Helping a child with selective mutism at home & school

Tell your child you know speaking can feel really hard sometimes, and that it will get easier. Hearing this can be a huge relief.

You might say

• “It’s OK. Your words will come when you’re ready.”
• “Sometimes talking feels scary. We’ll practise little by little.”
• “You can point or nod for now.”

Accept nonverbal communication, like smiling, waving, nodding and pointing. It keeps your child connected while they build up to speaking.

Try not to show your child that you are anxious about their silence. A calm, matter-of-fact parent helps the child feel that things are under control.

Try

• “Great job telling us you want juice!”
• “I see you’re building a tall tower.”
• “Thanks for showing me.”
• “Would you like apple or banana?”

Naming exactly what your child did well (called labelled praise) shows them which brave step you noticed.

Avoid

• “Say thank you to the lady.”
• “She’s just shy.” (said in front of the child)
• “Why won’t you talk?”
• “You can have ice cream if you say hi.”

Pressuring or bribing a child to talk usually raises their fear. Labels like “shy” can also become part of how a child sees themselves.

Try not to show surprise or make a big fuss when your child speaks in a new place. Respond warmly and naturally, and carry on the conversation.

Save bigger praise for later, in private. A small private reward for a brave step can help too.

You could say

• “He understands everything. Speaking is hard for him right now, so pointing is great.”
• “She’s working on talking. Please don’t ask her to say hi. A wave is perfect.”

Reassuring others that the child understands helps stop people talking down to them or answering for them.

After asking a question, wait about five seconds. Don’t repeat the question, and don’t let someone else answer for your child.

Choice questions give the child the words to use. Try “Would you rather swing or play tag?” instead of a question that can be answered with a nod.

Questions with yes-or-no answers can be answered with a head nod. Choice questions and open questions invite speech instead.

When your child speaks, repeat or rephrase what they said. For example, if they whisper “dog,” you might say, “Yes, a big brown dog!”

When your child isn’t speaking, describe what they’re doing, like “You’re drawing a flower.” It keeps connection warm without any pressure.

Ideas, from easiest

• Let your child point to the menu while you read it out.
• Practise the order at home first.
• Ask a choice question: “Pancakes or waffles?” Then wait.
• Let your child whisper the order to you, and you repeat it to the server.

Pick a step that is a little brave but not overwhelming. Your therapist can help you choose.

Teachers and classmates covering for the child can slow progress. Ask siblings and friends to wait, rather than jump in with the answer.

Adults should avoid speaking for the child or justifying their silences. Instead, give the child a real chance to communicate in whatever way they can right now.

Praise and small rewards for speaking attempts help build confidence. Keep praise specific, and give it privately.

Let your child take small steps at their own pace. If they freeze, go back to the last step that worked and try a smaller jump next time.

Some children move from written messages, to sending voice recordings, to phone or video calls. Some enjoy hearing recordings of themselves talking at home.

Avoiding parties and visits can make fear grow. Instead, adjust things: arrive early before it gets busy, bring a favourite game, and give your child time to warm up.

Ask relatives ahead of time not to ask your child to speak, and to accept waves and smiles.

Some children have trouble speaking at home when a visitor is there. Let them keep playing nearby, and let the visitor join in slowly, without asking questions at first.

Ideas

• Board games where players say a word or number
• Guessing games like I Spy
• Puppets or toy phones
• Singing or counting games

Fun, relaxed play builds comfort first. Therapists often start with child-led play before gently adding chances to speak.

Offer lots of love, support and patience. Your child needs to know you’re on their side, especially on hard days.

Start with quiet times and short tasks. Your child might hand over money, then later say “thank you,” then one day ask for an item. Practise at home first if it helps.

Tell staff beforehand that your child may not speak, and suggest they let the child point or show where it hurts. Some children can’t say they are in pain, so watch their body language too.

Playdates with one friend, starting at your home, can be easier than big groups. Choose friends your child already likes, and plan an activity they enjoy.

Helpful for teachers

• Give nonverbal classroom jobs, like handing out papers.
• Keep routines predictable.
• Let the child join in by pointing, gesturing, writing or drawing.
• Offer quiet one-to-one check-ins.
• Pair the child with a kind buddy, or a small group of preferred classmates.
• Respond warmly and naturally if the child speaks.

Try to avoid

• Calling on the child to answer in front of the class
• Demanding speech, or making a big deal when they talk
• Letting classmates answer for the child
• Saying “She doesn’t talk” in front of others

Some children avoid drinking at school, or hold in the toilet, because they can’t ask. Agree on a card or signal for the toilet, water and help.

A trained “keyworker” at school can carry out the plan consistently and help the child use new skills in more places.

Children with selective mutism may get help through a Section 504 plan or an IEP, depending on their needs. Support might include a buddy, small groups, or other ways to show what they know.

The IEPs & 504 plans guide explains how to ask for these.

Using the same approach at home and school is important. Share the plan, agree on the same words and signals, and check in regularly about what is working.

With the family’s input, the team can decide whether to explain selective mutism to classmates, perhaps through a book or video.

The Selective Mutism Association runs a virtual support group where parents and caregivers share stories and advice.

Selective mutism comes from a mix of temperament, family patterns, body and setting. There is no single cause, and many families of every kind are affected.

Taking care of your own sleep, rest and support helps you stay calm, which helps your child feel calm too. Share the load with a partner, relative or friend when you can.

The Selective Mutism Association (selectivemutism.org) lists treating professionals you can search by country, state, language, and in-person or online care.

Your child’s doctor can also refer you to a psychologist or speech-language pathologist.

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org, if you or your child are struggling or in crisis. It is free, confidential and open 24/7.

In the UK, you can ask your GP for a referral or contact a local speech and language therapy service directly.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines in more than 175 countries.