Sibling jealousy in kids

A child who needs a lot of attention, or seems clingy, can stir up resentment in siblings who want that attention too.

Children’s needs change as they grow. Toddlers guard their things, school-age children focus on fairness, and teens want independence and may resent chores or looking after younger siblings.

Differences in mood, adaptability and personality can add friction. In a study of 304 families, firstborns with a more “difficult” temperament felt more sibling jealousy, while those better at managing emotions felt less.

Children often learn from how parents handle disagreements. Yelling and slamming doors can show them that’s how to deal with big feelings.

Toddlers may not understand what a brother or sister is. Your warmth and reassurance matter most, along with a little special time or a small outing just for them.

Preschoolers are still learning to share and may feel they have to compete for your attention. Changes to routine can be hard, and some going backwards is common.

School-age children are usually less threatened by a new baby but may resent the attention it gets. They tend to notice fairness, privileges and who gets what.

Teens may resent having to look after younger siblings or feel their own needs get pushed aside.

Ideas to try

• Avoid big changes, like toilet training or a new bed, right before the birth
• Be honest that babies cry and need lots of care
• Let them help get ready for the baby
• Look at their own baby photos together
• Read picture books about new siblings

What helps

• Ask visitors to spend time with the older child too
• Explain that the baby sometimes needs care first
• Invite them to help in small, age-right ways
• Let them cuddle close during feeds
• Let other family members spend solo time with them

In a study of 224 families, most firstborns stayed fairly settled when their mother cared for the new baby. About 3 in 10 went back and forth between coming close and pulling away, a small group were anxious and clingy, and very few were highly disruptive.

When a child says “not fair!”, try explaining the reason: “Your brother has a later bedtime because he’s older. When you’re ten, you’ll stay up later too.” Children often cope better when differences make sense to them.

Always going along with the younger or less mature child can build resentment in the older one. Let each child choose activities they enjoy sometimes.

Comparing children, even with good intentions, can feed jealousy. Labels like “the smart one” or “the sporty one” can box children in and make them feel they must compete.

A large review found parents reported favoring daughters, and children who were more agreeable and conscientious got more favored treatment. Older siblings were often given more freedom.

Most parents don’t mean to play favorites. Knowing these patterns can help you notice them.

In a survey of 200 young adults, getting unequal affection compared with a sibling, whether more or less, was linked to more negative views of self and others, and to more distress in romantic relationships later.

Small ways to show it

• A note in a lunchbox
• Asking about their day, one-on-one
• Noticing effort, not just results
• Saying “I love you” to each child, in their own way

Siblings may feel overlooked unless they act out. Spending one-on-one time with each child and building a special relationship with each one can help.

Give siblings honest information about the condition, listen to their questions and involve them in family decisions that affect them.

Stepsiblings often compete for a parent’s attention. Sharing rooms or belongings can stir up anger and jealousy. Each child needs some time alone with their own parent, and their own space where possible.

Young children may act out their feelings with dolls or toys. A doll can help a preschooler practise caring for a baby, and picture books can open up conversations.

Feeling words to teach

• Cross
• Left out
• Lonely
• Sad
• Worried

In one study, children who were better at managing emotions felt less sibling jealousy. Naming feelings is a first step toward managing them.

One-on-one time can fit into daily life, like a nightly chat at bedtime or taking turns walking the dog. Special outings, like a monthly breakfast, can give children something to look forward to.

Letting each child have their own space and activities can reduce direct competition. A sibling’s playdate can be a chance for focused time with the other child.

The bond between siblings is an important foundation for their emotional wellbeing. They learn from each other how to solve conflicts, support each other and appreciate differences.

Shared goals, like building something together or beating the timer to tidy up, help siblings feel like a team.

Look closer if

• A child doesn’t want to be alone with a sibling
• Fights are getting more intense or causing injuries
• One child’s mood or confidence keeps dropping
• The same child is always the target

Step in if anyone could be physically hurt. Separate children until they calm down, avoid blaming, and later help them find solutions together.

A pediatrician can suggest counsellors, social workers or sibling support groups, so you don’t have to handle this alone.

The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: call or text 1-800-422-4453. It is for anyone concerned about a child. In an emergency, call 911.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in many countries, including for children and parents. In an emergency, contact your local emergency number.