Culture, family and body size: comments, ideals and pressure

A study of more than 7,000 people in 26 countries found that ideal body sizes varied between regions. Within some countries, people in lower-income areas preferred heavier bodies than people in wealthier areas.

In the same study, more exposure to Western media was linked with preferring thinner bodies and, for women, with feeling less happy with their own bodies.

Families who move between countries can end up with two sets of ideals at once: one from home and one from the new place.

An elder who lived through hard times may see a full face as a sign of health and safety. A teenager may see the same body through social media’s eyes. Neither is “right.” Both are shaped by what they lived through.

In many places, thinness is tied to beauty, discipline or marriage prospects. Pressure can start young and can come from relatives, friends and screens all at once.

Some communities and online trends celebrate a curvy shape, but only a very specific one. People who are naturally slim, or curvy in a different way, can feel they don’t measure up either.

In some families a fuller body means you are cared for and doing well. Thinner relatives may be urged to eat more, or worried over. This pressure is real too, and it can be just as painful.

Boys and men often hear that they should be bigger and more muscular. This pressure is common and often hidden.

Body comments often come bundled with comments about skin colour, hair or “ethnic” features. These can be tied to colourism and long histories of whose looks were valued.

In some cultures, remarking on someone’s size is an ordinary greeting, said as casually as “You’ve grown taller!” The speaker may not mean harm. The listener may still carry it for days.

Many relatives truly worry. But weight comments rarely help health. Research links family weight talk with more dieting and unhealthy ways of trying to lose weight in teens.

In some families, body size is tied to marriage, matchmaking or family reputation. This can feel like your body belongs to everyone but you.

Comparisons between siblings or cousins can damage relationships between the young people themselves, not just with the adult. Each child deserves to be seen on their own.

Try

• “Everything is delicious. I’m full now, but can I take some home?”
• “I love your food. Please don’t worry about how much I eat.”
• “Thank you for cooking. I’ll have a little more of this one.”

Pediatric experts note that family meals have been linked with better eating and fewer eating disorders in teen girls. The key is to keep the table a place for connection, not weight talk.

Religious fasting periods and festival feasts can be meaningful times together. They can also bring extra attention to who is eating what. You can take part in the meaning without joining in body talk.

Instead of… try

• “Don’t eat that, you’ll get fat.” → “Let’s add some fruit to lunch.”
• “You need to lose weight.” → “How are you feeling in yourself lately?”
• “You’re getting chubby.” → “Want to go for a bike ride with me?”

When adults call themselves “fat” or “disgusting,” children learn that bodies are things to criticise. Speaking kindly about your own body teaches more than any lecture.

Try

• “Ha, maybe! Anyway, how’s work?”
• “I’m doing well, thank you! How is your garden?”
• “Let’s not talk about bodies today. Tell me about your trip.”

Try

• “I know you care about me. Comments about my weight make me feel bad, not cared for.”
• “I’d love it if we could talk about other things when we see each other.”
• “My doctor and I take care of my health. I promise.”

Sometimes a message lands better from someone the elder respects, such as a parent, an older sibling or a favourite cousin. You can ask them, privately, to step in or change the subject.

A quiet call or message before a visit can work better than a reaction in front of everyone. It gives the other person a chance to change without losing face.

If the comments keep coming, you can take a break, help in the kitchen, play with the kids or go for a short walk. You can also leave earlier than planned.

Ideas

• Choose an outfit that fits now and feels comfortable
• Decide on one or two lines you’ll use if needed
• Know how you’ll get home if you need to leave
• Pick a buddy for the day

Brides, grooms and wedding parties often face pressure to change their bodies for photos. You are allowed to show up as you are. The people who love you are coming to see you, not a different version of you.

Some people find it healing to be in photos anyway, so they exist in their family’s memories. Others prefer to take the photos. Both are okay. Try not to let shame make the choice for you.

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests stopping weight teasing at home, whether from siblings or parents, and agreeing on family ground rules for supportive talk.

Try

• “I love how kind you were to your cousin.”
• “You make me laugh.”
• “You worked so hard on that.”

Pointing out strengths that have nothing to do with weight helps protect a child’s self-esteem.

Try

• “I know you mean well, but it hurts him. Can we talk about something else?”
• “Please tell her what you love about her instead.”
• “We don’t comment on bodies in our family anymore. Thank you for helping with that.”

Changing how your family talks about bodies does not mean giving up your culture. Recipes, celebrations and traditions can all carry on without the comments.

You might notice

• Eating in secret or hiding food
• Exercising even when sick or hurt
• Fear or panic around certain foods
• Skipping meals or family dinners
• Talking about their body with disgust

In some families, mental health problems are kept private or seen as weakness. Reaching out can feel like betraying the family. Getting help is an act of care, for you and for the people who love you.

Call ANAD free on 1-888-375-7767, Monday to Friday, 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Central. ANAD also runs free online peer support groups.

Call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. You can also text HOME to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line, 24/7.

Visit findahelpline.com to find free, confidential helplines in more than 150 countries.