Stillbirth: when your baby dies before birth

Some parents feel frozen, some cry, some go into practical mode. Many don’t remember much of what was said. That is normal.

It may help to

• Ask for things to be explained again, slowly
• Ask someone to come and be with you
• Ask for written information to read later
• Let the care team know you need a moment

You may have noticed fewer movements, or just felt that something was wrong. Afterwards, “what if I had gone in sooner” thoughts are very common. They come from love, not from failure.

Things some parents ask for

• A birth partner or support person with you the whole time
• A room away from the sounds of other babies, if possible
• A sign on the door so staff know
• Time to decide things, without rushing
• Your faith or cultural needs to be respected

Feelings of guilt, anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress are common after a stillbirth.

The Hard or frightening births guide has more on trauma after a birth.

You can take photographs and collect mementos. If you’re unsure, hospitals can often store them with your records for later.

Ideas

• A blanket or outfit
• A hospital bracelet
• A lock of hair
• Hand and foot prints
• Ultrasound pictures

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is a nonprofit with volunteer photographers who give bereaved parents free, gently retouched portraits of their baby. Hospitals can arrange a session. Website: nowilaymedowntosleep.org.

Some parents name their baby, bathe or dress them, read to them, or have family meet them. Some invite a faith leader for a blessing. Do only what feels right for you.

There is usually a follow-up appointment a few weeks later to check your health, go over test results and talk about future pregnancies.

Feelings of guilt are common after a stillbirth. Guilt is a sign of how much you love your baby, not proof that you did something wrong.

Things that may help

• Ask your care team directly what is and isn’t known
• Write the “what if” thoughts down, then write what you would say to a friend
• Talk with other parents who have lived through it
• See a counselor if the guilt keeps returning

Stillbirth is more common among Black families in the U.S. The CDC says this is not due to biology, and researchers are looking at factors like access to quality care.

If you felt unheard in your care, those feelings are valid. You can ask questions, ask for records, and ask for a different provider next time.

Your body may start making milk after the birth, which can be distressing. Some parents let it dry up naturally.

Gentle care

• Accept help with meals, chores and errands
• Keep your postpartum check-up
• Rest whenever you can
• Tell your provider about pain, fever or anything that worries you

Grief can affect the body too, leaving you run down or getting sick more easily.

Many U.S. states let parents request a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth from the state vital records office. It is a commemorative record, and the process and fee vary by state.

A funeral or memorial can give you a chance to say goodbye and share your grief with family and friends.

Hospital staff can explain your choices and help with paperwork. Some families choose a small private service, and some choose a later memorial. There is no wrong way.

Under the U.S. Pregnant Workers Fairness Act, employers with 15 or more workers may need to allow changes such as leave to recover from childbirth, unless it causes undue hardship.

Baby aisles, parks, the hospital, or seeing someone who was pregnant at the same time can bring grief rushing back. Avoiding some places for a while is understandable.

If avoiding things starts to shrink your life, a counselor can help you take small steps back at your own pace.

You can honour your baby on special days, like the due date or the day they were born, alone or with others.

One partner may want to talk often, while the other prefers to grieve alone or throws themselves into work. Patience and open conversation help.

The Partners and dads after pregnancy or baby loss guide goes deeper.

Examples

• “The baby died before being born. The baby’s body stopped working.”
• “It wasn’t anyone’s fault, and it wasn’t because of anything you thought or did.”
• “We are very sad, and it’s okay for you to feel sad, angry or confused too.”

A grief counselor or a children’s bereavement group can also help.

Ideas

• Drawing a picture or writing a note for the baby
• Helping choose something for a memory box
• Lighting a candle together on special days

Star Legacy Foundation works on stillbirth research, education and family support. It offers online support groups, peer companions and resources for families after loss and in a pregnancy after loss. Website: starlegacyfoundation.org.

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support offers groups, peer companions and phone and email support. Call 1-800-821-6819.

The MISS Foundation offers ongoing support for grieving families, including local support groups and online forums. Website: missfoundation.org.

Things that help

• Bring food, or offer to help with specific tasks
• Remember the baby’s birthday
• Say “I’m so sorry” and listen
• Use the baby’s name

Try not to say

• “At least you can have another.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “It wasn’t meant to be.”