What to say (and not say) when someone is struggling

The ALGEE action plan

1. Approach the person, and check for and help with any crisis.
2. Listen and communicate without judgment.
3. Give support and information.
4. Encourage them to get the right professional help.
5. Encourage other supports, like friends, family and groups.

The plan is flexible. If there is no crisis, you can move through the other steps in whatever order fits the conversation.

Four steps from the R U OK? charity

1. Ask: be relaxed and friendly, and mention changes you’ve noticed.
2. Listen with an open mind: don’t rush, interrupt or judge.
3. Encourage action: ask what has helped before and how you can support them.
4. Check in: follow up in a couple of weeks, or sooner if they’re really struggling.

It’s natural to want to solve the problem. But jumping to advice can make someone feel rushed or unheard. Guides from R U OK? and Seize the Awkward both say: don’t try to fix it straight away, and skip advice nobody asked for.

Before starting, check that you’re in a good headspace and are the right person to have this talk. If you’re exhausted, angry or very upset, it may be better to wait, or to think of someone else in their life who could reach out.

Choose a time and place where you’ll both be comfortable and not rushed. If they can’t talk right then, it’s fine to suggest another time.

A conversation doesn’t have to be a big sit-down talk. Inviting someone to get food, take a walk or play a game can make it easier to open up.

A simple text or direct message can open the door. Small messages, like a text saying you’re thinking about them, add up over time.

Mentioning specific changes you’ve noticed makes your question feel caring and real. “You’ve missed practice a few times” lands more gently than “You’re depressed.”

You might say

• “I’ve noticed you’ve been down lately. What’s going on?”
• “Seems like something’s up. Do you want to talk about it?”
• “You seem less chatty than usual. How are you going?”

You might say

• “Hey, we haven’t talked in a while. How are you?”
• “Hey, where have you been? Missed you at practice.”

You might send

• “No need to reply, just thinking of you.”
• “What’s up? Been thinking about you.”
• “You OK? I noticed you’ve missed class a few times.”

If someone opens up about a diagnosis, a trauma or how bad things have been, your first words matter. Reassure them that sharing was a big step, and let them know they don’t have to deal with it alone.

You might say

• “I’m really glad you told me.”
• “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
• “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

If they don’t want to talk, don’t criticise them or force it. You can say you’re still a bit worried about the changes you’ve noticed, and that you care. If they really are okay, they’ll know you cared enough to ask.

You might say

• “Is there someone else you’d rather talk to?”
• “Okay. Please call me if you ever want to chat.”
• “Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen.”

Questions that start with “how”, “what” or “where” help people say more than a yes or no.

Examples

• “How are you feeling about that?”
• “How long have you felt that way?”
• “How would you like things to be different?”
• “What do you miss?”

Repeat back what you heard in your own words, and check you’ve understood. Starting with “I heard you say…” helps people feel understood and clears up mix-ups.

Try

• “It sounds like work has been crushing you.”
• “So you’ve been feeling alone, even with people around. Is that right?”

Don’t interrupt or rush, and sit patiently with silences. Let them open up at their own speed.

Don’t pressure them for answers or push them to share things they aren’t ready to talk about. Regular, steady check-ins matter more than one perfect conversation.

You might say

• “Anyone would feel worn down by that.”
• “I can see why you’re so upset.”
• “It makes sense you feel that way.”
• “That sounds really hard.”

These phrases don’t solve anything, and that’s the point. Feeling understood often comes before someone is ready to think about next steps.

You can validate the feeling (“You feel like a failure, and that hurts”) without agreeing with the thought (“You are a failure”). Later, you can gently offer another view, once they feel heard.

Comment on their strengths, and thank them for being willing to talk with you. Listing everything they’re doing wrong can make people less open to asking for help.

Try

• “I admire how you keep showing up for your kids.”
• “It took courage to say all that.”

Comparing pain can make someone feel guilty for struggling at all. Pain isn’t a competition.

Try instead

• “This is hard for you, and that matters.”
• “What’s been the hardest part?”

Quick advice can feel like you’re trying to end the conversation. Skip unsolicited advice and don’t try to fix their problems straight away.

