Talking with Black children about race & racism

A 2020 review of 102 studies found that teaching children about their culture and heritage was linked with better self-image, better relationships and fewer behaviour problems.

In the Gallup and UNC survey, researchers noted that talking with young children about the strengths of their race may support a positive racial identity.

Researchers call honest talk about unfair treatment “preparation for bias”. It works best when it comes with love, pride and a plan, not only warnings.

Psychologists Riana Elyse Anderson and Howard Stevenson describe talking about race as a skill that parents and children can practise together. With practice, both feel more confident when a hard moment comes.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says open talks make you someone your child feels comfortable bringing questions to.

If you grew up in a home where race, money or feelings weren’t discussed, these talks may feel new. That’s okay. You’re building something for the next generation.

A family whose roots go back generations in the U.S. and a family who arrived from Ghana, Haiti or the Dominican Republic may talk about race very differently. Mixed families and adoptive families have their own stories too.

The review called these “regulatory” strategies: teaching children how to behave and stay calm so a tense situation is less likely to become dangerous.

The review called these “consciousness raising” strategies: teaching children about race, racism and history so unfair treatment makes sense and doesn’t feel personal.

Some parents also engage with schools, community groups or local officials to make their child’s world safer. The review called these “system-engaged” strategies.

Many parents described relying on faith and prayer for the parts of their child’s safety that are beyond anyone’s control.

For many families, faith is a deep source of peace and courage, and it can sit alongside every other step you take.

The AAP suggests answering preschoolers’ questions about skin tone in a warm, positive way, and comparing visible differences within your own family, like holding your arm next to your child’s.

Ideas

• Name shades with love: “cocoa”, “honey”, “deep brown”
• Praise hair in all its textures and styles
• Say out loud what you love about how they look

• Books with Black children as the main character
• Dolls and toys in many skin tones
• Shows where Black families are happy and loved
• Pictures of family and heroes on the walls

• “That’s not fair.”
• “Everyone deserves to be treated kindly.”
• “If someone is mean about your skin or hair, tell me or your teacher.”

Share short, happy stories: where Grandpa grew up, a family recipe, a song Auntie sings. These build a sense of belonging long before a child understands race.

When your child brings up race, the AAP suggests asking how they feel and why they think what they do, so you understand their view before you respond.

Openers

• “Has anyone said something about your skin or hair?”
• “Did anything feel unfair at school this week?”
• “What did you notice about who the heroes were in that show?”

Children this age can learn that slavery and segregation were real and wrong. Pair each hard truth with the people who resisted, built, invented, sang, preached and won rights for others.

Ways in

• Children’s books about Black history and inventors
• Museums, heritage sites and cultural festivals
• Stories from your own family’s history
• Celebrations like Juneteenth and Black History Month

The AAP encourages parents to point out stereotypes and biased portrayals in shows and books, such as villains coded by race, and to talk about them together.

Anderson and Stevenson suggest that racial coping skills grow with practice, the same way a child practises for a game or a recital.

Try a short role-play

1. Pick a likely moment, like a classmate touching their hair
2. Let your child choose a response: walk away, say “Please don’t”, or tell an adult
3. Switch roles so they can try it a few ways
4. End with praise and something fun

• Talk side by side: in the car, cooking, on a walk
• Share your own experiences honestly
• Let them disagree with you
• Ask what their friends are saying

A study of Black and Latino teens found that older Black teens and those who spend more time online were at greatest risk for poor wellbeing linked to online racism.

Many parents have this talk as children start going out on their own, getting phones or learning to drive. Keep it practical and calm, and remind them you’re always there to help.

Many teens feel angry about unfairness. Their anger makes sense. Volunteering, joining a club, creating art or writing can turn it into something meaningful.

“No. Your skin is beautiful, and so is everyone’s in our family. Some people learned wrong ideas about skin colour. Those ideas are mistakes, and they are not about you.”

“A long time ago, some people made up unfair ideas to treat Black people badly. Some people still believe those ideas. That is called racism. It’s wrong, and lots of people of every colour work to stop it.”

“You are safe with me, and lots of grown-ups work to keep you safe. If you ever feel scared, you can always tell me.” For older children, add the practical steps your family uses.

“No. People are individuals. Some people of any colour can be unfair, and many people of every colour stand up against racism. Racism is also about unfair rules and systems, not only about mean people.”

Ask what they saw and how they feel first. Keep answers short and true. Remind them they are safe and loved, and talk about the people working to make things better.

• What was said or done, in your child’s words
• Date, time and place
• Who was involved and who saw it
• Any messages, photos or screenshots
• Who you told at school, and when

1. Ask for a meeting with the teacher, counselor or principal
2. Bring your notes and a support person if you like
3. Say what happened and how it affected your child
4. Ask what the school will do, and by when
5. Follow up in writing and keep copies

Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 prohibits race discrimination by schools that receive federal funds. The U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights accepts complaints, generally within 180 days of the incident.

Anyone can file a complaint for a student, and you don’t have to use the school’s own process first.

Some children seem fine at first, then start avoiding school, having stomachaches, sleeping badly or getting angry more easily. Keep checking in gently.

Children need to know that being Black is not only about struggle. It is also about creativity, love, faith, humour, food, music and a long history of making a way.

Everyday joy

• Cook a family recipe together
• Dance to music from your culture
• Go to a festival, church event or family reunion
• Watch films and read books by Black creators

Wanting to protect your child is love. Adding hope, pride and a plan to your warnings gives them more to stand on than fear alone.

Your child deserves days that are just about play, friends and silly jokes. Making space for ordinary fun is also a way of protecting them.

Ask elders to share how they faced hard times and what kept them going. Hearing about survival and success from family makes history real and personal.

Churches, mosques and other faith homes can offer youth groups, mentors, choirs and a steady sense of meaning when the world feels unfair.

Places to look

• Black fraternities, sororities and civic groups
• Community centres and after-school programs
• Faith youth groups
• Sports, arts and music programs

EmbraceRace supports parents, caregivers and educators of children from birth through middle school with guides, webinars and community.

The American Psychological Association’s RESilience initiative shares free tips for parents on racial stress, identity and talking about race.

The AAKOMA Project, founded by psychologist Dr. Alfiee Breland-Noble, focuses on the mental health of youth and young adults of color and their families.