Confidence in kids & teens
Confidence grows when young people feel loved, try new things, and learn that mistakes are part of growing.
By the numbers
What research says about young people’s self-belief.
Growing up
Praise
What confidence looks like at different ages
From first steps to first jobs. Tap an age.
Confidence in young people is less about bold speeches and more about being willing to try, ask for help and keep going. It grows from feeling safe, loved and accepted.
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KidsHealth notes that self-esteem starts early: smiles, attention and pride in a child’s new abilities help it grow. Letting toddlers try things, like feeding themselves or climbing a step, builds a sense of “I can”.
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This is a time of learning lots of skills, from reading to riding a bike. Helping kids learn to do things they can feel proud of builds confidence.
Self-esteem tends to rise through these years.
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Puberty, new schools and shifting friendships can make tweens more aware of how they look to others. Even so, research suggests self-esteem usually stays fairly stable in these years, rather than dropping.
This is also when a gap in how girls and boys rate themselves starts to show.
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Teens are building an identity. Exploring their own interests helps young people develop a sense of who they are, which supports confidence.
After the teen years, self-esteem tends to rise strongly through young adulthood.
What builds confidence
Everyday things parents and carers can do.
The Child Mind Institute says confidence comes from experiencing mastery and bouncing back from failure, not from constant success. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) adds that kids need to feel secure, accepted and capable.
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Letting children know you love and believe in them regardless of their achievements or mistakes is a key part of raising confident kids.
The AAP highlights feeling secure and accepted by family, friends and community as building blocks of healthy self-esteem.
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Age-appropriate household tasks help kids feel valued and capable. The AAP suggests giving responsibilities and letting kids do them without constant checking.
- Feeding a pet
- Helping cook a meal
- Packing their own bag
- Planning part of a family outing
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Encouraging kids to try new things, not only what they already do well, helps them feel able to take on challenges.
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Helping kids set realistic goals, and break them into steps, lets them feel the satisfaction of getting there.
The AAP suggests expectations that are neither too low nor too high, so kids can build real competence.
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The AAP suggests letting children make choices that fit their age and your family’s values.
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Showing optimism and preparation when you face something new sets an example. You don’t have to be perfect; it helps to admit your nerves without dwelling on them.
Sharing how you recover from your own mistakes teaches that mistakes are part of learning.
Praise that helps
What to praise, and how, makes a real difference.
In a classic set of studies, children praised for being smart afterwards enjoyed tasks less, gave up sooner and did worse after a setback than children praised for their effort.
Over-the-top praise can also backfire. In one study, children with low self-esteem who were told they did “incredibly” well went on to choose easier tasks, perhaps worried they couldn’t live up to it.
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The AAP and Child Mind Institute both suggest celebrating effort, progress and perseverance, not only the end result.
- “I noticed you tried a different way when the first didn’t work.”
- “You practised every day this week.”
- “You stuck with that puzzle for a long time.”
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Specific praise shows you were really paying attention. The AAP suggests giving feedback soon after the behaviour.
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Researchers suggest that when praising children with low self-esteem, it helps not to inflate it.
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Children praised for intelligence were more likely to see ability as fixed and to avoid challenges.
Letting them struggle (a little)
Why stepping back can build more confidence than stepping in.
It is natural to want to protect kids from disappointment. But the Child Mind Institute notes that falling short shows children failure isn’t a disaster, and can motivate them to try harder.
Ways to step back kindly
- Ask “What could you try next?” before offering answers
- Let them finish a task their way, even if it’s slower or messier
- Respond calmly to mistakes, and focus on what they learned
- Set them up with activities where they can succeed, then stretch a bit further
- Wait a moment before jumping in to help
Girls, boys and pressure
How messages about gender can shape confidence.
On average, boys score slightly higher than girls on self-esteem. The difference is small, and it tends to be largest around ages 15 to 18 before narrowing again.
A large study found that from about sixth grade, girls describe their own performance less favourably than boys who did just as well. The gap stayed even when they knew their exact scores.
