Looking after yourself while supporting someone

You might be a friend, partner, parent, sibling, roommate or coworker. Supporting someone doesn’t have to be your job to take a toll.

When you’re exhausted, it’s harder to be patient, listen well or notice warning signs. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s how you keep caring over the long run.

In one large survey, people caring for an adult with a mental health condition had been doing it for 8.7 years on average. Pacing yourself matters.

Many mental health caregivers worry that their loved one will harm themselves. Living on alert can wear down your sleep, focus and patience.

Nearly half of mental health caregivers in one survey said it was hard to talk with others about their loved one’s mental health. Keeping it all inside adds to the strain.

If you feel numb, dread every call, or can’t remember the last time you rested, your stress may be building into burnout or compassion fatigue.

About 1 in 5 caregivers report poor health. Tell your own doctor that you’re supporting someone. They can check on you and may know local support groups.

A supporter’s role is not to diagnose, treat or know all the answers. When professionals step in, you can hand over and go back to being a friend or family member.

You can ask, “Is there someone else you’d like to talk to as well?” Encourage them to reconnect with friends, family, groups or a professional.

You might say

• “I love being here for you, and I want you to have more people in your corner.”
• “Who else could we tell, so you have backup when I’m at work?”
• “Would you be open to talking to a counsellor too?”

You can’t be on call 24 hours a day. Together, make a list of who else they can reach, including crisis lines that are open all night.

In the U.S., 988 (call or text) and Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741) are free and open 24/7.

Before a hard conversation, check whether you’re in a good headspace and the right person for it. If you’re not, it’s okay to wait, or to think of someone else who could reach out.

You might say

• “I can talk for 20 minutes now, and call you again tomorrow.”
• “I love you, and I need to sleep. Let’s talk in the morning.”
• “I’m at work right now. Can I call you at 6?”

It’s okay to say no to things like lending money you can’t afford, keeping dangerous secrets, or being someone’s only plan. Saying no to one thing can make room to say yes to others.

Things that may help

• A hot shower or a warm drink
• A short walk outside
• Eating something, even small
• Slow breaths, breathing out longer than in

Shaking, crying or feeling wired after a crisis are common stress reactions. They usually ease with rest and support.

Talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. You can share your own feelings without sharing every private detail of their story.

Writing down what happened, what you did well and what you need now can help your mind let go. The “After a hard day” worksheet gives you prompts.

After a crisis, it’s easy to replay what you “should” have done. Try naming what you did right: you listened, you stayed, you got help.

Guilt often shows up when you rest, say no, or enjoy yourself while they’re struggling. You’re allowed to have a life, too. Your joy doesn’t take anything away from them.

Feeling angry at the illness, the system, or even the person you love is common. Resentment often means you’ve been giving more than you can. It’s a cue to ask for help or adjust your limits.

You may miss who they used to be, or the plans you shared. Naming that loss can help you carry it.

In close relationships, support usually flows both ways over time. If you’re always giving and never receiving, it’s okay to name that, and to look for support elsewhere.

Even a few hours of respite a week can improve your wellbeing. A break might be a friend stepping in, a family member taking a shift, or a community service.

Pick a task or block of time you’d like someone to cover. A shared online calendar lets others sign up for regular help.

You might ask

• “Could you call her on Thursdays?”
• “Could you drop off dinner on Monday?”
• “Would you sit with him Saturday afternoon so I can go out?”

Protect at least one activity that has nothing to do with supporting anyone. It’s a reminder that you are a whole person, not only a helper.

Small steps

• Eat regular meals
• Move your body, even for ten minutes
• Protect your sleep where you can
• Step away from your phone for a while each day

NAMI offers free programs for families and friends, like NAMI Family-to-Family classes and NAMI Family Support Groups, in person and online.

NAMI also runs a Family Caregiver HelpLine: call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) and choose option 4, Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET.

Al-Anon is a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. It can help whether or not the person who drinks seeks help. Meetings happen in person, online and by phone.

Online support groups let you share experiences and find new resources.

Counselling for yourself can help you sort through feelings, set limits and cope with stress. You don’t need to be in crisis to deserve it.

It may be time to get support if you

• Are drinking or using other substances more to cope
• Can’t remember the last time you rested
• Feel hopeless, numb or constantly on edge
• Have stopped seeing your own friends
• Have thoughts of harming yourself

If a situation needs emergency services or other professional help, your role changes once they take over. You can step back to being a loved one.

If the person you’re supporting threatens, controls or hurts you, that’s not something to carry alone. You deserve to be safe.

You might say

• “I care about you, and I can’t be your only support right now.”
• “I’m going to take a few days to rest. Here’s who you can call.”

In the U.S., call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). Both are free and open 24/7.

The NAMI HelpLine (800-950-6264, Monday to Friday, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ET) offers free information and support. Family caregivers can choose option 4.

FindTreatment.gov, run by SAMHSA, helps you find mental health services near you. Your own primary care provider is also a good place to start.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines by country. In an emergency, call your local emergency number.

In the app

• Boundaries when you care for family
• Caregiver stress & burnout
• Caring for yourself as a long-term carer
• Codependency
• Compassion fatigue
• Setting boundaries & saying no
• Support groups & peer support
• Supporting someone from far away
• Supporting someone you love
• What to say (and not say) when someone is struggling