Losing your dad

Many dads, especially of older generations, showed love more through actions than words. You may miss the practical help, and realize only now how much love was inside it.

What can help

• Learning one skill he used to do for you
• Listing the things he did that you now see as love
• Using his tools or doing a job the way he taught you

You may still reach for the phone to ask him something, then remember. Many people keep asking, “What would Dad say?” and find his voice still answers in some way.

It is often the small things people miss most: his laugh, his sayings, the way he answered the phone. Remembering these can bring tears and smiles at the same time.

The man who raised you may not be your biological father. A stepdad, adoptive dad, foster dad, grandfather, uncle, older brother, coach or mentor can be your dad in every way that matters. Losing him is losing a father.

Some people get less time off work or fewer cards when a father figure dies. Your grief is still real and deserves care.

A child or teen may miss their dad most at moments they pictured him being there: sports games, learning to drive, a first job, graduation. Some feel different from friends who still have their dads.

What can help

• A trusted adult who can show up at games and events
• Keeping something of his, like a hoodie, a watch or a cap
• Peer grief groups with others who lost a parent
• Permission to talk about him, and to still have fun

Losing a parent earlier in adulthood than expected can hit especially hard. You may face a wedding, a first home or a career step without his advice or pride.

Friends your age may not understand yet. Groups for young adults who have lost a parent can help you feel less alone.

Becoming a parent can bring a new wave of grief. You may hear his words come out of your mouth, or wish he could hold your baby. You may also decide some things you want to do differently.

Ideas

• Pass on a game, a skill or a story he loved
• Show your child photos of their grandfather
• Tell them what he was like as a dad

In mid-life, you may be juggling work and children while supporting your surviving parent. If you were his caregiver, there may be little room for your own grief.

Even in your 60s or 70s, losing your dad can stir up feelings of being someone’s son or daughter. Others may expect you to be fine because he was old. You are allowed to grieve him fully.

Many sons measured themselves against their dads, for better or worse. When he dies, you may feel lost, or suddenly “next in line”. You may also feel you have to hold it together for everyone.

What can help

• Doing something he loved, like fishing, a game or a drive
• Finishing a project he started, if that feels right
• Letting yourself cry, alone or with someone you trust
• Talking about him with a brother, friend or uncle

Some daughters miss their dad most at moments like a graduation or a wedding, where they pictured him beside them. Others miss the way he cheered them on, or the simple comfort of his presence.

Ways to include him at big events

• A dance or a walk with someone who loved him too
• A photo or something of his tied to your bouquet or jacket
• Saying his name in a speech
• Wearing his watch, tie or cufflinks

Boys are sometimes told they must take their father’s place. Even when meant kindly, this can put adult weight on a child and leave little room to grieve. Children need to be allowed to be children.

If you were told this as a child, you may still carry it. Naming it can be a first step to setting some of that weight down.

Some people are non-binary or don’t fit what family expects of a son or daughter. If your relationship with your dad was shaped by acceptance, or a lack of it, your grief may carry that too. All of it is allowed.

When an absent father dies, you may grieve the relationship you never had, and the chance to ever have it. Others may say “but you didn’t even know him”. That doesn’t make your feelings less real.

Some dads were physically present but emotionally closed. You may grieve conversations that never happened, or wonder if he knew how you felt. Some people find letters, photos or stories from his friends show a side of him they never saw.

If your father was abusive or frightening, his death may bring relief, old fear, anger, or grief for the childhood you deserved. You do not owe anyone a particular kind of mourning.

What can help

• Choosing for yourself whether to attend the funeral
• Having a support person with you around family
• Letting a lawyer or executor handle contact if needed
• Talking with a counselor who understands trauma

Sometimes a death brings news: another family, debts, an illness he hid, or kindness he never showed you. This can reopen old questions and make grief feel even more confusing.

Take your time. You don’t have to decide right away what it means, or whether to reach out to new relatives.

If your dad was incarcerated, lived far away or you lost touch, you may have had little chance to say goodbye. You may also feel judged for grieving him. Your love and loss still count.

Plan comforting, supportive time and activities for at least a week before the day. Make a plan for the day too, even if that plan is to do nothing.

Pick one area, like food, films, music or activities, and choose a few things he loved. If you don’t know, go with your best guess, or pick things you love.

Ideas

• Cook his favorite meal or go to his favorite diner
• Go for a drive, a hike or a fishing trip he liked
• Play his records or his playlist
• Watch his team play, wearing his jersey

Cashiers, servers and strangers may ask about your Father’s Day plans. Some people answer honestly: “Not so great. My dad died this year.” Others say “Fine, thanks.” There is no right or wrong way to respond.