Try instead

• “Do you want ideas, or just someone to listen?”
• “What has helped you before?”

Rushing to the positive can feel like you’re brushing their feelings aside. Hope works better once someone feels heard.

Try instead

• “I’m here, even on the bad days.”
• “It won’t always feel like this, and I’ll stick around.”

Sharing your own struggles can help a friend open up. But keep the focus on them, and avoid suggesting you know exactly what it’s like.

Try instead

• “I went through something a bit like this. What’s it like for you?”
• “I can’t know exactly, but I want to understand.”

“Why” can sound like blame, even when you’re just curious. “How” and “what” questions usually feel safer.

Try instead

• “How did things get to this point?”
• “What was going on for you then?”

If someone’s safety is at risk, you may need to get help. Avoid promising complete secrecy.

Try instead

• “I can keep this between us, unless I get really worried about your safety.”

Mental health conditions are real health conditions, not a lack of effort. “Try harder” adds shame to pain.

Try instead

• “You’re not weak for struggling.”
• “What would make today a little easier?”

Person-first language puts the person before the illness, like “a person with a substance use disorder” instead of “an addict”.

Swaps the National Institute on Drug Abuse suggests

• “Addict” or “junkie” → person with a substance use disorder
• “Clean” → not drinking or taking drugs
• “Former addict” → person in recovery

Let people choose how they are described, and ask loved ones how they want to be referred to.

Some people prefer identity-first words, like “autistic person”. When you’re not sure, it’s respectful to ask.

Words like “crazy”, “psycho” or “so OCD” are often said as jokes. But to someone who is struggling, they can signal that it isn’t safe to speak up. Swapping them out is a small way to make your circle feel safer.

If you’re worried, ask clearly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” Studies show that asking does not increase suicidal thoughts or behaviour.

Be direct and talk openly and matter-of-factly. Offer hope that other options exist, without quick, glib reassurance.

Crying often means someone feels safe enough to let go. You don’t need to stop it or fill the space.

You might say

• “I’m right here.”
• “It’s okay. Take all the time you need.”

Avoid confrontation. You can say you’re still concerned and you care, and leave the door open for another time.

You might say

• “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just care about you.”
• “We can leave it for now. I’m here when you want to talk.”

It may take many conversations before someone gets help. If they don’t want to talk, let them know you’ll be there when they’re ready.

You might say

• “I don’t have answers, but I’m not going anywhere.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I’m glad you told me.”

Just being there can be enough, even when words fail.

Summarise what you heard and any steps they want to take. If they want help, ask how you can support them, and ask if you can check in again.

You might say

• “Can I check in with you later this week?”
• “How would you like me to support you?”
• “Thank you for talking with me. That took courage.”

If someone has felt really down for more than two weeks, or is at risk, encourage them to see a health professional. You can offer to help find someone or go with them.

You might say

• “I can go with you to get help if that would help.”
• “It might be useful to talk to someone who can support you.”

Set a reminder to check in in a couple of weeks, or sooner if they’re really struggling. If they haven’t tried anything yet, don’t judge. They may just need someone to listen.

You might send

• “I’ve been thinking of you. How have you been since we talked?”
• “No pressure to reply. Just wanted you to know I’m here.”

Some conversations are too big for family and friends alone. If someone may be at risk, contact a professional or crisis line as soon as you can. Never keep it a secret if someone tells you about a plan to hurt themselves.

You can contact 988 to learn what support is available for someone you’re worried about. Calls go to a local 988 Lifeline crisis centre.

If texting feels easier, Crisis Text Line is free and available 24/7 in the U.S.: text HOME to 741741.

FindTreatment.gov, run by SAMHSA, is a confidential tool for finding mental health and substance use services near you. A primary care provider is also a good first step.

The NAMI HelpLine (800-950-6264, Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET) gives free information and support to people with mental health conditions and their loved ones. It is not a crisis line.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines by country, by phone, text or chat. The International Association for Suicide Prevention shares it. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.

In the app

• Communication & listening skills
• Helping someone who may be suicidal
• Looking after yourself while supporting someone
• Supporting someone from far away
• Supporting someone who is grieving
• Supporting someone you love
• When someone you love is depressed
• When someone you love refuses help