Masking: hiding your neurodivergence and its costs

In research, autistic adults described “hiding behind what I want people to see.” This can mean holding in stims, keeping quiet about a deep interest, or hiding how much noise hurts.

This means using clever workarounds so struggles don’t show. People described rehearsing conversations, using scripts, and studying how others behave.

Compensating can look like coping well from the outside, while taking huge effort on the inside.

Researchers call this “assimilation”: trying to fit in with the group, even when it feels uncomfortable. People described copying others’ expressions, phrases and style.

Some parts of masking seem more specific to autistic people, like hiding stims and hiding distress from noise or lights.

In a study of adults aged 30 to 90, people with ADHD masked more than people without ADHD or autism. Young adults with ADHD also say masking depends on the setting.

It might look like

• Over-preparing so no one sees you lose track
• Sitting very still while your body wants to move
• Staying up late to catch up in secret
• Using jokes to cover forgetting

Some people with Tourette’s or other tic conditions can hold back tics for a short time. It takes effort, can be distracting, and tics often can’t be stopped completely.

People with dyslexia and other neurodivergent people took part in masking research too, and also described masking and its costs.

It might look like

• Avoiding reading out loud
• Making excuses not to write in front of others
• Pretending to have read something
• Taking work home to finish slowly in private

Masking can make autism harder to spot in girls. But boys and men mask too, and so do nonbinary people.

Researchers warn against calling masking a “female” trait. That idea can make it harder for men, nonbinary people and anyone who doesn’t fit a stereotype to be recognized.

People who face stigma for more than one part of who they are may feel they have to mask more, or in different ways. Researchers say this needs much more study.

People describe

• Asking lots of questions to keep the focus off themselves
• Copying others’ phrases, laughs or expressions
• Forcing eye contact
• Rehearsing conversations beforehand
• Using prepared “scripts” for small talk

People describe

• Hiding stims or fidgeting
• Holding back tics
• Keeping a calm face when overwhelmed
• Sitting still when you need to move

Some autistic people hide how much sounds, lights or textures hurt, so they don’t seem “difficult.”

Many people hold back from talking about the things they love, for fear of being called “weird” or “too much.”

Some people describe having a “repertoire of roles” for different places: one way at work, another with friends, another at home.

In one study, exhaustion was by far the most common result of masking. Some people also felt intense anxiety and stress once a social event was over.

People across different kinds of brains said masking made them feel disconnected from their true self, and that others didn’t know the “real them.” This can feel lonely, even around people.

A large study of autistic adults found more masking was linked with more anxiety, social anxiety and low mood. The link was there for people of all genders.

Masking for a long time can also add to autistic burnout: deep exhaustion, losing skills you used to have, and being less able to handle sensory input.

Masking can lead to a late or missed diagnosis, because others don’t see what you’re going through.

Masking uses a lot of energy, and many people need time alone afterwards to “reset.” If a child seems fine at school but is very tired, upset or withdrawn at home, masking may be one reason worth exploring.

Ideas

• Build quiet time into the after-school routine
• Celebrate their interests, however unusual
• Let them stim and move freely at home
• Share what you notice with the school, kindly and calmly
• Tell them often that who they are is welcome

What helps

• Allow movement and fidget tools
• Check in privately, not in front of the class
• Notice quiet students as well as loud ones
• Offer a calm space for breaks
• Take parents’ and caregivers’ reports from home seriously

After years of masking, some people aren’t sure which parts are “really me.” That is a normal result of masking, not a sign something is wrong with you.

Gentle ways to explore

• Ask yourself: “Do I want this, or do I think I should want it?”
• Notice what you enjoy when no one is watching
• Notice which clothes, sounds and places feel good
• Try writing or drawing about your day

Some places don’t feel safe to unmask, and that is not your fault. Researchers say masking is often an “illusion of choice,” shaped by stigma. Changing that is everyone’s job, not only yours.