Losing a brother or sister
They knew you before almost anyone else did. Your grief for them is real, at any age, and it deserves care.
By the numbers
How common sibling loss is, and what research shows.
Children & teens
What research shows
Why losing a sibling hurts so much
A lifelong bond, and a grief that often goes unseen.
A brother or sister is often your longest relationship. They watched you grow up, kept your secrets, protected you, teased you, and knew your family from the inside. Many surviving siblings say it feels like part of themselves died too.
Bereaved siblings are sometimes called “the forgotten mourners.” Support often flows to the parents, partner or children of the person who died. Siblings may be asked “How are your parents doing?” more often than “How are you?”
Read more
Siblings share inside jokes, childhood homes, family holidays and the same parents. When one dies, the other may feel like the only keeper of those memories now.
What can help
- Ask cousins and old friends for their stories about your sibling
- Gather photos, videos and messages in one safe place
- Write down memories as they come back, even small ones
Read more
Many people expect their siblings to be there for weddings, new babies, caring for parents, and old age. Grief includes all the moments you thought you would share.
Read more
Workplaces may give little or no leave for a sibling. Friends may not realize how close you were. Young siblings may stay quiet to avoid adding to their parents’ pain.
What can help
- Name your loss plainly: “My brother died. I’m grieving.”
- Ask your workplace or school what leave or flexibility they can offer
- Find one person who asks about you, not only your parents
When a child or teen loses a sibling
How young siblings grieve, and how adults can help.
Children grieve in cycles. They may be sad one minute and want to play the next. More than adults, children need breaks from grief, and laughing or having fun is not disrespectful to the sibling who died.
Read more
After an argument, a child may once have thought “I wish you were gone.” Later, they may secretly believe those thoughts caused the death. Older children may also feel guilty simply for being alive.
What helps
- Say clearly and more than once: “Nothing you thought or said made this happen.”
- Gently ask what they think happened, and correct mix-ups
- Let them know all brothers and sisters argue sometimes
Read more
A sibling’s death can make a child afraid that they could die too, especially if they think it could have been prevented.
What helps
- Give honest, simple facts about what happened, fitting their age
- Explain what is different about their own body or situation, if that is true
- Keep routines steady so the world feels safer
Read more
Teens may lean on friends more than family, and want privacy. Some cope through talking, music, art or writing. Others may pull away or take risks, which is a sign they need more support.
What helps
- Be a calm companion rather than directing their grief
- Let a school counselor know, so teachers understand
- Watch for drinking, drug use or risky behavior, and reach out gently if you see it
Read more
Young siblings lose their brother or sister and, for a while, may lose some of their parents’ attention too. They may try to be “extra good,” or feel they must make up for the child who died.
What helps
- Ask a trusted relative or family friend to spend regular time with them
- Remind them they are loved for who they are, not as a replacement
- Include them in rituals, like choosing a photo or song for the service
Losing a sibling as an adult
Grief that others may underestimate, at any stage of life.
Adult siblings often live apart and have their own families. People may assume the loss is smaller. But research shows sibling loss in adulthood can affect health for years, so your grief deserves attention.
Read more
Younger bereaved people often struggle more after a loss than older people do. You may be juggling a new career, relationships or young children while grieving.
What can help
- A grief group for young adults, or an online group for siblings
- Telling your manager what you need, even if leave policies are short
- Leaning on friends who knew your sibling
Read more
You may be supporting aging parents, teenagers or grandchildren at the same time. Some people suddenly become the only adult child left to care for their parents.
What can help
- Ask for help with practical tasks, so you have room to grieve
- Share caregiving duties with cousins, partners or friends
- Notice your own health. Book the check-up you keep putting off
Read more
You may become an important link to your sibling for their children. Relationships with their partner can grow closer or more strained.
Ideas
- Share stories about their parent with nieces and nephews, when they are ready
- Agree together on how to mark birthdays
- Be patient if their partner grieves differently than you do
Read more
If you spent years worrying about or caring for your sibling, you may feel exhausted, relieved, guilty and heartbroken all at once. Those feelings can live side by side.
Your place in the family changes
Birth order, family roles and “Do you have siblings?”
Losing a sibling can shake your sense of who you are. The big sister may wonder if she is still a big sister. A middle child may suddenly become the oldest. Someone may become an only child overnight.
Read more
This question can catch you off guard. You can include your sibling, always. You can also give a short answer to a stranger and a fuller one to a friend. Your answer can change from day to day.
Answers some people use
- “I have two brothers. One died a few years ago.”
- “I had a sister. She died last year.”
- “There were three of us.”
Read more
Twins and siblings close in age often shared friends, classes and milestones. Birthdays and “firsts” can be especially hard, because they were shared.
Ideas
- Decide how you want to spend your shared birthday, and change it if it stops working
- Look for groups for bereaved twins or siblings
- Let yourself build an identity that honors them and is still your own
Read more
Siblings may feel pressure to look after their parents, be strong for everyone, or fill the gap their brother or sister left.
