Encouraging a veteran to get help

VA’s National Center for PTSD says care only works if the veteran truly decides to seek it. They need to feel they have a choice.

That takes pressure off you too. You are not responsible for their recovery. You can offer care, information and practical help, and let them take the step.

VA says PTSD treatment works, and that people who have been through trauma can learn to feel safe and cope with stress. There are several helpful treatments, so there are options.

When you talk about help as a normal, hopeful step, rather than a sign that something is “wrong” with them, you make it easier to say yes.

VA’s “Don’t Wait. Reach Out.” site notes that veterans are in a unique position to support other veterans, simply by reaching out.

If you served and got help yourself, sharing a little of your story can do more than any leaflet. You don’t need to share details. “Talking to someone helped me” is often enough.

In a review of studies with military personnel, about 43% worried they would be seen as weak for getting help.

It can help to reframe help as maintenance, like servicing gear or rehabbing an injury. Military OneSource puts it simply: getting help for a psychological issue is a sign of strength.

Military OneSource says seeking mental health care does not automatically affect a security clearance. A “yes” on the clearance form’s mental health question cannot, by itself, lead to denial of an interim clearance.

Some counseling, such as for combat adjustment, marital or family issues, grief, or sexual assault trauma, can usually be left off that question, with some exceptions. Commanders and supervisors are not allowed to ask about care disclosed on it.

The Vet Center Call Center is staffed by combat veterans from several eras, plus family members of veterans. It is free and open around the clock at 1-877-927-8387.

Make the Connection is a VA website with the world’s largest video collection of U.S. veterans talking openly about their mental health challenges and what helped. Watching a few can make “people like me get help” feel real.

Many veterans feel they haven’t “earned” help because a buddy was hurt worse or didn’t come home. This can be tangled up with survivor’s guilt.

You might say: “Help isn’t a prize for whoever suffered most. If it’s weighing on you, it’s worth looking after.” The “Survivor’s guilt” and “Moral injury” guides may help them too.

You don’t need to ask about their service to offer support, and they don’t have to tell their whole story to start getting help.

Trauma-focused therapies do work with memories, but at a planned pace and with support, and they usually last about 8 to 16 sessions. A first visit can simply be about sleep, stress or what’s happening now.

Mistrust is understandable, and arguing with it rarely helps. Instead, show there is more than one door.

Doors outside a hospital setting

• A peer specialist or veteran peer group
• A Vet Center, set apart from VA medical centers
• Community care or telehealth from home
• Nonprofit programs for veterans and families

In service, nobody completed a mission alone. You might gently point out that asking for support is part of good teamwork, not the opposite of it.

Some veterans are more open to self-help first. VA’s free apps, like PTSD Coach, or a veteran peer group can be a step they control.

Sometimes the “no” is about logistics, not feelings. VA says you can use some mental health services even if you’re not enrolled in VA health care, and you can call or walk in to any VA medical center, day or night.

Offering to find the number, drive, or sit in the waiting room can remove the biggest obstacles.

Good times

• A drive or a walk side by side, which can feel less intense than face to face
• A quiet evening at home when nobody is rushed
• After they mention a problem themselves, like poor sleep

Times to avoid

• During or right after an argument
• In front of children, friends or co-workers
• When they have been drinking
• When either of you is exhausted or angry

A conversation can succeed even if they don’t agree to anything. Planting a seed, or getting a “maybe”, counts.

Small goals might be

• Agreeing to talk again next week
• Calling the Vet Center line to ask a question
• Mentioning sleep or stress at their next checkup
• Watching one Make the Connection video together

VA lists signs a veteran may need help, including sleep problems, feeling down, being easily angered or on edge, trouble at work or school, relationship problems, heavy drinking or drug use, and reckless driving.

“You’ve been up most nights this month” lands better than “You have PTSD”. You are sharing what you notice, not giving a diagnosis.

VA notes that the person you’re talking to may feel anxious, nervous or angry, which can make it hard for them to hear you. Taking a few slow breaths, and expecting some defensiveness, helps you stay kind.

• “I know things haven’t been going how you’d like, and I want to help.”
• “I care about you, and I’ve been worried.”
• “I’m not here to lecture. I just miss you being you.”

VA says it is fine to explain how their behavior affects you. Talking about your own feelings keeps it from sounding like an attack.

Try

• “I feel scared when you drive that fast.”
• “I feel lonely when you go quiet for days.”
• “I worry when you’re up all night.”

Open questions

• “How have you been sleeping lately?”
• “What’s been the hardest part since you got out?”
• “What do you think would help, even a little?”

Veterans Crisis Line guidance for supporters is to listen more than you speak, let them decide how much to share, and keep judgment out of the conversation.

Repeating the heart of what they said, in your own words, shows you’re listening. “So it sounds like you’re worn out, but you don’t want to be treated like a patient.”

People often soften when they feel understood. It also gives them a chance to correct you, which keeps the conversation going.

In VA research, veterans were often motivated by wanting to protect their relationships with loved ones.

For example

• “The kids would love to have more of you.”
• “You always looked after your team. Let someone look after you for a bit.”
• “Getting stronger in this way could help you show up the way you want to.”

• “It’s your call whether you see somebody, but if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”
• “Maybe talking to someone at a Vet Center might help?”
• “Would you rather call, try a video visit, or have me come with you?”

Try: “I love you, and I’m worried. I’d like us to find some support together.” If something truly isn’t okay for you, say so calmly as your own limit, not as a threat.

Try: “You haven’t seemed like yourself, and the nightmares seem to be wearing you down.” Describe what you see. Leave diagnosis to a professional.

