Losing a parent

About 1 in 11 children in the U.S. will have a parent or sibling die by age 18.

Children often revisit the loss at new ages and milestones, like starting school, a graduation or becoming a parent themselves. That is normal, not a setback.

Teens may hide grief from friends, take on adult jobs at home, or feel different from everyone at school. Some throw themselves into activities. Others pull away.

What can help

• A peer grief group, where others have lost a parent too
• Keeping something of your parent close, like a hoodie or a playlist
• One trusted adult to talk to, at home or school
• Permission to still have fun and be a teenager

A study of 2,760 adults in Germany found that people who lost a parent in younger adulthood had steeper drops in life satisfaction. Daughters who lost their mothers early had not fully recovered even several years later.

Friends may not understand yet. You may also be missing your parent at big “firsts”: a first job, a wedding, a first home or a first baby.

In mid-life, you may be grieving while raising kids, working, and caring for your other parent. People may expect you to “get on with it” quickly because it was “the natural order”.

What can help

• Check in on your surviving parent, and get support for yourself too
• Let your children see some of your grief, in a way that fits their age
• Share tasks with siblings rather than doing it all
• Take the leave you are offered, and ask for more if you need it

Some people lose a parent when they are already older adults themselves. Others may say “they had a long life”. That may be true, and it can still hurt deeply, especially if you cared for them for many years.

The person who raised you may not have been your birth parent. Losing a stepparent, grandparent, aunt, foster parent or mentor who filled that role is losing a parent too.

Sometimes others don’t see it that way, and you may get less time off or fewer cards. Your grief is still real.

If possible, the news should come from the person closest to the child, even if that person is grieving too. It is okay to be sad or cry. Tell them as soon as you reasonably can, so they don’t hear it from someone else.

Start with a little information, then follow their questions. Short, simple and direct is best.

Children take words literally. Phrases like “we lost him” or “she’s gone” can leave them confused or scared, or make them think the person will come back.

Children will be curious about how their parent died. Give a brief, honest explanation that fits their age, without troubling details. Add more as they grow and ask.

What you might notice

• Ages 2–4: may not understand death is forever, and may ask the same question again and again. Play is how they grieve.
• Ages 4–7: may think death can be undone, or that they caused it. Drawing, stories and active play help.
• Ages 7–13: begin to understand death is final. They may want details and worry about getting sick.
• Ages 13–18: understand death much like adults. They may lean on friends more than family.

A child may cry one minute and want to play the next. That doesn’t mean they have finished grieving.

After a parent dies, make sure children know they will still be taken care of. Tell them clearly who is looking after them, now and if anything changes.

Keep normal routines as much as you can. Tell teachers, school counselors and coaches what happened.

Schools may only keep a death in mind for a week or two. After losing a parent, a child grieves all year, so you may need to check in and remind them.

Share memories and keep photos around, so children know it is okay to talk about their parent. Still mark birthdays and graduations, even when they feel bittersweet.

Let children choose whether to go to the funeral. Never force them. If they go, tell them what they will see, and bring a trusted adult who can leave with them.

How well a child does after a death is linked to how well the adults around them are doing. This doesn’t mean hiding your grief. It means having people and activities that comfort you too.

After the first parent dies, you may be grieving and also supporting your surviving parent. Their grief may look different from yours, and you may feel you must stay strong for them.

What can help

• Ask siblings or relatives to share check-ins
• Find a grief group or friend just for you
• Let your parent grieve in their own way and time
• Talk about the parent who died together, if you both want to

For many people, parents are “home”, even if you haven’t lived with them for decades. When they are gone, holidays, family gatherings and even where you belong can suddenly feel unclear.

What can help

• Choose where new gatherings will happen, together with siblings
• Keep one family tradition going, even if it is small
• Visit places that held your family’s story, if that brings comfort

Parents often hold family stories: what you were like as a child, where the family came from, the recipes and sayings. When they die, it can feel like part of your history went with them.

What can help

• Ask aunts, uncles and family friends for stories while you can
• Label old photos with names and dates
• Write down your parent’s sayings, recipes and jokes

You may reach for the phone to ask how long to cook something, what to do about a job, or how they got through a hard time, and remember they are not there.

You can still say them. Many people write a letter, speak at the grave, or talk to the person in their mind. It won’t change what happened, but it can ease the weight you carry.