What can help
- Say out loud which roles you can take on, and which you can’t
- Remember that you don’t have to become your sibling
- Talk with your parents about expectations, when everyone has the energy
Guilt, rivalry and mixed feelings
Old arguments, survivor guilt and feelings that don’t fit neatly.
Few sibling relationships are simple. Most include love and competition, closeness and distance. After a death, all of it can come rushing back.
Read more
You may replay arguments or times you were jealous. Rivalry is a normal part of growing up with siblings. It does not cancel out the love between you.
Ideas
- Write your sibling a letter saying what you wish you had said
- Remember the good moments alongside the hard ones
- Talk it through with a counselor if the guilt stays heavy
Read more
Many siblings feel guilty for being the one still alive, or for enjoying life again. Older children can feel this too, especially after the death of a sibling.
Read more
If you weren’t speaking, you may grieve both your sibling and the chance to repair things. Others may not expect you to be sad. Your grief still counts.
What can help
- A ritual of your own, if attending family events feels hard
- Writing about what you hoped for
- A counselor who understands complicated family relationships
Read more
After a long illness, addiction or years of crisis, relief is a common and human feeling. It can sit right next to deep sadness. Feeling relief does not mean you loved them less.
Grieving alongside your parents
Supporting them without losing yourself.
Watching your parents grieve a child is its own kind of pain. You may want to protect them, hide your own tears, or feel their grief takes up all the room in the family.
What can help
- Ask a relative or friend to check on your parents too, so it isn’t all on you
- Find support that is just for you, like a sibling group or counselor
- If you are young, find a trusted adult outside your home to talk to
- Let your parents know you are grieving too, in words that feel safe
- Remember that family members often grieve in different ways and at different times
Keeping the bond
Ways to keep your brother or sister part of your life.
Grief does not mean letting go of the person. Many people stay connected to the sibling who died through stories, traditions and the way they live.
Read more
Ideas
- Cook their favorite meal or visit their favorite place
- Do something kind in their name
- Spend the day with someone who knew them
- Take the day off, if you can
Read more
Ideas
- Keep one of their things where you can see it
- Listen to music they loved
- Say their name out loud in conversation
- Wear something of theirs on important days
Read more
Ideas
- Learn a skill or hobby they enjoyed
- Support a cause they cared about
- Tell their children, or yours, stories about them
- Plant something that grows each year
How to support a grieving sibling
Simple things that help someone whose brother or sister died.
Ways to help
- Ask them directly: “How are you doing? Not your parents. You.”
- Say their sibling’s name and share a memory if you have one.
- Offer practical help, like meals, rides or covering a shift.
- Remember the birthday and the anniversary, and send a message.
- Keep checking in after the first few weeks, when support often fades.
Try to avoid
- “At least you have other siblings.”
- “Be strong for your parents.”
- “You weren’t that close, were you?”
- Only asking how the rest of the family is coping
Communities help too. Schools, teams, faith groups and workplaces can mark the loss, give flexibility, and include siblings in remembrance events. The Supporting someone who is grieving guide has more ideas.
When and where to get help
Signs it may be time for more support, and where to find it.
Reach out for extra support if
- A child or teen seems stuck in fear, guilt or anger, or starts taking risks
- Grief stays so intense for a long time that daily life feels impossible
- You are drinking or using drugs to cope
- You feel alone with it, with no one to talk to
- You have thoughts of not wanting to live, or of joining your sibling
Lack of social support makes coping with a loss harder. Reaching out is a strong and healthy step.
Read more
The Compassionate Friends welcomes adult siblings at chapter meetings, and some chapters have sibling groups for ages 14 and up. Call the national office at 877-969-0010 for free resources and a referral to a local chapter.
Read more
Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.
Text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Text Line counselor.
Read more
Grief counselors, hospice grief programs and children’s grief centers can help siblings of any age. Your clinical provider, school counselor or employee assistance program can help you find one.
Read more
findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country. If you are in danger, call your local emergency number.
📝 Worksheets for this guide
Fill these in privately in the app. Your answers stay on your phone.
Sources
- The Compassionate Friends. Siblings
- 211 LifeLine. Compassionate Friends National Office (service listing)
- Judi’s House / JAG Institute (2026). Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model (CBEM): 2026 National Highlights
- American Journal of Epidemiology (peer-reviewed) (2012). The Forgotten Griever: A Nationwide Follow-up Study of Mortality Subsequent to the Death of a Sibling (Rostila M, Saarela J, Kawachi I; American Journal of Epidemiology 176(4):338–46)
- European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (via PubMed Central) (2019). Experience of sibling death in childhood and risk of psychiatric care in adulthood: a national cohort study from Sweden (Rostila M, Berg L, Saarela J, Kawachi I, Hjern A)
- National Cancer Institute (NCI), National Institutes of Health. Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ®) – Patient Version
- Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families. How to Help a Grieving Child
- Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families. How to Help a Teen Who is Grieving
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Crisis Text Line (resource listing)
- ThroughLine. Find A Helpline
- International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP). If you’re in crisis, help is available right now (Find A Helpline partnership)
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
