Gifted & twice-exceptional kids

A young gifted child may understand big ideas, like death, illness or unfairness in the world, before they have the life experience to cope with them. This can lead to big worries at a young age.

What helps

• Answer questions honestly but simply
• Limit scary news and adult conversations
• Reassure them that adults are taking care of big problems
• Help them find small, hopeful actions, like helping a neighbor

Some gifted children get frustrated because their hands can’t keep up with their ideas. They may avoid writing or drawing, even though they have lots to say.

Adults sometimes expect gifted children to behave like small adults. But they still need play, rest, comfort and limits, just like other children their age.

Gifted children may feel bored and restless in classes that move too slowly. Some act out, daydream or stop trying.

Some gifted traits, like intense interests and restlessness in slow classrooms, can look like ADHD or autism. A child can also be gifted and have ADHD or autism.

Gifted children may feel different or lonely among same-age peers, especially if their interests are unusual. Friends who share their interests, of any age, can make a big difference.

Many gifted children feel things intensely. They may be very sensitive to unfairness, criticism or other people’s pain. These are strengths, and they can also be overwhelming.

If schoolwork has always been easy, a child may never have learned how to work through something hard. The first real challenge can feel like proof they aren’t smart after all.

Adults may expect gifted children to be great at everything. Research on college students found that their sense of parents’ expectations and criticism was linked to perfectionism, and that these expectations rose from 1989 to 2019.

In U.S. Department of Education data, Black and Hispanic students made up 40% of public school students but only 26% of students in gifted programs. One study found Black students with white teachers were identified for gifted services about a third as often as similar white students.

Every child deserves a fair chance to have their strengths seen. Parents can ask how their school screens for gifted programs.

A child’s learning difficulties can hide their giftedness, and their strengths can hide their difficulties. Sometimes neither is noticed, because the child performs about at grade level.

Children who are still learning English may be able to think and solve problems far beyond what they can yet show in English. Asking for assessments that consider language can help.

Gifted children may use their strengths to make up for their needs, which can mask learning problems. Their needs can also hide their giftedness.

Experts suggest testing when a child

• Does exceptionally well in all areas except one, where they lag
• Does fairly well in most areas but stands out in one or two
• Seems capable but can’t explain why something is so hard

Unrecognized 2e children often sense they are capable of more but can’t tell why they struggle. This can lead to frustration, anxiety, low self-esteem and sadness.

Adults may wrongly see them as lazy or difficult. When they are identified and supported, they may do better at school and feel better about themselves.

Some parents are told gifted students can’t have an IEP. That is not true. Being in a gifted program doesn’t rule out school support plans.

A large study of 41,641 college students in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. found that all three types of perfectionism measured increased between 1989 and 2016, including feeling that others expect you to be perfect.

This research looked at college students, and it shows trends over time, not the cause in any one family.

You might notice

• Avoiding new things in case they aren’t good at them
• Harsh self-talk: “I’m so stupid”
• Meltdowns over small mistakes, or erasing work again and again
• Procrastinating because starting feels scary
• Stomach aches or poor sleep before tests or games

Ideas

• Ask “What did you enjoy?” before “What did you score?”
• Notice and gently question all-or-nothing thinking
• Praise effort, strategies and progress, not just grades
• Protect free play and rest from too many activities
• Share your own mistakes and how you recovered

Ideas

• Challenge at their level, inside or outside school
• Clubs, libraries, museums and online courses in their interests
• Enrichment outside school in their strong areas
• Projects they choose and lead themselves

Experts recommend enrichment outside school in a child’s strong areas, especially for 2e children.

Try saying

• “I love how curious you are.”
• “You kept going even when it was tricky.”
• “Mistakes are how everyone learns.”
• “What would you try differently next time?”

Being told “you’re so smart” can make children afraid to try hard things, in case they fail and stop looking smart.

Let them be ordinary kids too: play, rest, be silly. Their worth isn’t in what they achieve.

Remind 2e children that their brain works in its own way, and that’s okay. Help them understand both their strengths and their challenges.

Ideas

• Don’t make families choose between enrichment and support
• Refer students who excel in some areas but lag in others for testing
• Teach to both the strengths and the struggles

In a survey of 503 parents of 2e children, the biggest challenge was having to choose between intellectual enrichment and special-education help, because these are usually not offered together.

Steps

• Ask about school support plans (being in a gifted program doesn’t rule them out)
• Ask for a full evaluation that shows strengths and weaknesses
• Ask how the school screens for gifted programs
• Keep examples of your child’s work, both strong and struggling

Ideas

• Offer harder work instead of more of the same
• Let them show learning in different ways: talking, building, typing
• Notice the bored or disruptive child who may need more challenge
• Praise effort and persistence, not just quick answers

A neuropsychological evaluation is considered the best way to identify 2e children, because it shows both strengths and weaknesses.

In the U.S., for children aged 3 and older, you can call any local public elementary school and ask for an evaluation through the school system. Talk to your child’s doctor too.

A child psychologist or therapist can help with anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem and frustration. Many therapies include parents, because home is where change happens.