After a suicide loss

988 is for anyone in emotional distress, not only people thinking about suicide. You can reach a trained counselor any time by calling or texting 988, or chatting at chat.988lifeline.org. It is free and confidential.

For Spanish, press 2 when you call, or text AYUDA. Veterans and their families can press 1.

If talking feels too hard, text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, at any time, to reach a trained volunteer crisis counselor. It is free and confidential.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) offers Healing Conversations: personal support from trained volunteers who are suicide loss survivors themselves. Many people find it comforting to talk with someone who truly understands.

AFSP keeps a directory of suicide loss support groups in the U.S. and other countries. AFSP does not run or endorse the groups, so it is fine to try a few until one feels right.

Find A Helpline lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries, by phone, text or chat.

• Anger: at your loved one, at yourself, or at others for missing signs
• Confusion: trying to make sense of why. Some questions may never be fully answered
• Despair: deep sadness, loneliness or helplessness
• Guilt: replaying “what if” and “if only” again and again
• Rejection: wondering why your love or relationship “wasn’t enough”
• Shock: disbelief and numbness, as if it can’t be real

In the weeks and months afterwards, some people have nightmares, flashbacks, trouble concentrating, or lose interest in usual activities, especially if they witnessed or found the death.

If images or memories keep coming back and won’t ease, a therapist who understands trauma and suicide bereavement can help. AFSP keeps a directory of suicide bereavement trained clinicians.

One person may want to talk about it all the time, while another goes quiet or throws themselves into work. These differences are normal, even within the same family, and they don’t mean someone cares less.

Suicide loss reaches far beyond close family. Friends, partners, coworkers, classmates, teammates, neighbours and care providers can all be deeply affected, and their grief deserves support too.

Many survivors go over the last days, messages and conversations again and again, looking for the reason. This searching is part of grief. Over time, many people find they can live with not knowing everything.

Guilt often comes as “what if” and “if only”. Looking back, small moments can seem like obvious signs. At the time, they were mixed in with everyday life, and the person may have hidden how much they were hurting.

Gentle things to tell yourself

• “I did the best I could with what I knew then.”
• “Many things came together. It was not one moment.”
• “Love doesn’t always protect people from pain, and that isn’t my fault.”

Anger at your loved one, at yourself, or at others for missing signs is a common part of suicide grief. Feeling angry doesn’t mean you loved them less.

Stigma around suicide is a major barrier to getting help. In a UK study of young adults bereaved by sudden death, those bereaved by suicide reported more stigma, and that stigma seemed to explain much of the extra strain they carried.

Finding people who will listen without judgment, such as a loss survivors group, can ease that weight.

Examples

• “My brother died by suicide. I’m not ready to talk about the details.”
• “She was struggling with a lot of pain. We miss her so much.”
• “Thank you for asking. Today is a hard day.”

AFSP offers guidance on whether an obituary has to say the death was a suicide, and on handling media attention. Safe-messaging guidelines advise never sharing details of how someone died or images of the scene.

• Ask a trusted friend to manage messages or comments for you
• Ask others not to post details or rumours
• Share 988 alongside memorial posts, in case others are struggling
• Use “died by suicide”, not “committed suicide”

You can ask a manager, HR contact or school counselor to share the news for you, and to tell others what kind of support you would like. AFSP has postvention toolkits that help workplaces and schools respond with care.

• Ask a funeral director or faith leader to guide you through choices
• Don’t make big decisions you don’t have to make right away
• Let one trusted friend handle calls, messages and meals
• Say yes to specific offers, like rides, childcare or cooking

Survivors are encouraged to care for themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually, and not to cope alone.

• Drink water and eat something small, even if you aren’t hungry
• Get outside for a few minutes each day
• Rest when you can, even if sleep won’t come
• Go easy on alcohol, which can make feelings harder to manage

A funeral or memorial can focus on the person’s whole life, not only how they died. Safe-messaging guidance suggests talking about the person, their pain and the help that exists, rather than any details of the death.