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- Ask “What are you proud of today?”
- Encourage sports, building, leading and speaking up
- Notice and praise brave tries, not only being kind or neat
- Share examples of women doing many kinds of work
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Boys can feel pressure to look tough and never show doubt. Real confidence includes feelings, asking for help and admitting mistakes.
- Praise kindness and teamwork as well as winning
- Show that adults ask for help too
- Talk about feelings in everyday ways, like in the car
- Welcome a wide range of interests
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Exploring their own interests helps young people build a sense of identity, which supports confidence.
Shy, quiet and cautious kids
Quiet is not the same as unconfident.
Some children are introverted: they like quieter settings and need time alone to recharge. Others are shy: they feel anxious in social situations and worry about being judged. Some are both.
Introverted kids may not need to change at all; they may just need quiet time. Shy kids often benefit from gentle confidence-building, seeing others model social skills, and encouragement to join in.
Ways to help a quiet child
- Arrive early to events so they can warm up
- Avoid labelling them “the shy one” in front of others
- Celebrate strengths like listening, noticing and thinking things through
- Let them watch first before joining
- Practise a few words for new situations together
For teens: building your own confidence
Straight talk for young people.
If you are a teen reading this: feeling unsure of yourself is really common, and it does get easier. Research shows self-esteem usually rises a lot as people move into their twenties.
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Learning new skills builds the belief that you can handle what comes your way.
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Feeds are edited. If scrolling leaves you feeling worse about yourself, try muting accounts that make you feel bad and following ones that inspire or make you laugh.
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Spending more time with supportive people, and less with people who put you down, helps how you see yourself.
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Being as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend is one of the NHS’s tips for raising self-esteem.
When and where to get help
When low confidence may be part of something bigger.
Most dips in confidence pass with time and support. But sometimes low confidence is a sign that a young person is struggling with something more, like anxiety, low mood, bullying or learning differences.
It may be time to talk to a professional if a child or teen…
- Avoids school, friends or activities they used to enjoy
- Often says things like “I’m stupid” or “I hate myself”
- Seems sad, worried or irritable most of the time
- Shows big changes in eating or sleeping
- Talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here
A pediatrician, family doctor or school counselor is a good first step. They can help work out what’s going on and suggest support. Please talk with your child’s clinical provider about what is right for them.
NIMH has tips on finding mental health help for children and adults.
📝 Worksheets for this guide
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Sources
- Psychological Bulletin (peer-reviewed) (2018). Development of self-esteem from age 4 to 94 years: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies (Orth, Erol & Luciano, Psychological Bulletin 144(10))
- University of Bern (2018). Self-worth of children and teenagers develops more positively than supposed
- Psychological Bulletin (peer-reviewed) (1999). Gender differences in self-esteem: A meta-analysis (Kling, Hyde, Showers & Buswell, Psychological Bulletin 125(4): 470–500)
- Psychological Science (peer-reviewed) (2014). “That’s not just beautiful—that’s incredibly beautiful!”: The adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem (Brummelman et al., Psychological Science 25(3): 728–735)
- British Psychological Society (The Psychologist) (2014). Inflated praise for your children: an “incredibly” bad idea?
- The Quarterly Journal of Economics (peer-reviewed) (2022). The Gender Gap in Self-Promotion (Exley & Kessler, The Quarterly Journal of Economics 137(3))
- Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (peer-reviewed) (1998). Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and performance (Mueller & Dweck, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75(1): 33–52)
- American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), HealthyChildren.org (2024). Building Blocks for Healthy Self Esteem in Kids
- Child Mind Institute. 12 Tips for Raising Confident Kids
- Nemours KidsHealth (2023). Your Child’s Self-Esteem
- Dartmouth Health Children’s. The Difference Between Shy and Introvert
- NHS (UK National Health Service). Raising low self-esteem
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Help for Mental Illnesses
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Crisis Text Line (Disaster Behavioral Health Information Series)
- Find A Helpline (ThroughLine). Find A Helpline
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
