Ways to honour someone you’ve lost

Grief researcher J. William Worden describes one task of mourning as finding an enduring connection with the person who died while starting a new life. Remembrance rituals and keeping personal items are ways people do this.

Research found that rituals can ease grief, partly because they give back a sense of control. This was true even for people who said they didn’t believe in rituals.

Finding meaning in a loss is seen as part of adapting to it. People do this by building a memorial, supporting a cause, or giving time to something the person cared about.

A memory box, a tree or a favourite recipe gives your feelings a home. You can return to it when you want to, and step away when you need to.

Cooking their recipe can be a mindful way to feel close to them. The smells and the steps may bring back memories of being in the kitchen together.

Their most-loved recipes are one of the keepsakes grief charities suggest saving.

What to include

• A photo of them cooking, or of the finished dish
• A scan of their handwriting on a recipe card
• A short memory for each recipe
• Little tips they always gave
• Who they made it for, and when

Ideas

• Ask relatives and friends what they remember about the dish
• Cook it together and adjust until it “tastes right”
• Look for old shopping lists or notes in their handwriting
• Write it down this time, for the next generation

Talking with people who knew them can also bring new stories you never heard.

Sharing a meal is one of the ideas grief charities suggest for a birthday or anniversary.

Making one

1. Choose a form: a box, jar, drawer or online space. Decorate it if you like.
2. Decide what feels meaningful. You don’t need to fill it all at once.
3. Keep it somewhere you can reach when you need it.

Ideas for what goes inside

• Cards and letters they wrote
• Letters you write to them
• Photos, tickets and small souvenirs
• Something they used every day, like a pen, mug or glasses case
• Their favourite album, book or film

Some families create a corner with photos, cards and mementos of the person.

Ideas

• A corkboard where family can pin notes and pictures
• A digital photo frame that cycles through memories
• A shelf with a photo, a candle and one of their things

A photo collage is a simple way to keep someone’s memory alive. You could also put video clips together, with their favourite music, into a film you can watch again.

Some families wrap a box with a slot for written memories, then open it together on a special day. Writing memories on strips of paper and linking them into a paper chain is another idea.

Ideas

• Ask family and friends for songs that remind them of the person
• Collect songs from the funeral or memorial
• Include songs from big moments you shared
• Play it on their birthday or on a long drive

Learning to play one of their favourite songs on an instrument can be a mindful way to think about them.

Watching their favourite film or reading a book they loved can remind you of their interests and humour.

Music can bring grief rushing back without warning. If a song is too painful today, skipping it is fine. Many people find the same song comforting later on.

Ideas

• A small object of theirs in your bag or pocket
• Their ring on a chain
• Their scarf, hat or tie on special days
• Their watch, or keys on your keyring

Jewellery and everyday things like a wallet or handbag are among the keepsakes grief charities suggest keeping.

Some people wear the person’s usual scent on hard dates, to feel near them.

Turning their clothes or belongings into something new, such as a quilt, cushions or a teddy bear, can be hugely meaningful.

Having a cherished item like a ring, a teddy bear or a piece of clothing repaired or restored is another way to honour someone.

Losing a memorial or keepsake can feel like losing the person again, so it is worth keeping special items safe and making copies of photos and voice messages.

Ideas

• Hang the decoration they always hung
• Keep the Sunday phone call, with a sibling or friend
• Make the toast they always made
• Take the walk they took every spring

Families may keep traditions the same, change them, or land somewhere in between. Each choice is okay.

Holding an event in someone’s honour, such as a yearly day on their birthday, is a way to remember them together. In Mexico’s Day of the Dead, for example, families decorate altars with photos and favourite foods.

Ideas

• A football match
• A party or afternoon tea in their honour
• A shared meal
• A walk, a climb or a swim

Ideas

• Make a memory book for grandchildren who never met them
• Pass on a name, a skill or a family custom
• Teach a child their recipe, song or saying
• Tell children stories about the person

Many people find meaning by letting the person shape how they live, and passing on what they cared about.

Many faiths and cultures remember the dead through prayers, candles, services and memorial days. For many people, faith communities offer comfort, meaning and practical support.

Faith guides in the app

• Christian grief & mourning traditions
• Grief & mourning in Islam: janazah, iddah & community care
• Hindu grief & mourning: rituals that hold you
• Impermanence, loss & grief: Buddhist wisdom for mourning
• Jewish mourning traditions & healing from grief
• Sikh grief & mourning: rites, sangat & healing

Ideas

• A donation instead of flowers at the funeral
• A gift on their birthday each year
• A gift they would have liked, bought and given to someone in need
• An online dedication page, with a message or photo

Grief charities suggest doing something in a loved one’s memory, like a half marathon, a mountain climb or a cold-water swim, and raising money for a cause along the way.

Giving time or resources to something the person cared about is one way people make meaning after a loss. Donating to charity, giving blood or helping others are all ideas grief experts suggest for hard dates.

Some families create a memorial, such as a scholarship fund, as a way of making meaning from their loss.

Some people turn their grief into advocacy, working on a cause linked to the loss. Supporting a group like Mothers Against Drunk Driving is one example grief researchers give.

Ideas

• Do one kind act in their name each month
• Pay for a stranger’s coffee, the way they used to
• Use their saying or joke, and pass it on
• Visit someone lonely, as they would have

Carrying forward what someone cared about is one of the deepest ways to keep a bond.

A memorial tree gives you a living place to return to.

Where you might plant one

• At a school, church, temple or club they loved
• In a local park, through the parks department
• In your own garden or a family member’s
• Through a forestry or tree-planting charity

Ideas

• A pot of their favourite flower on your windowsill
• Bulbs that bloom around their birthday
• Cuttings from a plant they kept
• Herbs from the recipes they cooked

Dedicating a bench gives you and others a place to pause and remember.

Visiting a park, walk or restaurant that was special to them, regularly or on special days, can help you feel connected. If you can’t go yet, make a list of places to visit later.

Questions you could ask

• “How did you first meet?”
• “What did they teach you?”
• “What made them laugh?”
• “What’s your favourite story about them?”

Writing letters to the person can help you work through mixed feelings, organise your memories and feel connected.

Online memorial pages can let people keep sharing stories and photos over time.

For many people, faith communities and grief support groups offer comfort, meaning and practical support.

Ways to help a grieving friend

• Join in their memorial event, run or meal
• Put their loved one’s birthday in your calendar
• Say the person’s name, and share a memory
• Send a photo of the person they may not have seen

Rituals of remembrance need to fit the relationship and your needs. You might choose to honour only one part of who they were, or simply honour your own healing.

Ideas

• Agree to revisit big decisions after a while
• Choose a few shared rituals and a few private ones
• Let each person keep one special item
• Share copies of photos, so no one has to “win” the originals

People grieve in different ways, and that is normal.

Free ideas

• Cook their recipe with what you have
• Light a candle and say their name
• Visit their favourite place
• Write them a letter

Reach out if

• Months after the loss, you spend most of each day focused on the person
• You can’t take part in your own life
• You feel you must keep their things exactly as they were, and it stops you living
• You wish you could join them, or have thoughts of dying