Everyday slights and microaggressions

These are the most openly hostile: a slur passed off as a joke, a mocking impression, or leaving someone out on purpose. In research, these were the type most strongly linked to distress.

Comments that put someone down without meaning to sound mean, often based on a stereotype.

For example

• “You’re so inspiring for just going to work.”
• “You’re pretty smart for a…”
• “You don’t look gay.”

Comments that deny or dismiss someone’s feelings or reality.

For example

• “Everyone gets a bit anxious.”
• “You’re being oversensitive.”
• “We’re all a bit OCD.”

Ageism is stereotypes, prejudice and discrimination based on age. It affects both older and younger people, and is linked to poorer physical and mental health in older age.

Hidden messages

• Older people: “You can’t keep up with technology.”
• Younger people: “Your opinion doesn’t count yet.”
• Talking loudly or slowly to an older adult without being asked

Comments about weight, food choices or clothes, even framed as “concern,” can send the message that a body is a problem to be fixed.

For example

• “Are you sure you want to eat that?”
• “You’d be so pretty if you lost weight.”
• Seats, gowns or equipment that don’t fit, with no alternative offered

Disabled adults who face more ableist microaggressions report poorer mental health, and people with visible disabilities tend to report more of them.

These slights can include treating someone as helpless, calling them “inspiring” for ordinary things, or doubting that they are really disabled.

For example

• Grabbing someone’s wheelchair without asking
• “But you seemed fine yesterday.”
• Talking to the interpreter or companion, not the person
• “Everyone’s a bit forgetful.”

In the APA survey, 30% of women named gender as a reason for day-to-day discrimination. Slights can include being interrupted, having ideas credited to someone else, or assumptions about roles.

For example

• Being asked to take notes or get coffee in every meeting
• “You’re very emotional today.”
• “Who’s watching the kids?” (asked only of mothers)
• Men being teased for caring roles or for showing feelings

A review of research found that microaggressions harm LGBTQ+ people, including LGBTQ+ people of color, who can face more than one kind at once.

Slights can include anti-gay or anti-trans jokes, assuming everyone is straight, treating someone as a stereotype, or refusing to use a person’s name or pronouns.

For example

• “Which one of you is the man?”
• “It’s just a phase.”
• Asking a trans person invasive medical questions
• Repeatedly using an old name after being told

Comments that treat someone as a permanent outsider or judge intelligence by accent can leave people feeling they never fully belong.

For example

• Mimicking an accent
• Refusing to try to say someone’s name
• Assuming someone isn’t a citizen

Using diagnoses as insults or jokes, or brushing off real struggles, can make people less likely to speak up or seek help.

Faith-based slights can include mocking religious dress, scheduling every event on a holy day, or treating someone as a spokesperson for their whole faith.

For example

• “Aren’t you hot in that?”
• “You don’t seem very religious.”
• Assuming everyone celebrates the same holidays
• Asking someone to explain or defend world events linked to their faith

Assumptions about where someone lives, what they can afford or how they speak can leave people feeling judged and on the outside.

For example

• Planning expensive group outings without asking
• Jokes about certain neighbourhoods or jobs
• Surprise that someone from a low-income background is “so well spoken”

The person saying it may think it’s a one-time comment. For you, it may be the tenth time this month. That is why a reaction can look “bigger” than the moment.

Because microaggressions are often unintended or unclear, people can spend a lot of energy wondering what really happened. That uncertainty is draining in itself.

If you speak up, you might be called “too sensitive.” If you stay quiet, you might replay it for days. Neither choice is wrong. The section “Responding: a few options” can help you choose.

A person can mean well and still hurt you. Your hurt is real even if they didn’t intend it, and they can still learn from it.

Keeping a short note of moments that sit wrong can help you see whether there is a pattern with a certain person or place.

Talking it through with someone who understands, especially someone who shares that part of your identity, can help you make sense of it and feel less alone.

You might say

• “What do you mean by that?”
• “Why do you ask?”
• “How is that relevant?”

You might say

• “I don’t find that funny.”
• “Please use my name.”
• “I’d rather not talk about my body.”
• “Please ask before touching my chair.”

You might say

• “I know you meant it kindly, but it came across as…”
• “When people say that, it makes me feel like I don’t belong.”
• “I’d like you to know why that bothered me.”

Telling a manager, teacher or trusted friend, or asking someone to step in with you, is a valid response. If slights are part of a pattern at work or school, you may want to report them.

Not every comment needs an answer. You can decide it’s not worth your energy today and come back to it later, or never. That is your call.

Quick ideas

• Drink some water
• Go outside for a few minutes
• Name five things you can see around you
• Take slow breaths, with a longer breath out

Write down what happened and what you wish you’d said. Then close the notebook. You can always come back to it, but you don’t have to carry it all evening.

You might tell yourself

• “My body is not up for public comment.”
• “My faith is part of who I am, not a joke.”
• “My age doesn’t decide what I can do.”
• “I am the expert on my own disability.”

Emotional support helps people cope with discrimination. A message to a friend who shares your experience can be enough to feel less alone.

A quiet chat later may go better than a reply in front of everyone at a family meal. Starting with care helps: “I love you, and I want to tell you something that’s been bothering me.”

You might say

• “I’m not going to discuss my weight. Let’s talk about something else.”
• “If the jokes continue, I’ll head home early.”
• “Please call my partner by their name.”

A sibling, cousin or friend who understands can redirect conversations, check in with you, or speak to the person themselves.

Some people change with time; some don’t. You get to decide how much contact feels right, and to protect your peace either way.