Infertility & pregnancy loss

Many miscarriages happen before a woman even knows she is pregnant, or before she has told anyone. Losses like this, and the loss of hoped-for children through infertility, are often not recognised by others. That can make grief feel lonely or “not allowed”.

Gentle ideas

• Choose a date or ritual to remember
• Know that there is no “right” amount of time to grieve
• Tell one trusted person what happened
• Write a letter to the baby or to the future you hoped for

In a small London study, about 4 in 10 women had signs of post-traumatic stress three months after an early pregnancy loss, and many also had anxiety. The researchers say women should be offered a chance to talk through their feelings with a health professional.

Common feelings

• Anger at your body, at doctors, or at the unfairness of it all
• Guilt, even though the loss was not your fault
• Jealousy when friends announce pregnancies
• Numbness, or feeling fine and then struggling later
• Worry about the future

The months or years of trying, tests, waiting and hoping can bring stress, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.

Things people describe

• Costs and lack of insurance coverage add money stress
• Family questions like “When are you having kids?” can sting
• It can be hard to plan anything else in life while you wait
• It can feel like a loss every month, over and over
• Sex and intimacy can start to feel like a task on a calendar
• Your body may feel like it is “failing” you, even though it is not your fault

Infertility and fertility care affect many kinds of people, including same-sex couples, single people hoping to become parents, older people and cancer survivors.

In many places, women are blamed for infertility whatever the real cause, and can face stigma, pressure from family, relationship strain or even violence. If someone is hurting or threatening you over this, it is not your fault, and help is available.

Ideas

• Agreeing with your partner on what you share, and with whom
• Giving yourself permission to skip baby showers if you need to
• Holding onto parts of life that are not about trying for a baby
• Support groups, in person or online
• Talking with a counselor who understands fertility struggles

RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association (resolve.org) runs free support groups led by trained volunteers, in communities and online.

Each treatment cycle has its own emotional rhythm. There is often hope and busyness at the start, with appointments, scans and schedules. Then comes the waiting, which can feel endless. Then a result that brings joy, or grief. Many people go through this several times, and the ups and downs can add up.

Getting through a cycle

• Before: talk with your partner about how you each cope, and plan support for result day
• During: keep a few normal routines, like a walk or a favourite show, so life isn’t only about treatment
• The wait: plan gentle distractions, and decide ahead whether you will test early or wait for the clinic
• Result day: have someone you trust nearby, or plan quiet time together
• After a negative result: give yourself time to grieve before deciding next steps

Treatment can put a strain on money, work and relationships. Many people keep treatment a secret at work, which adds stress. Partners may cope in different ways: one wants to talk, the other goes quiet. Neither is wrong. Saying out loud how you each cope can prevent hurt feelings.

Access to fertility care is uneven. It is often not covered by insurance or public health plans, and cost is a big barrier for many people. This is a system problem, not a personal failing.

Deciding when to stop treatment, or to look at other paths to parenthood, or to live without children, can be one of the hardest decisions of all. There is no right answer, and a counselor can help you think it through without pressure.

Ideas

• Decide with your partner how much you will share, and with whom
• Find others going through treatment, online or in person
• Plan something kind for yourself during waiting periods
• Set limits on searching online for answers
• Talk with a counselor who specialises in fertility

A loss can have a deep emotional impact on you, your partner and your family. Guilt, shock, sadness and anger are all common. Some people feel fine at first and struggle later.

The NHS says miscarriage is not linked to stress or a shock, exercise, lifting, working, having sex, flying or eating spicy food during pregnancy.

Ideas

• Marking it in a way that feels right: a candle, a letter, a tree
• Naming your loss and letting yourself grieve
• Talking to others who have been through it
• Telling friends what you need, even if it is “just sit with me”

Some people want everyone to know so they don’t have to pretend. Others tell only one or two people. Both are okay. It can help to have a few words ready, like “We lost the pregnancy. We’re sad, and we’d like some space.”

Losing a pregnancy this way can be devastating, and it may come with fear for your own health too. Many women grieve as they would for a loved one. The feelings often last several months, but tend to ease over time.

Some people face other painful medical decisions in pregnancy. Whatever the circumstances, you are allowed to grieve, and you deserve care without judgment.

Parents often say they wish more people talked about stillbirth. Saying your baby’s name, and having others say it too, can be a comfort. Your baby was real and your love is real.

What can help

• A bereavement counselor or a support group for parents who have lost a baby
• Gentle care for your body as it recovers
• Keeping mementos: a photo, footprints, a blanket
• Letting friends and family know what you need, including being remembered on hard dates
• Taking time to hold, name or make memories of your baby, if you wish

Grief after stillbirth can also bring depression or trauma. If you feel stuck, hopeless or panicky, please talk to your clinical provider or a therapist.

A pregnancy after loss can bring joy mixed with fear, and it is common to hold back from getting excited. Some people count down to each scan, or feel guilty for feeling happy. Both feelings make sense.

What helps

• Extra emotional support during the pregnancy, from a counselor or group
• Letting yourself feel both hope and worry
• Taking your time; there is no rush to “move on”
• Telling your care team about your past loss so they can support you

Reaching the week when you lost a previous pregnancy, or the due date of a baby who was lost, can stir up strong feelings. Planning ahead for these days can help.

Ways to grieve together

• Accept that you may grieve in different ways and at different times
• Ask each other: “How are you really doing with this?”
• Consider couples counseling if you feel stuck
• Do something together to remember

Partners who did not carry the pregnancy can feel their grief is overlooked. It is okay to say you are hurting, and to get support of your own. Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support offers support to parents, grandparents and other family members.

Words that can help

• “I’m so sorry. I’m here.”
• “I’m thinking of you and [baby’s name].”
• “You don’t have to talk about it, but I’m happy to listen.”
• “What would help this week?”

Try to avoid

• “At least it was early.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Just relax and it will happen.”
• “You can always try again.”
• “When are you having kids?”

If you’ve said something that landed badly, it’s okay to say, “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I want to understand.”

Ideas

• Drive them to appointments, including fertility clinic visits
• Remember hard dates, like a due date for a baby who was lost
• Send a “thinking of you” message on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day
• Share pregnancy news gently and privately, so they can react in their own time