Eye contact & autism: you don’t have to force it

In first-hand accounts, people described fear, anxiety and physical reactions like dizziness, headaches or shaking. Some called eye contact physically painful.

Many people said eye contact made them feel exposed or “naked”, as if others could read their private feelings. Some saw it as too intimate for most everyday situations.

Faces and eyes move constantly. Taking all that in while listening to words can be overwhelming and tiring.

Many autistic people said they were unsure how long to hold eye contact or when it was expected. Trying to get it “right” can take attention away from the conversation itself.

Some people worried their gaze sent messages they didn’t mean, like seeming bored or shy. Others found it hard to read feelings from other people’s eyes.

A 2017 brain-scan study showed people videos of faces. When participants were made to focus on the eyes, autistic people showed much higher activity than others in fast, automatic face-processing brain areas, including the amygdala (which helps detect threat).

The researchers suggested this could be part of why many autistic people avoid eye contact in daily life, and that looking away may help lower an uncomfortable level of arousal.

A 2022 Yale study measured brain activity while pairs of people made real, live eye contact. Autistic adults used somewhat different brain areas, and their pupils widened more during real eye contact (not on video), a sign of higher arousal.

Both groups spent similar amounts of time making eye contact, but it seemed to cost autistic adults more.

Both studies had fewer than 25 autistic participants, and both authors note limits. They don’t prove why every autistic person finds eye contact hard. They do suggest it isn’t a choice or a lack of interest.

In first-hand accounts, people described struggling to follow speech while keeping eye contact. The researchers linked this to the effort of taking in what you see and what you hear at the same time.

When people are side by side, nobody expects eye contact. Many families and couples find their best conversations happen on a walk, in the car or while doing a task together.

Some people used words or small signals to show they were listening, instead of eye contact.

Ways to show you’re listening

• Asking a follow-up question
• Nodding or saying “mm-hm”
• Repeating back what you heard
• Saying “I’m listening, I just look away to think”

Holding eye contact can take so much effort that there is little left for listening, thinking or speaking. Over a full day, this adds up.

In first-hand accounts, some autistic adults recalled being pushed by caregivers or therapists to make eye contact as children, and described it as deeply distressing. Many spoke out against forced eye contact.

Autistic adults in the masking study described feeling they had lost touch with their real selves after years of hiding their traits.

Looking at the nose or mouth was the most common strategy in first-hand accounts. To most people, it looks very similar to eye contact.

Some people described glasses (including tinted ones) as a helpful barrier between their eyes and someone else’s.

Softening focus so the face is a little blurry can make looking towards someone easier.

Some people make brief eye contact only at important moments, like saying hello, agreeing to something or saying goodbye, and look elsewhere the rest of the time.

Ideas

• Hide your own video tile
• Look at the camera, which reads as eye contact to others
• Turn your camera off if it’s allowed
• Use the chat box when speaking is hard

Try

• “I listen better when I look away. I’m still with you.”
• “Eye contact is uncomfortable for me. It’s not about you.”
• “If I’m looking at the floor, I’m thinking, not ignoring you.”

Try

• “I focus best when I look at my notes while we talk.”
• “I may not make much eye contact, but I’m paying close attention.”
• “I’m autistic, and looking away helps me concentrate.” (only if you choose to share)

Try

• “I’m autistic. Please don’t read anything into my eye contact.”
• “I may look away while you explain. Could you also write it down?”

Try

• “I don’t do much eye contact. It’s just how my brain works, and I’m enjoying talking with you.”
• “Want to go for a walk while we chat?”

Ideas

• Bring notes so looking down feels natural
• Look near the eyes at the greeting and goodbye
• Mention it briefly if you wish: “I listen best looking at my notes”
• Practise answers out loud beforehand

The Job Accommodation Network (JAN) lists communication adjustments that can help autistic people at work, such as written instructions or communicating in a different way.

JAN’s autism page includes ideas like written instructions, one-to-one communication, recorded messages and instant messaging. These can take pressure off face-to-face talks.

If looking away helps a student listen, insisting on eye contact may make it harder for them to learn. Students and families can ask for this to be noted in a support plan.