Social media will likely be full of Father’s Day posts. Consider a break, or decide ahead of time what you want to share.

If you are a father, the day can hold both joy and grief. You might share a tradition from your own dad with your children, or tell them a story about him.

With children, talk ahead of time about what they would like to do. Let them know it is okay to celebrate and equally okay not to. Check with teachers about Father’s Day activities at school.

Helping others can take you out of your own experience for a while and bring a sense of belonging. You might pick a cause that mattered to your dad.

Make a list of what your dad used to handle. It can explain why things feel so overwhelming, and make it easier to share.

Things dads often handled

• Being the calm one in an emergency
• Bills, taxes and insurance
• Car and home repairs
• Driving relatives to appointments
• Grilling, carving or cooking a holiday meal

You may suddenly need to fix a leak, deal with the car or handle family money. It is okay to ask for help, watch videos or hire someone. Some people find that learning one of his skills becomes a way to feel close to him.

Your surviving parent may lean on you for practical help and company. It is kind to support them, and also okay to share check-ins with siblings or relatives.

Their grief may look different from yours. They may want to talk about him a lot, or not at all. Letting each person grieve their own way helps the whole family.

No one can or should become your dad. Sharing his roles among family, and changing how some things are done, is not disloyal. It is how families keep going.

A man in a cap like his, a smell in the garage, a game on TV: reminders can catch you off guard. This is a normal part of grief, not a step backwards.

In the moment

• Breathe slowly and let the feeling pass through
• Say his name, out loud or in your head
• Step outside or find a quiet spot for a minute
• Text someone who knew him

Facing the loss might mean visiting his grave, looking at photos or talking about him. Taking a break might mean work, sport, time with friends or learning something new. Healthy grieving usually includes both.

Some people feel uneasy as they near the age their dad was when he died. If he died of an illness, talking with your doctor about your own health can turn that worry into a plan.

Ideas

• A shirt or jersey made into a cushion or quilt
• His cap or jacket for cold days
• His tools in your own toolbox
• His watch or ring worn every day

Ideas

• Ask his friends and coworkers for stories about him
• Keep a list of his advice on your phone
• Record family members telling stories about him
• Write his sayings inside a book you pass on

Some people talk to their dad in the car, at his grave, or while doing something he loved. Others write letters. This is common, and many find it comforting.

Many faiths and cultures have their own ways of honoring a father: prayers on anniversaries, lighting candles, visiting graves, a home altar with his photo, special foods on remembrance days. These rituals can give grief a place to go.

If you live far from your family’s traditions, you can adapt them, mix them, or create your own. A faith leader or community elder can help if you want to learn more.

Ideas

• Coach, mentor or volunteer the way he did
• Donate to a cause he cared about
• Practice his patience, generosity or humor
• Tell your children or younger relatives stories about him

Some friends reach out on Father’s Day and some don’t. A simple text can mean a lot: “Thinking of you and your dad this weekend.” If you are unsure, ask what kind of messages feel supportive.

Things that help

• “Your dad always made me laugh.”
• “What’s something he taught you?”
• “What do you miss most about him?”

Not everyone wants to sit and talk face to face. Offer a walk, a drive, a game or help with a job. Conversations often come more easily side by side.

Offers that help

• Bringing a meal on a hard day
• Helping with a home or car job he used to do
• Helping with children while they handle paperwork
• Sitting with them while they make phone calls

Try not to say

• “At least he’s not suffering.” (unless they say it first)
• “He’s in a better place.” (unless you share their beliefs and they say it first)
• “You have to be strong for your mom.”
• “You’re the man of the house now.”

Instead, try: “I’m so sorry about your dad. I’m here.”

Hospices, hospitals, faith communities and community centers often run grief groups, and some are online. Ask the hospice or hospital where your dad was cared for whether they offer groups for families.

The Dougy Center offers grief resources for children, teens, young adults and families, and a worldwide directory of peer grief groups. Visit dougy.org.

A grief counselor or therapist can help with heavy, stuck or very mixed feelings, including grief for an absent or hurtful father. An estimated 4% to 15% of bereaved adults have grief that stays intense for a long time, and support can help.

Free, confidential support 24/7 by call or text to 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. You don’t have to be suicidal to call. Grief that feels unbearable is reason enough.

A trained crisis counselor replies by text, free, at any hour.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in many countries around the world.