Losing a child

In the U.S., stillbirth means losing a baby at or after 20 weeks of pregnancy. It affects about 1 in 175 births.

Parents can choose whether to see and hold their baby, take photographs, and collect keepsakes such as a lock of hair or hand and foot prints. If you are unsure, hospitals can often store keepsakes for you to collect later.

A stillbirth can be emotionally traumatic for both parents and for other family members. Guilt, anxiety, low mood and trauma reactions are common.

A follow-up appointment is a chance to ask about what happened and about future pregnancies. Tests after a stillbirth can sometimes give more information about why the baby died.

A later pregnancy can bring hope and fear together. Some parents feel guilty for feeling happy. Both feelings make sense. A new baby never replaces the baby who died. You can love both.

When a baby or young child dies, parents grieve not only who their child was, but every birthday, first day of school and milestone they will never see.

You may also lose daily routines that filled your life: feeds, bedtimes, school runs, playdates and the other parents you knew.

When a teenager or young adult dies, the loss is often sudden, for example through an accident, overdose or suicide. Parents may also be surrounded by their child’s friends, who are grieving too.

When an adult child dies, people may focus on their partner or children, and forget that a parent has lost their child. You may not be asked how you are, or have a say in the funeral.

Things older parents often face

• Feeling the support goes to the spouse or grandchildren, not you
• Losing the child who might have cared for you in later life
• Sometimes stepping in to help raise grandchildren
• Worry about keeping contact with grandchildren

Grandparents often say they grieve their grandchild and also watch their own son or daughter suffer. In one U.S. study, grandparents who had helped care for the grandchild had stronger grief.

Parents feel responsible for keeping their children safe. After a sudden death, many replay events, asking “What if I had…?” This is the mind trying to make sense of something senseless.

Grief is more likely to stay very intense when a death was sudden or violent.

When a child dies after a long illness, parents lose their child and also the daily world of hospital visits, care tasks and the medical team who knew them. The silence afterwards can be overwhelming.

What can help

• Ask the hospital or hospice about bereavement support for families
• Expect the exhaustion of caregiving to catch up with you
• Stay in touch with a nurse or family you met in hospital, if that comforts you

In a U.S. study of parents whose baby or child died in intensive care, health problems were most common in the first 6 months and around the anniversary of the death.

Small ways to care for yourself

• Book a check-up with your own doctor
• Drink water and eat something small, even without appetite
• Get outside for a few minutes each day
• Plan extra support for the weeks around the anniversary

It is easy to read a partner’s silence as not caring, or their tears as “not coping”. Often both people are hurting deeply in their own way.

Ideas

• Agree on a short daily check-in, even ten minutes
• Ask each other, “What kind of day is it for you?”
• Let each other grieve alone sometimes, without taking it personally
• Plan hard dates together, but allow different ways of marking them

Some grieving parents want closeness and comfort. Others can’t bear it for a while. Laughter or pleasure can also bring guilt. Talking gently about this, without pressure, helps.

Options

• A bereaved parents’ group you attend together
• A grief counselor who sees couples
• Each having your own support too, so your partner isn’t your only outlet

Use short, clear words a child can understand, and let their questions guide what else you share. Words like “passed away”, “went to sleep” or “lost” can confuse young children.

Young children may ask the same questions again and again. Repeating the same simple answer helps them make sense of it.

If their sibling died of an illness, name it, rather than saying “he got really sick”. Vague words can make children scared the next time someone catches a cold.

When a brother or sister dies, young children often wonder whether they are in danger too. Reassure them that they are safe and that you will be there for them.

Children may go in and out of grief for many months, while parents often feel it all the time. A child playing happily is not a sign they didn’t care.

Grieving siblings can feel pressure to make up for the loss, or to be “super achievers”. Some feel survivor guilt. Tell them they don’t have to replace their brother or sister, and celebrate who they are.

Some children talk. Many express grief through art, writing, music, creative play or big-energy play like running and sports.

Let grieving siblings still be children, with room to play, make mistakes and have the same freedoms as others their age. Adults often become more protective after a death, and that can feel overwhelming to a child.

Let children take part in decisions, like what to do on the birthday or anniversary, whether to visit the grave, and how to keep their sibling’s memory alive. Even in one family, one child may want photos out while another keeps them in a drawer. If you are unsure what they need, start by asking them.

One of the best ways to help a grieving child is to look after yourself. How well a child does after a death is linked to how well the adults around them are doing. This doesn’t mean hiding your grief. It means having people and activities that comfort you too.

