Military spouses & partners

VA notes that families build new skills and friendships during deployments, alongside the worry and extra work. Many spouses say they discovered how capable they are.

Strengths spouses often build

• Calm in a crisis
• Making friends quickly
• Managing a home and money alone
• Problem-solving with little notice
• Starting over in a new place

Military OneSource notes that deployments and extensions can change with little warning. Not knowing what comes next is one of the most tiring parts of military life.

What can help

• Focus on what you can control today
• Keep a “plan B” for childcare and money
• Hold plans loosely, and tell yourself it’s OK to be disappointed
• Talk with other spouses who have been there

When life is shaped by your partner’s job, your own goals, friends and identity can slip into the background. Noticing this is not selfish. It is a healthy first step to keeping yourself whole.

Military moves can take you far from parents, siblings and old friends. That can mean no easy babysitter, no drop-in visits and missing family events. Building a new support web takes time, and it is worth the effort.

Spouses carry a lot of quiet, behind-the-scenes work. It is normal to want that work to be noticed. You can name your own efforts, and ask your partner and friends to notice them too.

In 2024, 10% of spouses who had moved looked for work and could not find any, and another 9% took 10 months or more to find a job. Income loss and licensing were among the biggest moving problems spouses named.

Ideas that help

• Ask about remote or portable work in your field
• Keep a “brag file” of your skills and results
• Look for employers that hire military spouses
• Start networking before the move, not after
• Talk to a free career coach (see below)

Under the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act, a license in good standing can be treated as valid in the new state when a spouse moves because of military orders. You usually need proof of orders, a marriage certificate and a notarized statement.

Some licensing offices don’t know the rule well yet. If you are told there is no pathway, a military legal assistance office can help, and you can report problems to the U.S. Department of Justice.

Military OneSource’s SpouseWorks (formerly SECO) offers free career coaching. The SpouseWorks Scholarship (formerly MyCAA) offers up to $4,000 for licenses, certifications, associate degrees or continuing education, for eligible spouses of service members on qualifying orders.

In 2024, 60% of active-duty spouses called their finances comfortable, down 10 points from 2019. Moving costs that aren’t paid back were a common problem.

Some spouses feel sad, angry or envious about goals they have paused. These feelings don’t mean you love your partner less. Talking about them, and making a plan for your own future, can ease the weight.

Military OneSource suggests joining family readiness activities and unit or installation events, especially before and during deployments. Your installation’s Military and Family Support Center can point you to groups, classes and programs.

Blue Star Families runs local chapters that connect military and veteran families with each other and with civilian neighbors.

Other ways to connect

• Faith communities near your new home
• Hobby, fitness or volunteer groups
• Online groups for spouses at your installation
• Parent groups at your child’s school

Many military families live off base and among civilians. Neighbors, coworkers and parents at school may not know military life, but they can still be kind, steady friends. You can teach them what helps.

• A standing video call with an old friend
• Voice notes instead of long messages
• A shared photo album or group chat
• A yearly visit or trip, if you can

1. Say yes to one invitation, even a short one.
2. Go back to the same place often: a gym class, café or playground.
3. Invite one person for coffee or a walk.
4. Offer help to another new family. It builds friendships both ways.

Beyond the chores, there is the planning: appointments, bills, school forms, car repairs and keeping everyone’s feelings in mind. Writing it down and sharing it, even with a friend, can lighten it.

Military OneSource notes that sadness, loneliness and anger are normal during a deployment, and some days are harder than others. Hiding feelings tends to make them heavier.

What helps

• Name what you feel, out loud or on paper
• Keep sleep, food and movement steady
• Arrange childcare for a few hours of your own time
• Check in with someone every day

Military OneSource encourages spouses to lean on friends and family and to arrange babysitting for personal time. People often want to help but don’t know how. A clear ask makes it easy.

