When you’re worried about a veteran: warning signs & what to say

Military life teaches people to keep going, protect the team and not complain. Those strengths can make it hard to admit, even to yourself, that you’re not okay.

So a veteran may joke, stay busy or say “I’m fine” while carrying a lot. You don’t need proof that something is wrong before you check in.

One bad day is part of life. What matters more is a change that lasts, or several changes at once: sleeping badly, drinking more and pulling away, for example.

Stressful life events, like divorce, job loss or the death of a loved one, can raise risk. So can feeling cut off from other people.

VA lists a sense of connection to other people and support during stressful life events as protective factors. Regular contact from someone who cares is one of them.

Other things that protect

• Access to mental health care
• Positive coping skills
• Reasons for living, like family, friends or pets

• Anxiety, agitation, sleeplessness or mood swings
• Appearing sad or down most of the time
• Neglecting their health or appearance
• Rage, anger, or violent behavior like punching walls

You might notice them up all night, snapping at the kids, or no longer showering or eating regular meals.

• Dropping out of the group chat or not answering calls
• Posts about being a burden, having no way out or saying goodbye
• Withdrawing from family and friends

Battle buddies are often the first to see a change in tone online. A direct message or a call is better than a like or a comment.

• Engaging in risky activities without thinking, like reckless driving
• Increasing alcohol or drug use
• Losing interest in hobbies, work or school

• Feeling excessive guilt, shame or a sense of failure
• Feeling there is no reason to live
• Hopelessness, or feeling there’s no way out

Comments like “You’d be better off without me” or “It doesn’t matter anymore” deserve a gentle, direct question, not a change of subject.

• Getting affairs in order or writing a will
• Giving away prized possessions, like medals, tools or a favorite item
• Tying up loose ends

These can have ordinary reasons. Together with other changes, they are a signal to check in today.

The National Center for PTSD explains that an anniversary can bring back memories of a trauma. Memorial Day can be hard for a veteran who lost a battle buddy. Distress often eases within a week or two after the date.

Mark these dates on your calendar. A short “Thinking of you today” text can mean a lot.

A study of nearly 1.9 million service members found that suicide risk was highest in the first year after leaving service. Younger people and those with shorter service were at higher risk.

The death of a loved one is one of the stressful life events VA links to higher risk. When a unit loses someone to suicide, check on everyone who served with them.

In VA reviews of recent patients who died by suicide, relationship problems and financial loss were common risk factors. Divorce and job loss are stressful life events to watch.

Pain, sleep problems and more health problems were the most common risk factors noted for recent VA patients who died by suicide. Losing physical ability can hit hard for people whose bodies were their tools.

Public events and news coverage can act as reminders of past trauma. The National Center for PTSD suggests limiting news and social media coverage when it’s upsetting.

Pick a calm moment, not the middle of an argument. Name what you’ve seen and why it matters to you: “You haven’t slept properly in weeks, and I miss you.”

You don’t have to be their therapist. Your job is to notice, care and help them connect with support.

Adult children who served may hide struggles to spare their parents worry. Let them know you can handle hearing the truth: “Whatever is going on, I want to know. I won’t fall apart.”

Older veterans may face retirement, health changes or losing a spouse. From 2023 to 2024, the suicide rate rose for veterans aged 75 and older while it fell for younger age groups.

Regular visits or calls, and including them in family life, are simple ways to help. Older veterans has more.

Fellow veterans often hear things a family member won’t. VA encourages buddy checks: regular peer-to-peer check-ins between veterans.

Be direct, the way you would be in uniform: “Hey, you’ve gone dark on the chat. I’m checking on you. How are you really doing?”

VA and the nonprofit PsychArmor offer a free online training, S.A.V.E., for anyone who interacts with veterans: friends, employers, clergy, neighbors and more.

• Be positive
• Be yourself
• Listen without judgment
• Remain calm

Let them decide how much to share, and avoid prying with personal questions.

• Agreeing to keep it secret
• Arguing
• Blaming yourself
• Lecturing

Also avoid “But you have so much to live for” or “Think of your family.” They can add guilt. Try “That sounds really heavy. Tell me more.”

Many people find it easier to talk while driving, walking the dog or working on a project together. Choose a private moment when neither of you is rushed or drinking.

VA advises asking naturally and not in a way that signals you want a “no.” “You’re not thinking of doing anything stupid, are you?” makes it hard to answer honestly.

Let them talk. Listen without judgment, take what they say seriously, and reassure them that help is available.

You can say: “Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you did. We’ll figure out the next step together.”

Almost everyone feels nervous. You can even say so: “This is hard for me to ask, but I care about you too much not to.”

If you want to practice first, you can call the Veterans Crisis Line yourself. It supports family and friends too.

The Veterans Crisis Line is free, confidential and open 24/7 by call, text or chat. You don’t have to be enrolled in VA benefits or health care to connect.

Reassure them the call is confidential and that they decide how much to share.

All VA health care facilities provide same-day emergency mental health care. Under the COMPACT Act, eligible veterans can get emergency suicide-prevention care at any emergency department at no cost.

VA says creating time and space between a crisis and action gives crucial moments to get through. Respectful, temporary steps, like a trusted person holding keys, can help.

The days and weeks after a crisis matter. Keep checking in, help with practical things like rides to appointments, and keep life as normal and connected as possible.

• Invite them to things, even if they often say no
• Make a plan to check in, like a weekly call or coffee
• Send short texts that don’t need a long reply
• Tell them, plainly, that you’d want to know if things got worse

The Veterans Crisis Line offers a confidential, anonymous risk self-check online. Some veterans find it easier to start there than with a conversation.

The Vet Center Call Center at 1-877-927-8387 is staffed by combat veterans from several eras and family members of veterans. It’s free, confidential and open 24/7.

If they talk about wanting to die, look for ways to hurt themselves or show the urgent signs above, call the Veterans Crisis Line or 911, even if they’re angry with you. Their safety comes first.

• Caregiver Support Line: 1-855-260-3274, weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET
• Vet Center Call Center: 1-877-927-8387, 24/7
• Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, for family and friends too

Vet Centers offer free, confidential individual, group, marriage and family counseling to eligible veterans, service members and their families, including Guard and Reserve.

• Keep one or two people you can talk to honestly
• Keep up sleep, meals and some movement
• Notice if you’re feeling hopeless yourself, and get support
• Remember you can’t control another person’s choices

VA funds community groups through Fox suicide prevention grants to reach veterans and families who aren’t connected to VA. Local veteran groups, faith communities and employers can all be part of a circle of care.

Ask other family members or the veteran’s friends to share the check-ins, so it doesn’t all rest on you.

• Caregiver Support Line: 1-855-260-3274
• Emergency: 911
• Vet Center Call Center: 1-877-927-8387, 24/7, to talk with a veteran or veteran family member
• Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, text 838255, or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net

Veterans Crisis Line TTY for people who are deaf or hard of hearing: 1-800-799-4889.

The Veterans Crisis Line website lists numbers for each overseas region, and its online chat works from anywhere.

findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines by country. Veteran suicide prevention lists veterans’ lines in Australia, Canada and the UK. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.