When a parent or grandparent is struggling

Find one safe adult to talk to: another relative, a teacher, a school counsellor, a coach or a faith leader. Telling someone isn’t being disloyal to your parent. It helps you both.

You could say

• “Can I talk to you about something at home?”
• “My mom hasn’t been well, and I don’t know what to do.”
• “I’m doing a lot at home and I’m really tired.”

It’s okay to want to understand what’s happening. Programs that help children of parents with mental health conditions often include explaining the illness in simple words.

Questions you might ask a trusted adult

• Is my parent getting help?
• What should I do if things get scary?
• Who can look after me if my parent can’t?
• Will my parent get better?

Keeping up the things you enjoy isn’t selfish. It gives you energy and reminds you who you are. Your parent would want that for you too.

Some young people end up cooking, cleaning, looking after younger siblings or caring for their parent. If that’s you, tell a trusted adult so you get help too. You still get to be a kid.

See the “Growing up too fast” guide for more on young carers.

Programs that support children of parents with mental health conditions, often teaching coping skills and explaining the illness, lowered the chance that children developed a similar condition by about 40% in a 2012 review of trials. A 2021 review of 20 trials found a risk reduction of almost 50%.

• “Dad, you haven’t seemed like yourself lately. I’m worried about you.”
• “I love you. I’d feel better if we could see the doctor together.”
• “Mom, would you let me help you find someone to talk to?”

SAMHSA suggests voicing your concern, reminding them that help is available, and offering to help with everyday tasks. A concrete offer like “Can I drive you on Tuesday?” is often easier to accept than “Let me know if you need anything.”

You might start with sleep, stress or physical health, which can feel easier to talk about. Use the words your parent uses. See the “Culture & mental health” guide for more.

Adults have the right to make their own choices about care, unless they are in danger. If your parent isn’t ready, stay kind and try again another day. You can still share your worries with their provider, even if they can’t share back.

Include your parent in decisions as much as possible. NAMI reminds families that respecting a loved one’s right to decide builds a healing, respectful home.

Share tasks with siblings and relatives. NAMI warns against leaving all the caretaking to one person to “spare” others. Your parent can have a role too, in ways that fit what they can do.

The “Sharing the load” worksheet in the “When someone in your family is struggling” guide can help you divide tasks fairly.

Ask your parent, at a calm time, if they will let their providers talk with you. Then you can learn the plan and know who to contact if you notice worrying changes. Even without permission, you can usually still share your concerns.

If your parent was unwell when you were small, caring for them now can bring back old hurt, anger or fear. That doesn’t make you a bad son or daughter. A counsellor or family support group can help you sort through it.

• “I’m happy to drive you to appointments, but I can’t pay your rent.”
• “If you start insulting me, I’ll leave and come back another day.”
• “I’ll visit on Sundays. I can’t come every day.”

Lead with love, state the limit, and say what you will do. “I love you, and I want to keep visiting. If the shouting starts, I’ll leave and come back tomorrow.” Then follow through calmly, the same way each time.

If a parent was abusive, you don’t owe them caregiving. Your safety and healing matter. You can choose how much contact feels right, including none.

See the “Dealing with difficult family”, “Narcissistic parents” and “Low contact & no contact” guides.

It can be a shock to see a grandparent low, confused or anxious. The CDC says depression is not a normal part of ageing. It is treatable, and most older adults see their symptoms improve with treatment.

People with several health conditions, limited daily functioning or sleep problems are more likely to have depression. Changes in memory or thinking should be checked by a doctor too.

See the “Old age: mental health in later life” and “Dementia: understanding it” guides for more.

• Ask about their life and stories
• Bring the grandkids, if it’s a good day for them
• Call or visit on a regular day, so they have something to look forward to
• Help them use video calls to stay close to family far away
• Include them in decisions about their care
• Offer to go to appointments with them, or to exercise together

The Eldercare Locator (1-800-677-1116), a public service of the U.S. Administration for Community Living, can connect older adults and their families to local services and Adult Protective Services.

Many grandparents raise grandchildren because a parent is unwell, using substances or absent. This can bring joy, and also exhaustion, money worries and grief for their own child. In 2021, nearly half of U.S. grandparents responsible for grandchildren had been doing it for five years or more.

Support ideas

• Family therapy, which can include grandparents
• Local family support groups and kinship care programs (ask the Eldercare Locator)
• Respite from other relatives, so grandparents can rest

See the “Growing up without parents” guide for the children’s side.

NAMI says guilt about resenting care tasks is untrue and unhelpful. Noticing feelings without judging them lowers stress and helps you choose how to act.

• Keep a standing plan with friends, like a monthly lunch
• Move your body most days
• Protect your sleep
• Write down one good thing each day, however small

NAMI Family Support Groups are for any adult whose loved one has symptoms of a mental health condition. They are led by family members with lived experience, and many meet online.

For long-term caring, see the “Family caregivers” and “Caregiver stress & burnout” guides.