What can help

• Accept that some questions may stay open, and that is okay
• Ask relatives or old friends what they remember
• Look through letters, photos or records, slowly and when you feel ready

If your last words were angry, or you hadn’t spoken in a while, guilt can be heavy. Remember that a relationship is made of years, not one final moment.

Ways to make peace

• Do something kind in their name, as a repair
• Talk it through with a counselor or faith leader
• Write what you would say if you could have one more conversation

When a difficult parent dies, the hope that things might one day change dies too. Many people grieve the loving parent they wished for, as much as the real one.

What can help

• Create a private goodbye that fits what you feel
• Decide for yourself whether to go to the funeral. Either choice can be right
• Have a short answer ready: “It was a complicated relationship.”
• Spend time with people who know your story

Funerals, wills and belongings can bring you back into contact with family members who hurt you. It is okay to keep boundaries, take a support person with you, or let a lawyer or executor handle contact.

Many people find it easier to begin with practical rooms, like the kitchen or garage, and leave photos, letters and keepsakes until they feel ready.

Ideas

• Bring a friend who wasn’t close to your parent, to help with practical choices
• Have boxes for keep, give to family, donate, and “not sure yet”
• Let the “not sure yet” box wait for months if you need
• Set short sessions, with breaks

Work with family members to find the items they wish to keep. The rest can be sold, donated or recycled. Things can have emotional value even if they are not worth money.

Ways to keep it fair

• Ask an appraiser about valuable pieces, so no one guesses
• Digitize photo albums and recipes so everyone can have a copy
• Take turns choosing items
• Talk about meaning, not just money: “Dad’s watch matters to me because…”

Scanning services can turn boxes of photos, papers and documents into digital files that take up no space.

Ideas

• A memory box for the things you can’t yet decide about
• A shirt made into a cushion or quilt
• One mug, tool or piece of jewelry you use every day
• Their handwriting framed, from a card or recipe

Ways to include them

• An empty chair, a photo or a flower at the event
• Saying their name in a toast or speech
• Telling your child about the grandparent they never met
• Wearing something of theirs

Ideas

• Do something they loved, or cook their recipe
• Mute social media for the day
• Spend it with a sibling or someone who knew them
• Unsubscribe from Mother’s or Father’s Day emails ahead of time, if the shop lets you

In the first year, people often check in. After that, support can fade, even if your grief hasn’t. It is okay to tell people that you still need them.

Losing a parent can make you suddenly aware of your own age and health. Some people feel anxious. Others feel moved to make changes they have put off.

Turning worry into action

• Book a health check you have been putting off
• Make or update your own will and advance care plan
• Tell your loved ones what matters to you

Families often had a parent at the center. Without them, siblings and cousins may drift. It can help to talk openly about who will do what now, rather than one person taking it all on.

Ideas

• Cook their recipes together
• Make a family tree or photo book
• Pass on a value they lived by
• Tell your children or nieces and nephews stories about your parent

Put the dates in your calendar. A simple text, “Thinking of you and your dad today”, can mean the world, years later.

Things that help

• “I miss her too.”
• “I was thinking about your mom’s laugh today.”
• “What was your dad like when you were little?”

Offers that help

• A meal on a day when they are sorting the house
• Driving them to appointments with lawyers or the bank
• Helping pack, sort or carry boxes, without rushing them
• Picking up their children from school

Teachers, counselors and coaches can watch for signs a child is struggling, like trouble concentrating, pulling away from friends, or headaches and stomachaches. They can let the family know and help find support.

Keep checking in all year. A child who lost a parent is still grieving long after others have moved on.

Try not to say

• “At least they’re not suffering.” (unless the person says it first)
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “They had a good long life.” (unless the person says it first)
• “You must be used to it by now.”

Instead, try: “I’m so sorry. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

The Dougy Center offers peer grief support, free tip sheets and toolkits for kids, teens, young adults and parents, and a worldwide directory to find grief groups near you. Visit dougy.org.

If your parent was in hospice or hospital care, ask whether they run grief groups or counseling for families. Faith communities and community centers often run groups too.

An estimated 4% to 15% of bereaved adults have grief that stays intense and disabling for a long time. Talking therapies have been shown to help adults, children and teens.

After a parent’s death, counseling for a child of any age is often a good idea.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries.

The Dougy Center’s worldwide directory lists grief groups for children and families in many countries.