to get help
When jealousy or loneliness is weighing you down.
A counsellor or therapist can help if jealousy is getting in the way of daily life, hurting people you care about, or feels more controlling than controllable.
Reach out for support if…
- A child or teen is being left out, bullied or is bullying others
- Jealousy keeps costing you friendships
- You feel hopeless or have thoughts of not wanting to be here
- You feel lonely or low most days
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A therapist can help you understand where jealousy comes from and practise new ways to handle it. For children and teens, a school counsellor or the child’s doctor is a good first step.
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Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in many countries. In an emergency, contact your local emergency number.
Help in the U.S., free and 24/7
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988
- Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
📝 Worksheets for this guide
Fill these in privately in the app. Your answers stay on your phone.
Sources
- Peer-reviewed research (via PubMed) (2021). Friendship jealousy: One tool for maintaining friendships in the face of third-party threats? (Krems, Williams, Aktipis & Kenrick, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 120(4): 977–1012)
- Peer-reviewed research (PubMed Central, NIH) (2024). Social Media Friendship Jealousy (Vaillancourt et al., Evolutionary Psychology 22(1): 14747049231225738)
- Peer-reviewed research (via PubMed) (2005). Friendship jealousy in young adolescents: individual differences and links to sex, self-esteem, aggression, and social adjustment (Parker, Low, Walker & Gamm, Developmental Psychology 41(1): 235–250)
- Peer-reviewed research (via PubMed) (2020). The mediating role of friendship jealousy and anxiety in the association between parental attachment and adolescents’ relational aggression (Voulgaridou & Kokkinos, Child Abuse & Neglect 109: 104717)
- Peer-reviewed research (via PubMed) (1993). Distinguishing the experiences of envy and jealousy (Parrott & Smith, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 64(6): 906–920)
- Pew Research Center (2022). Connection, Creativity and Drama: Teen Life on Social Media in 2022
- American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), HealthyChildren.org (2022). What Parents Can Do to Support Friendships
- Greater Good Science Center, University of California, Berkeley (2013). Five Ways to Ease Your Envy (Juliana Breines)
- Health Service Executive (HSE), Ireland (2025). Dealing with jealousy
- Harvard Health Publishing (Harvard Medical School). The power of self-compassion
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Crisis Text Line
- ThroughLine (Find A Helpline). Find A Helpline
- International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). Crisis Centres and Helplines
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
