Veterans & partners: talking, trust & closeness

The veteran may carry hard experiences, while the partner at home grew more independent and proud of handling things alone. Neither is wrong. You just need time to get to know each other again.

Being on guard, staying in control and keeping feelings locked down are useful in danger. At home, they can make a partner feel shut out or like they are “walking on eggshells”.

Readjustment takes time, and new challenges can come up with every reunion, even after earlier deployments went well. Many couples go through this more than once.

Avoidance and emotional numbness can make it harder for couples to be close. Partners often report less happiness and lower relationship satisfaction when PTSD is in the home.

A large RAND study of military marriages found that service members who deployed were not more likely to end their marriages than those who did not. Hard seasons are common. So is coming through them.

Relationship problems are often the reason people with PTSD decide to get help. Wanting a better relationship is a strong reason to start.

Military OneSource notes that opening up can feel risky, because a partner may fear rejection. Some veterans also worry that sharing what they carry will hurt the person they love.

In a UCLA brain-imaging study, putting a feeling into words lowered activity in the brain’s alarm center, the amygdala. A simple “I feel tense” can be a first step toward calm.

Try a short sentence

• “I feel on edge tonight. It’s not about you.”
• “I’m frustrated, and I need ten minutes.”
• “I feel flat today, but I still love you.”

Anger can be a cover for fear, hurt, shame or worry. Finding the feeling underneath helps your partner know how to help.

Feelings that can hide under anger

• Ashamed
• Embarrassed
• Helpless
• Hurt
• Left out
• Lonely
• Overwhelmed
• Scared
• Tired
• Worried

You can share how you feel today without sharing what happened in service. Loved ones don’t need to ask about your military experiences to support you.

For example

• “Crowds still put me on alert.”
• “Some days I feel far away. Hugs help.”
• “There are things I’m not ready to talk about yet.”

If talking is hard, write a few lines first, then read them together or hand them over. Many people find this takes the pressure off.

Hiding a need does not make it go away. It often comes out later as snapping, shutting down or drinking. Asking early is the stronger move.

Things veterans often need, and can ask for

• A heads-up before guests or plans change
• A seat facing the door when you go out
• Quiet time to reset after a hard day
• Reassurance after a nightmare
• Touch, or space from touch, on certain days

Partners often put their own needs last. Asking “What would help you this week?” shows you see them too.

You don’t have to agree on everything. The goal is to understand each other, then find a middle ground.

Try

• “What part of this could work for you?”
• “Could we try it once and see?”
• “What would you need from me to make this work?”

VA suggests setting regular times to talk and checking in often. Military OneSource adds: avoid serious talks when kids can overhear, or when one of you is busy or tired.

Ideas

• A 10-minute check-in after the kids are in bed
• A weekly walk to talk about the week ahead
• A “how are we doing?” chat once a month

Give your full attention, put the phone away, and repeat back what you heard: “So you felt alone when I went quiet.” Relaxed body language and eye contact help too.

Talk about one hard subject at a time, and focus on solutions, not who is right. You can come back to it another day.

If things get heated, take about 15 minutes alone to calm down, and agree to return to the talk. Saying when you’ll come back makes the break feel safe for both of you.

Military OneSource notes that couples who stay together make far more positive comments to each other than negative ones. Thank each other for small things.

Its free Love Every Day texting program sends prompts to help couples connect. You log in with a Military OneSource account.

When service members feel changed for the worse by war, they may find it hard to share themselves, or worry they will pass that change on to their partner.

VA notes that some couples face worries about trust or faithfulness after time apart, and may need to talk about their commitment. These talks go better at a calm time, and with a counselor if you get stuck.

Try

• Say when you’ll be home, and text if that changes
• Come back after a time-out when you said you would
• Follow through on one small thing each day
• Own it when you slip: “I said I’d call and didn’t. I’m sorry.”

You can share in small doses: a feeling, a worry, a good memory. See how it feels, then share a little more when you’re ready.

1. Agree on a pause word or hand signal.
2. Decide where each of you will go to cool down.
3. Pick a time to come back, like 15 to 30 minutes.
4. Do something that calms your body: a walk, slow breathing, cold water.
5. Come back and try again, or set another time.

Words that help

• “I’m sorry I raised my voice. You didn’t deserve that.”
• “I want to understand what you meant. Can you tell me again?”
• “Next time I’ll call a pause sooner.”

Strength at Home is a 12-week group for veterans who struggle with anger or aggression with a partner. In a randomized trial, it reduced both physical and emotional aggression more than usual care.

Some VA sites also offer Strength at Home for Couples, where partners learn together with other couples.

Don’t assume anger. Something else may be weighing on them. Opening up can feel risky, so a gentle invitation often works better than pushing.

Try

• “You seem far away tonight. I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “Would a walk or quiet company help more?”
• “No pressure. I’ll check in tomorrow.”

Partners may feel angry about being left alone, or overloaded by all they handled. Naming that calmly is part of honest closeness.

You could say

• “I’m proud of how I managed, and I’m tired.”
• “I need you to notice what I carried.”

VA encourages partners to look after their own needs and consider support for themselves. Vet Centers counsel eligible family members too.

Veterans are more open to care when the choice feels like theirs. Threats and ultimatums tend to backfire, but you can still say how things affect you.

Cognitive-Behavioral Conjoint Therapy for PTSD brings both partners into sessions. In a randomized trial, 15 sessions improved PTSD and relationship satisfaction more than a wait list.

IBCT is a talk therapy offered at VA. It helps partners understand each other’s differences, spot the patterns they get stuck in, build more good moments and practice problem-solving. Veterans with and without PTSD reported happier relationships after it.

Some VAs offer Warrior to Soul Mate, a chaplain-led relationship skills workshop, and Strength at Home for Couples. Groups show you that many couples face the same struggles.

Vet Centers offer free marriage and family counseling for eligible veterans, service members and families. Military OneSource offers free, confidential counseling for couples, and free relationship-skills consultations, for service members and for veterans up to 365 days after leaving service.

• Caregiver Support Line (for family worried about a veteran): 855-260-3274, weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET
• Military OneSource (within 365 days of leaving service): 800-342-9647, 24/7
• Vet Center Call Center: 877-927-8387, 24/7

• Emergency: 911
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, 24/7
• Your VA’s Intimate Partner Violence Assistance Program coordinator

Many countries have their own veterans’ services. Find a free, confidential helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.