When someone you love hoards

Anger often comes from fear and love: fear for their safety, and love for the person you remember. It helps to let out these feelings somewhere safe, like with a friend, therapist or support group, before talking with your loved one.

Embarrassment can stop families from inviting people over or asking for help. Over time, the whole family can become isolated. Speaking to someone you trust, or to others who understand, can lift a heavy weight.

Family members often feel grief for lost time, lost space, or a parent who seems to value things over people. This grief is real, even when the person is still here.

When a loved one claims more and more of a shared home and resists family decisions about it, people often feel helpless, frustrated and vulnerable. These feelings make sense.

The IOCDF reminds families that hoarding is hard to change and can’t be forced. Accepting that is not giving up. It frees you to focus on what you can do: safety, kind words and looking after yourself.

Keep talk open and respectful, and show you understand their attachment to their things. Motivational interviewing ideas help: ask about what they want for their life, and let them find their own reasons to change.

Things you might say

• “I can see these things really matter to you.”
• “I noticed the table is clear. That’s great.”
• “I’m worried about you falling. Can we clear a path together?”
• “What would you like your home to feel like?”
• “You’re in charge of what stays. I’m here to help.”

Try to avoid

• Arguing about whether an item is “worth” keeping
• Calling them lazy, dirty or crazy
• Expecting a clutter-free home right away
• Taking over all the decisions
• Telling them what to do, or lecturing
• Throwing things away without permission

Motivational interviewing is a kind, curious way of talking. Instead of telling the person what to do, you help them notice the gap between how life is now and how they want it to be, like having grandchildren visit or cooking again.

It takes a lot of patience. It means letting them find their own answers in their own time. A mental health professional can teach you how.

Ideas

• Celebrate every bit of progress
• Help carry donations out on the same day
• Help find a therapist or support group
• Offer to sit with them while they sort, without deciding for them
• Set small goals together, like one clear chair

Family accommodation means doing things that make hoarding easier to continue, like storing items for them or paying for storage units. It usually comes from love and from wanting to avoid fights.

Reducing accommodation works best in steps, with warning and with their input. For example, giving three months’ notice before you stop paying for storage gives them time to plan.

Questions to ask yourself

• Am I keeping or storing things for them?
• Am I paying for storage, or for more items?
• How have I changed my own routines because of the clutter?

The IOCDF describes Family-As-Motivators (FAM) training, which teaches family members skills for two goals: improving their own wellbeing, and making it more likely their loved one will seek help.

Clutter raises fire risk, can block exits, and can stop firefighters and paramedics from getting in. Fires in cluttered homes can be harder to fight. Narrow paths lead to trips and falls, especially for anyone with limited mobility.

In severe cases, floors can weaken under the weight of clutter and water damage, and pests can make a home unsafe to live in.

In very cluttered homes, pets may not be able to reach litter boxes or get outdoors. If there are many animals that aren’t being cared for, animal welfare workers may need to get involved.

Children usually can’t escape the clutter. They may feel too embarrassed to invite friends, feel that the things matter more than they do, or feel caught between parents. They may feel isolated, resentful, sad or angry about what they have to give up.

For young people living with this

• Ask for one clear, safe space that is yours
• It is not your fault, and you are not alone
• Talk to a trusted adult, school counselor or relative
• Your feelings, including anger and sadness, are valid

Spouses often tolerate a partner’s hoarding for years. Over time, frustration can build into hostility, and some couples separate. The partner who hoards may feel ashamed, guilty or resentful, which can make parenting together harder.

Sometimes both partners hoard. Then change is unlikely unless both agree to work on it together.

In severe cases, children may have no room to play or study. Making sure each child has a clear bed, a place to do homework and a safe path through the home is a good, concrete goal.

If a neighbour or someone else becomes worried about the home, they may call child protective services. An investigation can follow. In serious cases, children may be removed unless other living arrangements are made, which can be devastating for a family.

Getting help early, focusing on safety, and showing steady progress can protect both the children and the family.

Some adult children become estranged over disagreements about the hoarding, or blame their parent for the conditions they grew up in. These feelings are understandable.

Parents may worry that a cluttered home isn’t safe for young children, so visits stop. That can leave the grandparent even more isolated.

Ideas that keep connection going

• Agree on one clear, safe room for visits
• Make video calls part of the routine
• Meet at a park, café or your home
• Use “seeing the grandkids” as a gentle, shared goal

Being in a caregiving role can bring more conflict, chronic worry, anxiety and low mood. It can also shake your sense of security, disrupt your finances and make it hard to plan for the future.

Experts suggest building trust first, treating sentimental items with care, and linking less clutter to what your parent wants most, which is often staying independent at home.

Senior centers, councils on aging and area agencies on aging can help assess and support. Elder protective services can step in if hoarding leads to neglect.

Fire departments, public health departments and housing authorities may inspect a home. If it breaks health and safety codes, they can go to a judge to bring the property into line. In extreme cases, a home can be condemned.

Some people are pressured into treatment by a court order after an inspection.

If too many belongings or unsanitary conditions break a lease, a landlord can ask a court to evict the tenant. Clutter can also spread pests to neighbours or strain a building, which adds pressure.

Under the U.S. Fair Housing Act, a housing provider may need to make a “reasonable accommodation” (a change to a rule, policy or practice) for a person with a disability, which can include a mental health condition.

A Boston fair housing program explains that, for hoarding, this can be a remedy plan with support services and a personal schedule for clean-up and inspections. A spoken or written request can be enough. A request can be refused if it would be an undue burden or fundamentally change the housing program.

Hoarding task forces coordinate a community’s response, so a person isn’t facing housing, health and safety teams alone. They may include police, fire, public health, social work and inspection departments. Many offer public education, trainings and family support.

At least 75 U.S. communities have formed one. The IOCDF Hoarding Center has a “Find a Hoarding Task Force” directory.

If hoarding is judged to be neglect or abuse, protective service workers may seek guardianship of children, disabled people or older adults. Animal welfare workers may ask a court to remove animals that are being neglected.

The IOCDF notes that eviction, forced clean-outs or removals alone don’t address the underlying problem, and it often comes back.

Some judges and lawyers now work with social service providers to pair pressure with support. A key step is a written plan that spells out the changes needed in the home and sets a timeline with checkpoints.

The IOCDF encourages families to be assertive: clear and honest, without being passive or aggressive. You can say how the hoarding affects you while still respecting your loved one.

Examples

• “I can help on Saturday mornings for an hour.”
• “I can’t keep storing boxes in my garage after June.”
• “I love you, and I need the kids to have a clear room when we visit.”

Family members often feel alone. Groups and trainings for families can help you learn supportive skills and look after your own wellbeing. Therapists, social workers and peer groups can all help.

The IOCDF suggests families validate their own feelings and seek support from a therapist, social worker or peer group. A therapist can also teach you skills, like motivational interviewing, to support your loved one.

Ideas

• Keep up your own friendships and interests
• Notice when you need a break, and take it
• Talk to a therapist about your own feelings

Treatment options include CBT for hoarding, skills training in organizing and decision-making, and therapist-led or peer-led groups. In CBT, the person makes all the decisions about what to keep, and others can help with sorting and hauling once they set the rules.

In the UK, the NHS suggests seeing a GP, who can usually refer someone to a mental health specialist. Elsewhere, a family doctor is a good first step.

If you or your loved one need to talk to someone now, findahelpline.com lists free, confidential helplines in many countries.