Supporting someone who is grieving
You can’t take away someone’s grief. But you can make sure they don’t carry it alone.
What to say and how to help
What to say, what not to say, and how to really help.
Many people stay away from someone who is grieving because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But showing up matters more than having perfect words.
Things that help to say
- “I’m so sorry.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
- “I’ve been thinking about you and [name].”
- “Would you like to talk about them? I’d love to hear.”
- “I’m bringing dinner on Thursday. Is 6 o’clock okay?”
Things to avoid saying
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least they lived a long life.”
- “You need to move on.” or “Get over it.”
- “It was just a pet / just a job.”
Ways to truly help
- Be present. Ask what they need: to talk, a distraction, or practical help.
- Offer something specific, like childcare, errands or a meal. It is easier to accept than “let me know if you need anything”.
- Listen more than you talk. You don’t need to fix their pain.
- Say their loved one’s name. It shows they are not forgotten.
- Keep checking in after the first few weeks, when support often fades.
- Remember hard dates, like birthdays and anniversaries, and send a message.
Read more
Many people find suicide hard to talk about and stay away, which can leave grieving families feeling abandoned just when they need support most.
Try
- Say their loved one’s name, and share a good memory
- “I’m so sorry. I’m here, and you don’t have to explain anything.”
- Listen to the “why” questions without trying to answer them
- Offer practical help with meals, calls, paperwork or children
Try to avoid
- Asking for details about how they died
- “Did you see any signs?”
- Words like “committed suicide”. Say “died by suicide”
- Judging the person who died
Read more
When a child or adult dies, most attention goes to parents, partners or children. Siblings, especially young ones, may hide their grief to protect their parents. Ask them how they’re doing, and give them space to talk about their brother or sister.
- Send a card or message to the sibling, not just the parents
- Offer teens time with you away from a house full of sadness
- Remember their sibling’s birthday too
Read more
Support often fades after the funeral, but grief can be just as strong months or years later. Anniversaries, holidays and milestones can bring waves of pain.
- Put the date of death and their loved one’s birthday in your calendar
- Check in at three months, six months and one year
- Invite them to things, and understand if they say no
- Notice if months later they seem stuck or hopeless, and gently encourage extra support
Read more
Being close to someone else’s pain can be draining, and it may stir up memories of your own losses. That’s normal. Take breaks, share the support with others, and talk to someone about how you’re feeling.
Practical help that makes a difference
Specific offers are easier to accept than “let me know”.
People who are grieving often find it hard to ask for help. A specific offer, like childcare, errands or a meal, is easier to accept than “let me know if you need anything”.
Grieving people sometimes worry about being a burden. But more often than not, friends and family are eager to help in concrete ways, like cleaning, cooking, shopping, childcare and errands.
Read more
After a death, families are often handed a pile of calls, forms and tasks, right when shock makes thinking hard. Taking even one task off their list helps.
Tasks you could offer
- Coming along to appointments at the bank, lawyer or funeral home
- Collecting mail and keeping the home tidy
- Making phone calls or sending emails for them
- Organizing meals, childcare or pet care
- Picking up relatives from the airport
Read more
Grief can take away appetite and energy. Eating regular meals, even small ones, helps people keep their strength.
Ideas
- Ask about allergies and food preferences first
- Bring food in containers that don’t need to be returned
- Offer a grocery run on a set day each week
- Set up a meal schedule with other friends, so help is spread out over weeks
Read more
Parents who are grieving may struggle to keep up with school runs, meals and bedtime. Steady routines help children, so practical help with the family can make a big difference.
Ideas
- Do the school pickup on a regular day
- Take the kids to the park for an afternoon
- Help with homework or a school project
- Offer teens time with you away from a house full of sadness
Read more
Support often fades after the first few weeks, but grief and its tasks go on. Keep offering help well after the early days.
Ideas
- Help sort belongings, if and when they are ready
- Offer a ride to the cemetery or memorial
- Help with yard work or home repairs the person used to do
- Invite them to regular plans, like a weekly walk
Respecting different ways of grieving
Some people cry, some keep busy. Faith and culture shape grief too.
Grief experts describe grieving styles on a range, from feeling-focused (talking, crying) to action-focused (doing, planning). Most people are a blend. Neither style shows how much someone loved the person.
Grief happens in every culture, but beliefs and customs about death differ widely. Respecting how someone grieves is one of the kindest things you can do.
Read more
Feeling-focused grievers often want to talk about the person and share their feelings. They tend to value people who listen without trying to fix.
Try
- “Tell me about her.”
- “What do you miss most?”
- Being okay with tears and silence
- Not rushing to change the subject
Read more
Action-focused grievers may plan the memorial, fix things or throw themselves into activity. Their grief is just as real, even with fewer tears.