Children need to know they are not responsible for the household, and that there is still an adult to take care of them.

If a child’s grief keeps getting in the way of school, sleep or friendships, talk with their doctor, school counselor or a mental health professional.

Answers parents use

• “I have three children. One of them died two years ago.”
• “Two here with me, and one who died.”
• “Three.” (and leave it there)
• “Two.” (with a stranger you won’t see again, and a quiet thought for your third)

Ask yourself

• Do I have the energy for what may follow?
• How would I feel afterwards with each answer?
• Will I see this person again?

When an only child dies, the question can feel even harder, and some people stop seeing you as a parent at all. You may lose school friends, parent groups and plans for the future in one blow.

Answers some parents use

• “I have one son. He died last year.”
• “I’m a mom. My daughter isn’t with us anymore.”

Phrases that help

• “It’s hard to talk about, but I’m glad you asked about my kids.”
• “She was wonderful. Can I tell you about her another time?”
• “Thank you. I’d rather not talk about how right now.”

Friends and family often avoid saying a child’s name for fear of upsetting you. Many parents say hearing it brings comfort. It is okay to tell people: “Please talk about her.”

Ideas

• A birthday cake, a balloon release or a visit to a favorite place
• An act of kindness in their name
• Inviting their friends to share memories
• Taking the day off, if that helps

The Compassionate Friends holds a yearly Worldwide Candle Lighting, when families around the world light candles in memory of children who have died.

The first year brings a string of “firsts”, and later milestones can hurt too: the year they would have started school, graduated or married.

Ideas

• Hang their stocking or set a place for them, if that comforts you
• Mute social media for the day
• Plan a short, gentle outing rather than a big gathering
• Spend it with people who will say your child’s name

Ideas

• A memory book with photos and stories from family and friends
• A scholarship, fundraiser or bench in their name
• Planting a tree or garden
• Supporting a cause they cared about

In the long-term study of bereaved parents, those with a sense of purpose in life were more likely to have recovered from grief.

Purpose doesn’t mean “moving on”. For some parents, it is volunteering or helping other bereaved families. For others, it is simply caring for the people still here.

Other people’s joy, like a friend’s new baby or a coworker’s graduation photos, can hurt. Feeling that pain doesn’t make you a bad friend.

It is okay to

• Leave an event early
• Mute or hide posts for a while
• Send a card instead of going to a baby shower

Some parents avoid these places for a long time. Others find comfort there. Both are okay, and what feels right can change over time.

Looking back, signs can seem obvious. At the time, you were living one ordinary day after another, doing your best with what you knew.

Many parents feel guilty the first time they laugh, enjoy a meal or forget for a moment. Moments of joy don’t mean you love your child less. Grief and love can sit side by side.

Put the dates in your calendar. A simple text, “Thinking of you and Sam today”, can mean the world, years later.

Things that help

• “I miss her too.”
• “I was thinking about Sam’s laugh today.”
• “What was he like as a little boy?”

Offers that help

• A standing weekly walk or coffee
• Driving their other children to school or practice
• Meals in month three, not just week one
• Mowing the lawn or doing the grocery run

When an adult child dies, their older parents may be overlooked. When a young child dies, grandparents are grieving too. Ask them how they are.

Try not to say

• “At least you have other children.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “You can have another baby.”
• “You’re so strong, I couldn’t cope.”

Instead, try: “I’m so sorry. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

The Compassionate Friends supports families grieving the death of a child at any age, from any cause. It has more than 500 chapters across all 50 states, Washington, D.C. and Puerto Rico, plus online support.

Parents, grandparents and siblings can take part. The national office number is 877-969-0010, and there is no fee for its services.

Share offers support groups, online communities, peer companions, and phone and email support for families after pregnancy loss, stillbirth or infant death.

It supports parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, other family and friends.

The Dougy Center offers peer grief support, free tip sheets and toolkits for kids, teens, young adults and parents, and a worldwide directory to find grief groups near you. Visit dougy.org.

If your child was in hospice or hospital care, ask whether they run grief groups or counseling for families. Faith communities and community centers often run groups too.

An estimated 4% to 15% of bereaved adults have grief that stays intense and disabling for a long time. The risk is higher after the death of a child, or a sudden death. Talking therapies have been shown to help.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries.

The Dougy Center’s worldwide directory lists grief groups for children and families in many countries.