Bullying at school

Physical bullying includes hitting, kicking and tripping. Among U.S. students ages 12 to 18 who were bullied, about 5% reported being pushed, shoved, tripped or spat on.

Verbal bullying means name-calling and teasing. Being made fun of, called names or insulted is one of the most common kinds, reported by about 12% of students ages 12 to 18.

Relational or social bullying includes spreading rumors and leaving someone out on purpose. Being the subject of rumors was the most common kind reported by students ages 12 to 18, at about 13%.

Damaging or taking someone’s belongings is a form of bullying too. Lost or destroyed clothing, books or electronics can be a warning sign.

Cyberbullying happens through phones, computers and games. It can follow a child home and reach them at any hour.

Most friendship fallouts and one-off arguments are part of growing up. Bullying is different: it is repeated (or likely to be), one-sided, and the child doing it has more power, like being older, stronger, more popular or part of a group.

Questions to help you tell

• Does my child feel afraid or unable to make it stop?
• Has it happened more than once, or been threatened again?
• Is one side doing most of the hurting?
• Is the other child older, stronger or backed by a group?

• Bruises, cuts or other injuries they can’t explain
• Changes in eating, like skipping meals or eating much more
• Frequent headaches or stomachaches, or feeling sick on school days
• Trouble sleeping or bad dreams

• Grades dropping, or losing interest in schoolwork
• Lost or destroyed clothes, books or electronics
• Not wanting to go to school, ride the bus or go to an activity

• Feeling helpless, or worse about themselves
• No longer mentioning friends, or avoiding social situations
• Seeming stressed, anxious or upset, especially after school or screen time
• Spending more time alone, on their phone or in their room

Self-harm, or talk about suicide or not wanting to be alive, needs immediate attention.

Questions to try

• “Is there anyone at school who’s mean to you or others?”
• “What’s lunch or recess like?”
• “Who did you sit with today?”
• “What would you do if you saw someone being picked on?”

Listen calmly and show you want to help. Tell them clearly: this is not your fault. Thank them for telling you, because it took courage.

You might ask

• Has this happened before?
• Is it OK if I contact the school?
• What would help you feel safer?
• Can we make a plan for if it happens again?

1. Stop: tell the child doing it to stop, in a firm, calm voice.
2. Walk: leave calmly, toward other people or an adult.
3. Talk: tell a trusted adult what happened.

This takes courage, so practise it at home until it feels natural: standing tall, looking the person in the eye, then walking away.

• “I’m not afraid to get help if you don’t stop.”
• “Leave me alone.”
• “Not cool. I’m out.”
• “Stop. I don’t like that.”

• Ask what would help them feel safe
• Keep following up, because bullying often doesn’t stop quickly
• Listen calmly and show you want to help
• Role-play what to say or do next time
• Tell them clearly: this is not your fault

• Blame them, even if they reacted badly
• Contact the other child’s parents yourself; let the school handle it
• Tell them to fight back, which can lead to injury or discipline
• Tell them to just ignore it

• Dates, times and places
• Photos of injuries or damaged things
• Screenshots of messages or posts
• What happened, in your child’s words
• Who was involved or saw it

• Agree which adult at school they can go to, and how
• Pick safe places and people to stay near
• Plan what to do online: block, screenshot, tell you
• Practise what they will say and where they will go

Bring your notes: dates, what happened, who was there and any screenshots. Ask what the school will do and when you will hear back. Many states require schools to have an anti-bullying policy, so ask for a copy.

Questions to ask

• How will adults watch the places where it happens?
• What will happen with the other student(s)?
• When will you update me?
• Who is my child’s go-to adult at school?

After a call or meeting, send a short, calm email: what you reported, what the school said it would do, and when. It creates a record if things don’t improve.

Federal law requires schools to address harassment based on race, color, national origin, sex, disability or religion. If the school isn’t acting, you can contact the U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights or the U.S. Department of Justice.