Clear asks

• “Could you take the kids for two hours on Saturday?”
• “Can I call you on Sunday nights?”
• “Would you drive to soccer on Tuesdays?”

For step-by-step planning before, during and after a deployment, see the “Deployment & coming home as a family” guide.

In 2023, 9.8% of active-duty spouses were men. Male spouses may find that groups and events seem aimed at wives, and may feel extra pressure about work or about asking for help.

In 2024, 14% of active-duty spouses were in a dual-military family. Both partners may deploy, and DoD requires single parents and dual-military couples with children to keep a family care plan for who looks after the kids.

Most Guard and Reserve families live in civilian towns, so neighbors and coworkers may not understand deployments. Military OneSource is open to Guard and Reserve members and families whatever the activation status.

Many military benefits are tied to marriage, so girlfriends, boyfriends and fiancés may not get the same access. Your worry and love are just as real. The Veterans Crisis Line serves veterans, service members and the people who support them, and you don’t need to be enrolled in anything to call.

Your family is a military family. Some LGBTQ+ spouses still feel out of place at events, so finding friendly groups or other LGBTQ+ military families can help.

Spouses who grew up outside the U.S. may be far from family, still learning English, or unsure about paperwork. Military OneSource lists translation help among its services. Your installation’s family center can point you to classes and groups.

Partners of veterans may live with the effects of service for years, from PTSD to injuries. The “Veterans: family & partners” guide covers homecoming, partner stress and caregiving in depth.

• Feeling numb, hopeless or on edge most days
• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
• Pulling away from friends
• Sleep or appetite changing a lot
• Snapping at the kids more than you want to
• Using alcohol or other things to get through the day

Military and Family Life Counselors (MFLCs) offer free, confidential counseling on or near installations. Sessions are not reported to the command and don’t affect a service member’s clearance or career. Exceptions include duty to warn, suspected family maltreatment, harm to self or others, and illegal activity.

Topics MFLCs help with

• Deployment adjustment
• Grief
• Moving stress
• Relationships
• Stress management
• Work problems

Military OneSource offers free, short-term, confidential counseling for individuals, couples and families, plus a secure live chat. Call 800-342-9647, any time.

In 2024, TRICARE was the most common way active-duty spouses reached counseling. For ongoing mental health care, talk with your clinical provider about a referral.

Questions to talk through

• How will we stay in touch when apart?
• What does each of us need to feel supported?
• How will we make money decisions?
• What are my goals, and how can we make room for them?

Military OneSource offers a free, confidential Building Healthy Relationships consultation to help couples and families reconnect, along with couples counseling.

1. Take a break if things heat up, and agree when you will come back.
2. Use “I feel” instead of “You always”.
3. Name one thing you appreciate about each other.
4. Say sorry for your part, even if it’s small.

Stress is never an excuse for abuse. If you feel afraid of your partner, help is free and confidential. Military OneSource lists the Military Crisis Line for urgent needs, including domestic violence.

• Emergency: 911
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, 24/7
• Military Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, or text 838255

Honorably discharged and retired service members and their immediate families can use Military OneSource until 365 days after the end of service or retirement.

Vet Centers offer free, confidential individual, group, marriage and family counseling to eligible veterans, service members and their families. The Vet Center Call Center is open 24/7 at 1-877-927-8387.

VA’s Caregiver Support Line, 1-855-260-3274 (weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET), helps caregivers of veterans find support.

For some spouses, the end of service is the first chance in years to choose where to live and build a long-term career. It is normal to feel both excited and unsettled.

Free, short-term, confidential counseling, career coaching and financial counseling for service members and families, including Guard and Reserve families and, for 365 days after service, veteran families.

Find a Military and Family Life Counselor through your installation’s Military and Family Support Center or the MFLC locator.

Free marriage and family counseling for eligible veterans, service members and families, including Guard and Reserve.

Military OneSource lists ways to call from overseas. The Veterans Crisis Line lists regional overseas numbers on its website. Find a local helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.