Try
- Offering to help with a project in the person’s memory
- Talking side by side while doing something together
- Going for a walk, a drive or a game
- Not pushing them to “open up”
Read more
Mourning customs, like how long people mourn, what they wear, what they eat and how they gather, differ across faiths and cultures. Some people find great comfort in faith, while others find it brings questions or distress.
Try
- Ask, “Are there customs I should know about?”
- Learn the basics of their tradition before a service
- Respect their beliefs, even if they differ from yours
- Avoid religious phrases they might not share, like “they’re in a better place”
Read more
Grieving styles aren’t set by gender, but many men grow up hearing they should stay strong. Widowed men can face extra health risks, partly because they often have less social support.
Try
- Invite them to do something together, not just to “talk”
- Check in by text, which can feel lower pressure
- Keep inviting them, even if they say no
Grief in children and teens
Young people grieve too, often in different ways.
Children and teens grieve deeply, but they may show it differently from adults. Young children often move in and out of grief. They may cry one minute and want to play the next.
Play and laughter are not a sign they don’t care. Children need breaks from grief, even more than adults do.
How understanding grows with age
- Under 5: may not understand that death is forever, and may ask the same questions again and again
- Around 5 to 7: most children begin to understand what death means, but still find a personal loss very hard to accept
- Tweens and teens: understand death more like adults, but often hide their feelings or pull away
Children may also grieve again as they grow. A new stage of life can bring new questions and feelings about an old loss.
Ways to help a grieving child
- Use clear, simple words like “died”. Phrases like “went to sleep” or “we lost him” can confuse young children.
- Answer questions honestly, in words that fit their age. It’s okay to say “I don’t know.”
- Make sure they know the death was not their fault.
- Say the person’s name and share memories, so they know it’s safe to talk.
- Offer choices, like whether to go to the service or how to say goodbye.
- Keep routines as steady as you can.
- Give them creative outlets like drawing, writing, music or active play.
For teens
- Be a companion, not a director. Listen without trying to fix.
- Ask what they have already heard, since news often spreads on social media.
- Include them in decisions, like planning a memorial.
- Let teachers or school counselors know, since focus can be hard after a loss.
- Help them spend time with friends. Peers are often a big comfort.
If a child or teen has ongoing trouble with school, sleep, eating or friendships, or talks about hurting themselves or others, reach out to a mental health professional.
When someone may need more help
Signs to watch for, and how to gently suggest support.
For most people, the sharpest pain of grief slowly softens over time. For some, grief stays very intense for a long time and makes daily life very hard. Friends and family are often the first to notice.
Signs extra support could help
- Drinking more, or using other substances to cope
- Not looking after themselves, like skipping meals or not getting out of bed
- Pulling away from everyone for a long time
- Still unable to get back to work, school or daily life many months later
- Talking about not wanting to live, or wanting to join the person who died
Read more
Things you could say
- “I’ve noticed things still feel really heavy for you. I care about you.”
- “Would it help to talk to someone who specializes in grief?”
- “I could help you find a group, or come with you to the first visit.”
Read more
Grief counselors and therapists use talk therapies designed for grief, and support groups can ease loneliness. Offering to do the research or make the call can lower the barrier.
Read more
Some people grieving a loss, especially a suicide loss, have thoughts of suicide themselves. If someone talks about not wanting to live, ask them directly and stay with them.
When and where to get help
Help for them, and for you.
Supporting someone through grief can be draining, and it may stir up your own losses. You don’t have to be someone’s only support, and you deserve support too.
Places to point them, or yourself
- A grief counselor or therapist
- A grief support group, in person or online
- A school counselor, for children and teens
- Children’s and teens’ grief groups, where young people meet peers
- Their doctor or clinical provider
📝 Worksheets for this guide
Fill these in privately in the app. Your answers stay on your phone.
Sources
- NHS (UK National Health Service) (2026). Grief after bereavement or loss
- Cleveland Clinic (2023). Grief
- American Psychiatric Association. Prolonged Grief Disorder
- Mayo Clinic News Network (2020). Grief: Coping with reminders after a loss
- Mayo Clinic. Suicide grief
- Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families. How to Help a Child Who is Grieving
- Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families. How to Help a Teen Who is Grieving
- American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org). How Children Understand Death: What to Say When a Loved One Dies
- National Cancer Institute (NCI), National Institutes of Health. Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ®) – Patient Version
- Hospice Foundation of America. Research on grief and grieving
- Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children & Families. Tips for Getting Through the Holidays (with Holiday Plan Worksheet)
This guide is for education and self-care. It is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional care. Please talk to a counselor or clinical provider about your health. Reviewed October 2026.