Youth with disabilities often have IEPs or 504 plans, which can be used to prevent and respond to bullying and can add services your child needs. Bullying aimed at a child’s disability that creates a hostile environment may be disability harassment, which schools must address.

• Ask for a meeting with the principal and the counselor together
• Ask in writing for the school’s response and next steps
• Contact the district or your State Department of Education
• Get support from a counselor or therapist for your child meanwhile

1. Don’t respond to or forward the messages
2. Save evidence: screenshots, dates, times and what was said
3. Block the person
4. Report it to the app, game or website
5. Tell the school, since online bullying often spills into school
6. Contact the police if there are threats of violence, sexual photos or messages, stalking or hate crimes

Taking the phone away can make kids stop telling you things. Make it clear that coming to you will never get them in trouble.

• Block or unfriend someone who is being cruel
• Don’t share, like or comment on hurtful posts
• Send a kind private message to the person being targeted
• Tell an adult or report the post

• Check privacy settings together on each app
• Keep passwords private, even from friends
• Talk about what’s OK to post, and what lasts forever
• Know which apps and games your child uses

Watching or laughing gives the child doing the bullying the attention they want. Walking away and not joining in sends a clear message.

If it feels safe, your child can say “Stop!” and help the other child walk away. They should never use violence, and should get an adult if anyone could be hurt.

• Ask “Are you OK?” later on
• Invite them into a game or group
• Sit with them at lunch
• Walk with them between classes

Getting help for someone who has been hurt is not tattling. Telling a trusted adult is an act of care.

• Make sure they understand the behavior is wrong and hurts others
• Set firm, consistent limits on hurtful words or actions
• Stay calm and model respect yourself
• Use non-physical consequences that teach responsibility

Kids bully for many reasons: wanting to fit in, stress at home, or being bullied themselves. If trauma may be involved, talk with your pediatrician or a mental health professional.

• Help them make amends: an apology letter or a kind act
• Notice and praise kindness afterward
• Use consequences that teach, like writing about how it felt for the other child

Experts advise against “peer mediation” for bullying, because it isn’t a fight between equals and can upset the child who was hurt. Zero-tolerance suspensions alone don’t reduce bullying either.

Ask the school what happened and what they are doing. Agree on the same expectations at home and at school, and check in regularly.

• Suggest clubs, teams or activities built around their interests
• Try a different lunch table or an outside activity
• Practise easy openers: “What are you doing this weekend?” or “Did you get the math homework?”
• Invite one friend over for a short, structured playdate
• Remind them they don’t need to be friends with everyone

Most friendship fallouts are part of growing up. Listen without rushing to fix it. Help your child think about what they want and how to say it kindly. Encourage them to end friendships respectfully rather than ghosting.

Kids don’t always know what to say, when to say no or how to say no and stay friends. Practising at home builds confidence for real moments.

Phrases to practise

• “Nah, I’m good.”
• “My parents would ground me forever, I’m out.”
• “Not my thing. Want to do something else?”
• Agree on a code word they can text you to get picked up, no questions asked

Being part of a team, club or youth group gives kids another place to belong and another caring adult to turn to. This can help a child who is struggling at school still feel good about themselves.

• Ask your child which adult at school they like best
• Let that adult know your child may need a friendly check-in
• Look for clubs or mentoring programs at school or in the community

Encouraging activities that build confidence, like a sport, art, music or a club, gives kids another place to belong and other caring adults to turn to.

• Celebrate brave moments, big or small
• Help them spend time with kind friends
• Remind them often that it wasn’t their fault

• Big changes in mood, sleep or eating that last for weeks
• Not wanting to go to school for more than a week
• Pulling away from friends and family
• Saying they feel worthless or hopeless
• The bullying continues even though the school knows

Start with the school counselor or your pediatrician. They can help you find a therapist if needed.

Anger, guilt and worry are normal. Talking to a friend, partner or other parents can help you stay calm, and kids pick up on parental stress.