When your partner is struggling

It’s common for one partner to take on more of the chores, money and parenting for a while. That can be fine in the short term. Problems grow when nobody talks about it and the shift quietly becomes permanent.

NAMI warns against one person doing all the caretaking. Everyone, including the person who is struggling, can have a role that fits what they can manage right now.

Many couples notice that nearly every conversation becomes about the illness. NAMI encourages families not to let life revolve around a condition, and to keep doing ordinary things together.

You might hold back worries or needs so you don’t upset your partner. Over time, that can leave you lonely and resentful. Gentle, honest talk at a calm moment is usually kinder than silence.

Signs you may be tiptoeing

• You rehearse what to say before you speak
• You hide bad news or your own bad days
• You say “it’s fine” when it isn’t
• You stop sharing your own worries so you don’t add to theirs

Low energy and stress often squeeze out dates, laughter and touch. Neither of you is to blame. Noticing these changes is not disloyal. Naming them is the first step to rebalancing.

NAMI notes that partners who learn more about a condition and the treatment plan usually grow more comfortable and better at supporting each other. Use trusted sources, and ask your partner what it is like for them.

Free classes like NAMI Family-to-Family welcome partners and significant others. See “Family therapy & programs” in the “When someone in your family is struggling” guide.

Habits that help

• Ask for their ideas: people are more likely to try a plan they helped make
• Get their attention first and talk about one topic at a time
• Say exactly what you mean and the outcome you hope for
• Use “I” statements: “I’m worried because you haven’t been sleeping,” not “You’re falling apart”

Ask what helps on hard days, and what makes things worse. Write it down together while things are calm, so you both have it when things aren’t. The “Our family support plan” worksheet in the family guide works well for couples too.

Decide together who does what, and review it as things improve. Letting your partner keep some tasks, in ways they can manage, protects their dignity and your energy.

With their permission, joining an appointment can help you understand the plan and know when to reach out to their team. Treatment decisions are theirs to make. NAMI reminds families that respecting a loved one’s right to decide builds a healing, respectful home.

Agree together what you will tell your families and friends. A simple line helps: “He’s having a hard time and getting support.” Present a united front if relatives criticise.

• “Big purchases over $200 we agree on together.”
• “I need one evening a week with my friends.”
• “I won’t keep talking if we’re shouting. I’ll come back in 20 minutes.”
• “If you’re not safe, I will call for help, even if you’re angry with me.”

Some conditions can bring times of impulsive spending. When things are calm, some couples agree a money plan: spending limits, a cooling-off rule before big purchases, or a trusted person to check them. Keeping some savings separate can feel safer, if you both agree.

See the “Money in families & relationships” and “Debt & financial hardship” guides for more help.

Boundaries work best when you can keep them yourself: leaving the room, ending a call, or calling for help. Say it calmly ahead of time, then follow through the same way each time. Consistency feels safer for both of you.

• Honesty about what you each need, said gently
• Short daily check-ins that aren’t about the illness
• Small, no-pressure touch: holding hands, a hug at the door

If something hurt trust, like hidden spending or secrets, talk about it when things are calm, ideally with a couples therapist. Focus on what happened and what you both need now, not on blame.

See the “Betrayal & rebuilding trust” guide for more.

If changes in desire or sexual function worry either of you, it’s okay to bring it up with a clinical provider. See the “Sexual health & wellbeing” and “Intimacy & closeness” guides for more.

A weekly date, walk or meal where the illness isn’t the topic can remind you both why you chose each other. Keep it small and easy so it survives the hard weeks.

Remembering what you love about them, like their humour, your shared history or how they listen, helps separate the person from the illness. Tell them, too. NAMI suggests saying support out loud with simple words like “I’m not giving up on you.”

Letting your partner care for you, in ways they can manage right now, keeps you equals. It might be choosing the film, making tea or listening to your day.

Couples or family therapy can help partners talk about communication, money, parenting and mental health concerns together. When a condition is involved, it often includes learning about it as a couple.

People are often scared to tell a partner because of stigma. If they open up, thank them. You don’t need the perfect reply. Curiosity and kindness are enough: “Thank you for trusting me. What would you like me to know?”

Helpful next steps

• Ask how you’ll know if they’re having a harder time, and what helps
• Ask what it’s like for them, rather than guessing
• Keep it private unless they say it’s okay to share
• Read a little from trusted sources

It’s common to feel you must be available all the time, answer every late-night text, or keep them safe alone. That isn’t fair to either of you. Encourage them to build a wider circle: friends, family, a counsellor, a support group.

Kind limits

• “I want to hear about your day, and I need to sleep by 11.”
• “I’m worried. I think a counsellor could help more than I can.”
• “If you tell me you’re not safe, I’ll get help, even if you ask me not to.”

Staying or leaving is your choice, and it shouldn’t rest only on whether someone is unwell. Ask yourself: Do I feel respected? Do we both make an effort? Do I still have my own life, friends and goals?

If you decide to end things, you can do it kindly and clearly. Let a trusted person know so your partner has support, and if you’re worried about their safety, contact 988 for advice.

If you’re a teen dating someone who is struggling, tell a trusted adult: a parent, school counsellor, coach or relative. Getting help for them isn’t betrayal. It’s care.

love is respect offers free, 24/7 support for young people with questions about their relationships: call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.

Warning signs

• Checking your phone or tracking where you go
• Controlling money or who you see
• Cutting you off from friends and family
• Making you feel scared to go home
• Threats, hitting, breaking things or using weapons

Threats of self-harm used to make you stay are a sign of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Take the threat seriously by calling for help: call or text 988, or 911 if a life is in danger. But keeping someone safe is not your job alone, and you don’t have to stay to do it.

See the “Helping someone who may be suicidal” guide for what to say and do.

• Immediate danger: 911
• Domestic violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233
• Mental health crisis: call or text 988
• Teens and young adults: love is respect, 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522

You might resent reminding your partner about appointments, then feel guilty. NAMI says this kind of guilt is untrue and unhelpful. Noticing feelings without judging them lowers stress and helps you choose how to act.

DBSA lists feelings many families have: helpless, overwhelmed, hurt, angry, guilty, ashamed, sad and scared. All of them are normal.

NAMI suggests working old enjoyable activities back into your life, like a standing monthly lunch with friends. Widening your support network also takes pressure off your partner, and may reduce resentment on both sides.

NAMI Family Support Groups welcome any adult whose loved one has symptoms of a mental health condition, including partners. DBSA runs groups for friends and family of people living with depression or bipolar.

For more on caregiver stress, see the “Caregiver stress & burnout” guide.