• “It was not your fault.”
• “It’s okay to feel sad, angry or confused, and it’s okay to laugh too.”
• “Nothing you said or did caused this.”
• “You can ask me anything, anytime.”

For younger children, returning to school is easier when parents or carers open a conversation first, so the child can share their feelings and worries. It can also help to let the teacher or school counselor know what happened.

Teens often face questions from friends about who died and how. Deciding ahead of time how they will answer can help them feel more in control.

Keep an eye on how they are doing over time, and remind them they can reach 988 or a trusted adult any time.

AFSP has a booklet called Children, Teens and Suicide Loss, with a Spanish version, plus a healing guide for adults called Surviving a Suicide Loss.

• Don’t let anyone rush you because they think it’s been “long enough”
• Expect hard days, even years later. That is normal
• Grieve in your own way. Wait to visit the grave or share details until you are ready
• If a support group keeps you stuck on the death, look for other kinds of support
• Plan for anniversaries, holidays and birthdays, and change traditions that are too painful
• Stay in touch with people who will listen, or simply sit with you

Holidays, Mother’s Day, birthdays and the anniversary of the death can be especially hard. Planning ahead, even simply, can make these days feel less overwhelming.

Ideas

• Decide ahead who you’ll spend the day with
• Give yourself permission to skip events
• Light a candle, cook their favourite meal, or visit a place they loved
• Tell people it’s a hard date, so they can check in

International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is held each year on the Saturday before U.S. Thanksgiving. AFSP supports hundreds of events around the world, usually a short film followed by a group discussion. You can share or simply listen, and step out for a break whenever you need to.

There are also online events, including a Spanish-language panel, that you can watch from home without registering.

• Gatherings for long-term survivors, years after a loss
• Healing Conversations: talking one-to-one with a trained volunteer who has also lost someone to suicide
• Memory quilts and other ways to honour your loved one’s life
• Support groups for suicide loss survivors, found through AFSP’s directory
• Therapists trained in suicide bereavement, listed in AFSP’s directory

AFSP notes that it does not run or endorse the groups and clinicians listed, so it is fine to try a few until one feels right.

Some survivors find comfort in honouring their loved one by supporting others, joining awareness walks, or volunteering in suicide prevention. There is no right time, and no obligation. Caring for yourself comes first.

• Keep checking in for months, not just weeks
• Listen to the “why” questions without trying to answer them
• Offer specific help: meals, childcare, errands, paperwork
• Remember the anniversary and other hard dates
• Say their loved one’s name and share memories

Survivors often say they appreciate people asking about their loved one’s life, not only about how they died.

• Asking how they died, or for details
• “Did you see any signs?” or anything that suggests blame
• Judging the person who died
• Saying “committed suicide”. Say “died by suicide”

• “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
• “I’m so sorry. I loved how [name] always…”
• “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?”
• “No need to reply. Just thinking of you.”

Some people grieving a suicide have thoughts of suicide themselves. If they talk about not wanting to live, ask directly whether they are thinking about suicide, and call or text 988 together.

AFSP offers postvention toolkits for workplaces, K–12 schools and college campuses. They help leaders share news safely, support grieving people, and watch out for others who may be at risk.

What helps

• A plan for supporting staff or students after a loss
• Flexible time off and a gentle return
• Sharing 988 and any support programs
• Sharing news without details of how the person died

• Keep a list of local mental health services and 988 handy
• Make sure grieving families feel welcome, not judged
• Speak about suicide with compassion from the pulpit or in groups
• Remember families on hard dates

Beliefs and communities that encourage connection, purpose and asking for help are protective.

Suicide contagion happens when one suicide is talked about in a way that contributes to more. Talking about hope, help and the person’s life, and never sharing details of the death, can protect others who are struggling.

A meal, a card, a walk together or a message on a hard date tells survivors they are not alone. Feeling connected to family and community is one of the strongest protective factors there is.