Healing trauma across generations in military families

Researchers are studying how trauma may pass to children through both biology and learning. Much of what children absorb comes from daily life: how adults handle stress, anger, fear and closeness.

Studies of combat veterans’ children show mixed results, and researchers say much more is needed on the strengths that protect kids. With support, children are resilient.

CDC says childhood hardship is preventable, and that safe, stable, nurturing relationships help children thrive. Every repair, every calm moment and every honest talk adds up.

When a parent has flashbacks or nightmares, children may feel scared or helpless and not understand what is happening.

When a parent avoids outings or pulls away, children may feel ignored and act out to get attention. Family members may also start working around triggers, which can keep avoidance going.

Emotional numbness can dull warmth. Children may feel unloved, or try to cheer up or care for the parent. That can push kids into adult roles too early.

When a parent is always on alert or quick to anger, children may feel nervous, or see rules as harsh and controlling. Being on guard can also make a parent read ordinary kid behavior as a threat.

If kids hear nothing, they may make up their own, scarier explanations. Veterans often want to talk with their children about PTSD but find it hard to start.

Raising your own kids can stir up memories of how you were raised. You might hear your parent’s voice come out of your mouth, or feel lost about what “normal” looks like.

Childhood hardship, combat, loss, moral injury or military sexual trauma can stack up. Healing works best when care looks at your whole story, not just one part.

VA notes that wanting to be a good parent often motivates people to seek treatment, and that parenting goals can be part of a recovery plan. Treatment can bring a family closer together.

Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child explains that back-and-forth exchanges with a caring adult build connections in a child’s brain. When a child “serves” with a look, a question or a drawing, “returning” it with attention matters.

Teens may act out, withdraw or resent new roles when a parent comes home. Hearing their ideas and giving them a voice helps more than laying down the law.

Try

• Car rides or side-by-side activities, where talking is easier
• Asking their opinion on a real family decision
• Learning about something they love

If your children are adults, a simple, honest message can open a door: “I know things were hard when you were growing up. I’d like to hear what it was like for you.” Listen more than you explain.

Common signs

• A tight jaw or fists
• Feeling hot or shaky
• Noise starting to feel unbearable
• Thinking “they’re doing this on purpose”

When a parent pulls away, kids may feel lonely or ignored. A short explanation helps: “I was having a hard day and got quiet. It wasn’t about you. I’m here now.”

Parents with PTSD are more likely to report harsh physical discipline. If you worry you might hurt your child, reach out today. Help works, and asking protects your family.

• Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, or text 838255
• Your VA mental health team or a Vet Center: 877-927-8387
• Emergency: 911

• What PTSD is, in simple words
• How it shows up for you, like jumpiness or bad dreams
• That it is not their fault
• How they can help, without having to fix anything
• That treatment works and your family will get through this together

Children can develop their own stress symptoms after learning the details of a parent’s trauma. Keep combat stories, injuries and graphic events for adults and professionals.

• Young kids: “Dad’s brain learned to be on alert to keep him safe. He’s learning to relax again.”
• School-age: “Sometimes loud noises remind me of hard times in the Army. I might jump. It’s not because of you.”
• Teens: “I have PTSD from my service. I’m getting help, and you can ask me anything.”

Give kids time to ask questions and share feelings. A regular check-in time helps. If talking is hard, family therapy or your own provider can help you plan what to say.

In the ADAPT trial, parents learned to respond supportively when children showed feelings, and mothers who took part responded with more support and less dismissing.

Try

• Name the feeling: “You look really disappointed.”
• Stay calm and close while they feel it
• Then problem-solve together, if needed

Steady routines for meals, school and bedtime help kids feel safe, especially through deployments and big changes.

A simple format

• Each person shares one good thing and one hard thing
• Talk about one problem, and agree on one small step
• End with something fun

Fun is not a luxury. Shorter outings, smaller groups or time at home still count when crowds are hard.

Parental PTSD has been linked to more co-parenting problems. Agreeing on rules away from the kids, and backing each other up in front of them, helps.

VA’s online course covers child development, feelings, communication, coping with challenges, discipline and where to find help, including parenting with PTSD.

VA’s free PTSD Family Coach app offers self-care tools for family members and parents. Its free booklet, Understanding PTSD: A Guide for Family and Friends, includes tips on talking with children.

VA suggests couples or family therapy when PTSD affects home life. Vet Centers offer free family counseling for eligible veterans, service members and families.

Sesame Workshop shares child-friendly videos, articles and printables for military families, on changes, feelings, missing someone and routines.

Military OneSource offers free, confidential counseling for individuals, couples and families at 800-342-9647. Veterans and their families can use it for 365 days after leaving service.

• Vet Center Call Center: 877-927-8387, 24/7
• Caregiver Support Line (for family worried about a veteran): 855-260-3274, weekdays 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. ET
• Military OneSource (within 365 days of leaving service): 800-342-9647, 24/7

• Emergency: 911
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233, 24/7

Find a free, confidential helpline in your country at findahelpline.com.