Try: “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I just want to help with how things are now.” You don’t need to know what happened to offer support.

Try: “What you went through matters, and so do you.” Minimizing can deepen shame, which is already a big barrier for many veterans.

Try one trusted person, one calm conversation, then a follow-up. Being cornered can make anyone defensive, especially someone who is always on alert.

Try one option that fits them, like a single phone number or one short video. Too many choices can feel like homework.

You could say

• “I hope so. I’ve just noticed you’re not sleeping, and I care about you.”
• “Okay. If that changes, I’m here.”

You can come back to it another day. VA suggests planning more than one talk rather than solving everything at once.

You could say

• “You’re right, I wasn’t there. That’s why I think talking to another veteran could help.”
• “The Vet Center line is answered by combat veterans. Would you try that?”

You could say

• “That makes sense to worry about. Can we look up the real rules together?”
• “Military OneSource says getting care doesn’t automatically affect a clearance.”

You could say

• “Fair. I’ll drop it for now. I just love you.”
• “I won’t keep bringing it up. Can I check in again in a couple of weeks?”

Backing off for a while protects the relationship, and the relationship is what makes future conversations possible.

You could say

• “Maybe the last person wasn’t the right fit. You can ask for someone else.”
• “There are other kinds of help too, like a peer group or something for sleep.”

VA says there are several helpful treatments for PTSD, and no one treatment is right for everyone.

If the talk gets heated, it’s okay to stop. “Let’s take a break and come back to this.” Leave the room if you need to.

This free, confidential line lets veterans, service members and their families talk about their military experience or anything else they’re facing, and get connected to their nearest Vet Center.

Make the Connection (maketheconnection.net) shares videos of veterans and their families talking about real challenges and recovery. It also has information on symptoms, treatment and local resources.

Some veterans find it easier to say “I’m not sleeping” or “my back is killing me” than “I’m struggling”. In VA reviews of veterans who died by suicide, pain and sleep problems were the most often identified risk factors, so these are worth raising with a provider.

VA’s free PTSD Coach app is for anyone who wants to learn about and manage symptoms after a trauma. The PTSD Family Coach app offers practical help for loved ones.

• Drive them, or sit in the waiting room
• Find the phone number or website, so it’s one tap away
• Help gather papers like a DD214, if needed
• Help with childcare or pets during an appointment
• Sit with them while they make the call

This free line is open to caregivers, family members, friends and veterans who want information related to caregiving. If you’re new to VA or unsure about eligibility, calling is a good first step.

VA’s former Coaching Into Care line, which coached family members on helping a veteran into care, was redirected to the Caregiver Support Line in April 2024.

VA researchers have been testing VA-CRAFT, a web program that teaches family members skills to encourage a veteran with PTSD to start care, alongside phone coaching.

It is based on CRAFT, a family approach with strong research behind it. The “When someone you love refuses help” guide explains how it works.

S.A.V.E. stands for Signs, Ask, Validate, Encourage and Expedite. VA created it with PsychArmor so that anyone, including friends and family, can learn simple steps for talking with a veteran who may be at risk of suicide.

The Vet Center Call Center (1-877-927-8387) is open to families as well as veterans.

Military OneSource offers free, confidential support 24/7 at 800-342-9647. Honorably discharged veterans and their immediate families can use it for up to 365 days after leaving service.

• Keep time for your own friends, rest and interests
• Lean on your own support, like a counselor, faith community or support group
• Notice your own stress, and take it seriously
• Remind yourself that their choice is not your failure

• Agree on a time to check in again
• Keep doing normal, enjoyable things together
• Notice and appreciate good days
• Mention help again when they raise a problem themselves

Openings often come after a rough night, a scare, a health checkup, a big life change, or when they say “I can’t keep doing this.” A gentle “Would now be a good time to call someone?” can land very differently then.

You can respect their choice about care and still have limits about how you’re treated. “I won’t stay in the room when there’s shouting” is a limit, not a threat.

• Heavy drinking or drug use: see “Alcohol & substance use after service”
• Signs of suicide risk: see the next section and “Veteran suicide prevention”
• You feel unsafe at home: see “Helping someone in an abusive relationship” and reach out for your own safety

• Looking for ways to end their life
• Talking about death, dying or suicide
• Self-destructive behavior, like risky use of weapons or drug misuse

Other warning signs

• Feeling there is no reason to live
• Giving away prized possessions, or getting affairs in order
• Heavy guilt, shame or a sense of failure
• Increasing alcohol or drug use
• Withdrawing from family and friends

It’s okay to ask: “Are you thinking about taking your own life?” Asking doesn’t increase their risk. Stay calm, listen, and remind them you’re there.

Offer to contact the Veterans Crisis Line together, and stay with them. Family and friends can also contact the line themselves if they’re worried about a veteran.

In 2024, firearms were involved in 74.3% of veteran suicides, and unsecured firearms in the home were one of the risk factors VA identified.

VA says creating time and space between crisis and action gives crucial moments to get through. A free cable gun lock is available from your local VA: just ask. Lockboxes and safes are other options.

• Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988 then press 1, text 838255, or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net
• If a life is in danger, call 911
• Go to the nearest emergency room, or walk into any VA medical center, day or night

The Veterans Crisis Line is for veterans, service members, Guard and Reserve members, and the people who support them. You don’t need to be enrolled in VA benefits or health care.

The Veterans Crisis Line website lists phone numbers for calling from overseas regions, on and off base. Anywhere in the world, findahelpline.com can help you find a free local helpline, or call the local emergency number.