When kids face separation or loss

Long or sudden separations can be much harder than everyday goodbyes. Children may cling, go back to younger ways (wetting or baby talk), have trouble sleeping, or seem cold toward the parent when they return.

Young children may think a parent left because they did something wrong. Stress can show up as clinginess, sleep or toileting changes, thumb sucking, or aches and pains.

• Babies: may react to changes in routine and in the caregiver’s mood, and lose interest in eating
• Toddlers: may cry, sulk, have tantrums or sleep poorly
• Preschoolers: may think it is their fault, and show clinginess or toileting and sleep changes
• School-age children: may be moody, whiny or aggressive, struggle at school, or have stomachaches and headaches
• Teens: may get angry, act out, withdraw, or seem not to care

Ideas

• Keep the same caregiver, routines and comfort objects as much as possible
• Leave something of yours (a scarf, a photo) for them to keep
• Record stories, songs or messages they can play
• Stay in touch through calls, videos or letters
• Tell the child the truth in simple words and say when you’ll be back, if you know

Researchers who studied children separated from parents during migration found that both the separation and the later reunion can be emotionally hard. Patience and understanding help families rebuild closeness.

What helps

• Explain where the parent is going, why, and for how long, in words they understand
• Give extra attention and physical affection
• Keep schedules and prepare them for upcoming events
• Limit repeated or violent news coverage
• Plan regular contact, especially for birthdays and holidays

Older children may cope through scrapbooks, videos, letters or photos to share later. Let them talk about feelings, but don’t force conversations they aren’t ready for.

Groups with other children whose parents are deployed can help. Military OneSource can help families find support resources.

Children may feel many things at once, and some saw the arrest. They may also be more likely to face other hard experiences, like witnessing violence or being around drug and alcohol use.

Ideas

• Explain where the parent is in simple, honest words
• Help them stay in touch through letters, calls or visits if it is safe
• Keep routines steady at home and school
• Let them choose who they tell, and protect their privacy
• Tell a trusted teacher or counselor so they can quietly support them

What helps after a reunion

• Be patient; trust and closeness may take time to return
• Expect mixed feelings: joy, anger, shyness or testing
• Keep routines steady and predictable
• Name feelings: “You were really sad when I was gone”

Children need to understand what will happen when the parent comes home. Teens may resist new family roles, so be ready to talk about and adjust responsibilities.

• Did I cause this?
• Will it happen to me?
• Who will take care of me?

Let them know that nothing they did or said caused the illness, and that they will always be taken care of and loved.

Ideas

• Answer questions honestly, even “I don’t know”
• Keep school, play and routines going as much as possible
• Let them help in small ways if they want: drawing a card, reading aloud
• Make a memory box together, or one for them to keep
• Reassure them they will always be cared for, and by whom
• Use clear words like “cancer” and “dying”, matched to their age

Counseling before a death gives children a chance to think and talk about their feelings and worries. Let school know so teachers can support them.

Some children cook, clean, look after younger siblings or keep an eye on a parent who is unwell. Many are proud of the help they give. They can also feel tired, worried or alone, and find school harder.

Don’t expect teens to take on big caregiving tasks. They still deserve time to play, rest, see friends and do schoolwork.

Children need permission to still have fun. Play is how they cope and take breaks from big feelings.

Very young children don’t understand death the way older children do. They need a trusted adult with them every day, steady routines, lots of cuddles, and calls, videos or recorded messages if a parent is away for care.

Children under 5 may not realize death is permanent and may expect the person to come back. Avoid phrases like “going to sleep”, which can confuse them. Repeat explanations often, and use art, play and movement to help them express feelings.

Children this age are better able to understand that death is final. Prepare them for visits and explain what they will see. Give simple updates, expect to repeat them, and make clear they did not cause the illness.

Teens may understand death much like adults, but may not yet have adult coping skills. They need to hear the truth. Let them have a say in daily plans, give them time with friends, and encourage them to keep going to school.

A child may feel guilty for being alive, fear they could die too, or believe that angry words like “I wish you were dead” caused the death.

Grieving siblings can feel pressure to make up for the loss, or to be “super achievers”. Tell them they don’t have to replace their brother or sister.

Use short, clear words, and let their questions guide what else you share. Words like “passed away”, “went to sleep” or “lost” can confuse young children.

If their sibling died of an illness, name it, rather than saying “he got really sick”. Vague words can make children scared the next time someone catches a cold.

Ideas

• Explain clearly what happened, so they don’t fill gaps with self-blame
• Let them take breaks from grief to play and laugh
• Mark birthdays and anniversaries together
• Offer choices about goodbyes and memorials
• Respect that each child grieves differently: talking, playing, staying busy
• Say the sibling’s name and share memories

Let grieving siblings still be children, with the same freedoms as others their age. Adults often become more protective after a death, and that can feel overwhelming.

Try to avoid

• “I know how you feel” or “Move on”
• Comparing them to the sibling who died
• “You have to be strong for your parents”

Children may seem fine one minute and be sad the next. They revisit loss at new ages and milestones. Steady care and the chance to share memories help most.

Some children talk. Many express grief through art, writing, music, creative play or big-energy play like running and sports.

Young children may ask the same questions again and again. Repeating the same simple answer helps them make sense of it.

Ideas

• A quiet signal or place to go when feelings rise
• Flexibility with work for a while
• Let the teacher and school counselor know what happened
• Warn staff about hard dates, like anniversaries and Mother’s or Father’s Day

Let school know what is happening, so teachers can support your child.

Ideas

• Children’s grief groups and camps, where kids meet others who understand
• Coaches, teachers and faith leaders who keep checking in
• Neighbors and friends who help with meals, rides and childcare
• Remembering the person out loud, long after the funeral

• Child psychologist or therapist: grief, worry and big changes
• Children’s grief centers and support groups
• Hospital or hospice social workers: support before and after a death
• School counselor: check-ins and support at school

A counselor or mental health professional can help families talk about topics that feel too hard to raise alone.

Supporting a child while you are worried, grieving or parenting alone is exhausting. Getting support for yourself helps you support them.