Parenting from prison: visits, calls & staying close

Many parents inside carry heavy guilt about the hurt their absence causes. Some think their kids are better off without them. Those feelings are understandable, but staying in steady, gentle contact is usually a gift to a child.

What can help

• Separate guilt (“I did something wrong”) from shame (“I am bad”)
• Talk with a counselor, chaplain or parenting group
• Turn guilt into action: one letter, one call, one kind word at a time

You may not be able to attend games, birthdays or school plays. You can still ask about them, remember the details and cheer from a distance. Children notice when you remember.

Ideas

• Ask about one specific thing each time: a friend, a test, a game
• Keep a little notebook of their news so you remember next time
• Send a card for every birthday and holiday you can

“When a loved one is incarcerated” is written for the family outside. “When your parent is in prison (for kids & teens)” is written to children directly, so you can share it with them. “Staying well inside: mental health care, routines & hope” is about looking after your own mind.

Children get confused when adults tell different versions. If you can, agree with the caregiver on a short, honest explanation that you both use.

A simple story often includes

• Where you are, in plain words: “a place called prison”
• That you are safe and have food and a bed
• That it is not their fault
• That you love them and think about them every day

Older children and teens may be angry or hurt. A short, sincere apology without excuses can open the door: “I made choices that hurt our family. I’m sorry. I’m working on doing better.”

It is natural to want to say “I’ll be home soon.” But dates change, and broken promises can hurt trust. It is kinder to say, “I don’t know exactly when, but I’ll tell you as soon as I know.”

Very young children won’t understand prison, but they notice change. Your voice, a photo and a familiar song can help them know you.

Ideas

• Ask the caregiver to show your photo and say “That’s Daddy” or “That’s Mommy”
• Record a song or story if your facility allows it
• Sing the same short song on every call or visit

Young children may think they caused it, or that you left because you didn’t love them. They need the same few true sentences, many times.

Words you could use

• “I’m in a place called prison. Grown-ups made a rule that I have to stay here for a while.”
• “It is not your fault.”
• “I love you, and I think about you every day.”

Children this age may ask why, how long, and what it’s like inside. They may worry about you or feel embarrassed at school.

Ideas

• Answer what they ask, simply, without extra detail
• Describe your day: meals, work, the library
• Ask, “What do you wonder about?” and “What do you tell your friends?”
• Let them know mixed feelings about you are okay

Teens may be angry, act like they don’t care, or take on adult worries. They often want honesty and to be treated with respect.

Ideas

• Ask about their world: music, friends, sports, plans
• Don’t pressure them to visit or call. Leave the door open
• Listen more than you advise
• Own your part without long explanations

Adult children may have their own families, busy lives and strong feelings about the past. Some want to reconnect; some need time.

Ideas

• Ask how they would like to stay in touch
• Ask about their life, work and children
• Respect their boundaries and pace
• Take responsibility without asking them to take care of you

Ideas

• Ask the caregiver what is new: school, friends, worries
• Check the visiting rules so the family arrives prepared
• Plan a few questions and one simple game
• Think about how you will say goodbye

Ideas

• Let your child lead: follow what they want to talk about
• Notice and praise effort: “You worked so hard on that”
• Play simple games like I Spy, rock-paper-scissors or 20 questions
• Read a book together if the visiting room has one

Goodbyes are often the hardest moment. A short, predictable ritual can help: the same hug, the same words, the same promise to write.

Ideas

• “I love you to the moon and back. I’ll write on Monday.”
• Avoid long, drawn-out goodbyes
• Remind them when the next call or visit is, if you know

Security checks, guards, glass and rules about touching can be confusing or scary. Ask the caregiver to explain these ahead of time, and explain them yourself in simple words.

Ideas

• “The glass is a rule here. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to hug you.”
• Place your hand on the glass and let them match it
• Praise them for being brave

Ideas

• Ask them to show you a drawing, a pet or their room
• Make faces, sing a song or play “Simon says”
• Read a story while they hold the same book
• Keep it short for little ones: a few happy minutes beats a long, restless call

Ideas

• Call at the same time each week if you can, so they can count on it
• Ask open questions: “What was the best part of your week?”
• Keep a list of things to ask and share
• End with the same words each time

Calls and video visits can be expensive for families. Talk honestly with the caregiver about what you can both manage, and mix in letters and drawings, which can be cheaper and can be read again and again.

In programs like the Storybook Project run by Lutheran Social Services of Illinois, a volunteer records a parent reading a children’s book, and the recording and the book are mailed to the child at no cost to the family.

In a Wisconsin program called Making Reading Memories, 90% of caregivers surveyed agreed that the recorded books helped keep the connection between the child and the parent in jail.

Ideas

• A drawing, maze or puzzle you made
• A story told in parts, one chapter per letter
• Questions they can answer in their next letter
• Something you remember about them as a baby
• What you are learning or reading

Sesame Workshop suggests giving a child a box to decorate where they can keep letters and keepsakes from their parent. Ask the caregiver if they can help your child make one.

Sesame Workshop also suggests finding routines a parent and child can share. You could both read the same book, watch the same game, or look at the moon on the same night and write about it.

Ideas

• Thank them often, out loud and in writing
• Respect their house rules, even if you would do it differently
• Ask, “How can I help from here?”
• Back them up when you talk with your child

Ideas

• Talk about disagreements in a separate call or letter, not in front of your child
• Use “I” statements: “I feel worried when…”
• Focus on what your child needs, not on who is right
• Ask a counselor or family mediator to help if things stay stuck

If you and the other parent have split up, there may be anger or hurt on both sides. Try to keep your messages short, polite and about the child.

If there was violence or abuse at home, or contact is upsetting a child, the caregiver may limit contact for now. That can be painful. The best thing you can do is respect it, work on yourself and ask legal aid about your options.

What can help

• Write down one good moment from the visit
• Move your body: a walk in the yard or stretching
• Talk with a trusted peer, chaplain or counselor
• Plan your next letter right away

Ideas

• Send a card ahead of time
• Ask for photos and write back about each one
• Write a letter they can open on the day
• Ask them to tell you every detail on the next call

Some children, especially teens, need a break or are angry. Pushing can make it worse. You can keep writing short, warm notes that ask for nothing back.

Ideas

• “I’m here whenever you want to talk. No pressure.”
• Ask the caregiver how they are doing
• Get support for your own grief

Guilt, grief and worry can wear you down. Looking after your mind helps you stay steady for your children. The “Staying well inside: mental health care, routines & hope” guide has ideas.

Parenting classes can teach skills like talking with kids at different ages and handling big feelings. Groups also give you a place to share the pain of being apart with other parents.

Ask about

• Fatherhood or motherhood groups
• Parenting classes or child development courses
• Recorded story or reading programs
• Special family visit days

Youth.gov notes that some incarcerated parents risk losing their parental rights when their children have been in foster care for a long time. Rules differ from state to state.

General steps that may help

• Ask legal aid or your lawyer about your options
• Keep copies of letters and records of contact with your child
• Stay in touch with the caseworker and ask to take part in planning

Questions about custody, visitation or child support can feel overwhelming. The Legal Services Corporation’s website has a tool to find free civil legal aid that serves your family’s area.

The United Nations’ Nelson Mandela Rules say people in prison should be allowed to keep in touch with family by letters, other means and visits, and that special attention should be paid to keeping family relationships that are good for both sides.