Grief others don’t see: aunts, uncles, cousins, mentors, exes & online friends

Doka describes one route to unseen grief as a relationship that others don’t recognize or take seriously. Exes, coworkers, online friends and hidden partners often fall here.

Researchers describe a culturally shaped grief hierarchy that tends to put immediate family first. Friends and others can be treated as “secondary mourners”, unsure whether their grief is welcome.

In one study, friends felt this hierarchy in silences, social cues and funeral rituals. When families included them, their grief felt shared. When they were left out, grief often became quieter and more isolated.

The idea has been applied to many people whose grief is often missed, including Black Americans, people with developmental disabilities and the LGBTQ+ community.

Grief after deaths that carry stigma, like suicide or overdose, can also go unseen.

If an aunt, uncle or other relative helped raise you, losing them may feel like losing a parent. It is okay to grieve them that way.

A cousin may have been your first friend and the person who knew your family from the inside. A death at a young age can also bring shock and fear about your own life.

What can help

• Share childhood stories with other cousins
• Ask the family if you can help with the service or a memorial
• Keep a photo or object that holds your memories together

You may be busy caring for a grieving parent or helping with plans. Your own grief can get pushed aside and show up later.

You may grieve their guidance, their belief in you, and the conversations you still hoped to have. You might not have seen them for years, and still feel the loss deeply.

Ways to honor them

• Write to their family about what they meant to you
• Pass on something they taught you
• Mentor someone else in their spirit

Coaches, recovery sponsors, youth leaders and faith leaders can hold a special place in your life. Losing them can shake your sense of support and direction.

You may have spent more waking hours with a coworker than with your family. Yet the workplace may expect you to carry on as normal.

In the U.S., federal law does not require funeral leave. It is usually agreed between employer and employee, so it is worth asking what is possible.

What can help

• Ask if your team can hold a short gathering or memory book
• Talk to an employee assistance program, if your job has one
• Take a quiet moment at their empty desk or locker if you wish

Nurses, care workers, teachers, social workers and others may grieve people they cared for. Often there is no time or space to mourn before the next shift.

Grief after an ex dies may not look the way you expect. One writer described shock and irritation instead of tears, and feeling unsure because the relationship had never been resolved.

Former in-laws may not reach out, and you may not feel able to attend the service. Being left out of the story of their life can feel like being erased.

Your own ways to say goodbye

• Visit the grave or a special place on your own
• Write the obituary you would have written
• Write a letter to them, saying what was left unsaid

If you had children together, you may be helping them grieve their parent while sorting out your own feelings. Let them love and miss their parent openly, whatever your history.

If you lost a chosen sibling, parent figure or best friend, others may not understand how big the loss is. Legal family may make the decisions and plan a service that doesn’t reflect the person you knew.

What can help

• Hold your own memorial with people who knew the real them
• Find LGBTQ+ friendly grief groups or counselors
• Keep photos, stories and messages that show who they were to you

If a relationship was private, not out, or not accepted by family, you may have to grieve in silence. You may even be left out of the funeral.

In many cultures and faiths, godparents, close family friends and neighbors are treated as family. Mourning customs can welcome them, or leave them out.

It is okay to ask a family or faith leader how you can take part in the mourning customs, or to create a quiet ritual of your own.

You may learn about a death from a post, a group chat or a long silence. Sometimes you never find out what happened. That not-knowing can make grief harder.

Social media has become a common place to mourn. A review of 25 studies found that the unwritten rules for grieving online are still changing, and often adapt traditional mourning customs.

Ideas

• Write a message on their memorial page or in your shared server
• Save your chats, screenshots or voice clips
• Hold an online gathering with your shared friends
• Play their favorite game or song in their memory

People offline may not understand. You might not feel able to take time off or explain why you are so sad.

You may grieve the person, and also the younger you who loved their music, books or games. It can bring back other losses too.

Ways to remember

• Listen, watch or read their work with friends
• Write down what they meant to you
• Support a cause they cared about

People often see famous figures as invincible, so a sudden death can be a jolt that death comes to everyone.

Naming the loss to yourself, and to one person who understands, can make it feel more real and less lonely.

Ideas

• A letter saying what you didn’t get to say
• A list of things they taught you
• A short tribute shared with people who knew them

Ideas

• Light a candle on their birthday
• Plant something in their memory
• Visit a place you shared
• Cook a dish they loved
• Follow a mourning or prayer custom from your faith or culture

Other cousins, coworkers, teammates or online friends may be feeling the same quiet grief. A small gathering, call or group chat can make it feel shared.

A grief counselor or therapist can help with any loss, including ones others overlook. Your clinical provider can help you find one. Many hospices also run grief groups open to the community.

Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, free and confidential, 24/7.

Text HOME to 741741 to reach a trained Crisis Text Line counselor, 24/7.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country. If you are in danger, call your local emergency number.