Awkward social moments: recovering and moving on

Humans are social. Caring about how others see us helps us get along and fix mistakes. Embarrassment is an uncomfortable feeling, but it is a normal, healthy one.

The trouble starts when the feeling is much bigger than the moment, or when it keeps replaying for days.

We judge ourselves from the inside, where every detail is loud. Other people see us from the outside, while also thinking about their own day.

In studies of new conversations, people kept underestimating how much their conversation partner liked them and enjoyed talking with them. Researchers called this the “liking gap”. For new college roommates, it lasted for months.

Try

• “That came out wrong. What I meant was…”
• “Let me try that again.”
• “Sorry, that sounded harsher than I meant.”

Try

• “Tough crowd!” with a smile
• “OK, that one was better in my head.”
• Just move to the next topic

A joke that misses is very common. People usually forget it within minutes.

Try

• “I’m so sorry, your name has slipped my mind.”
• “Sorry, I mean Sam! Long day.”
• If you used the wrong name or pronoun for someone: “Sorry, she.” Then carry on.

Short pauses feel longer to the speaker than to the listener. If you want to restart, a simple question works.

Try

• “So, what have you been up to this week?”
• “Going back to what you said about…”
• Comment on something around you

Try

• “Anyway, that was a lot about me. How about you?”
• “Sorry, I got carried away there.”

In studies, people judged their own moments of vulnerability more harshly than others did. Others often saw honesty and courage where the person saw only weakness.

Try

• “Well, that was graceful!”
• “I’m OK, just clumsy today.”
• Clean up calmly and keep going

Turn the wave into a hair fix, or just smile. If you answered a question meant for someone else, a quick “Oh, sorry, you meant Jo!” is enough.

Examples

• “Hey, I felt I came across badly earlier. Sorry if it was awkward!”
• “I didn’t mean to cut you off at lunch. I’d love to hear the rest of your story.”
• “Sorry for the strange comment yesterday. I was nervous.”

If nobody seemed hurt and it was just a bit clumsy, bringing it up again can make it more awkward. Ask yourself: “Did anyone get hurt, or did I just feel embarrassed?”

Usually fine to let go

• A joke that didn’t land
• Tripping over your words
• A short silence
• Waving at the wrong person

Saying sorry many times can make others feel they must keep reassuring you. One clear apology is enough. If the urge to apologise is strong and constant, it may be worth exploring with a counselor.

Some people need time. Others may not forgive straight away. If you have apologised sincerely, you have done what you can. Give them space and treat them kindly next time.

Replaying rarely leads to new answers. It just repeats the feeling. When you notice it, try saying to yourself, “This is a replay. I’ve already learned what I can from it.”

In studies, people who talked to themselves using their own name or “you” instead of “I” handled social stress, like meeting someone new or giving a speech, better. It helps you step back and see things from a little distance.

Try

• “Alex, you said one clumsy thing. You’re allowed to.”
• “You handled that better than you think.”
• “You can learn from this and move on.”

1. Write what happened in two or three sentences
2. Write one thing you would do differently, if anything
3. Write one kind thing you would say to a friend in the same spot
4. Close the notebook. The replay is “filed”.

A short walk, a shower, a puzzle, music or talking to someone about something else can break the loop. You aren’t ignoring the moment. You are giving your brain a rest from it.

Night-time is when many old memories surface. Keep a notepad by your bed to jot the thought down and promise yourself to look at it tomorrow. Usually, it looks much smaller in daylight.

You can’t know what others think. Most people are thinking about themselves, and they tend to like us more than we expect.

One awkward moment rarely changes a friendship or reputation. Ask: “What’s the most likely result, not the worst?”

One moment doesn’t erase the rest. Try listing three things that went fine or well.

You did one thing that felt awkward. That doesn’t make you awkward, stupid or unlikeable. Describe the action, not your whole self: “I said something clumsy.”

People judge their own vulnerable moments more harshly than they judge the same moments in others. What looks like weakness from the inside can look like honesty from the outside.

Ask: “Is there one thing I would do differently?” Maybe it’s “Check before I joke about someone’s looks” or “Bring a question to restart the chat.” If there isn’t a lesson, that’s fine too. Sometimes awkward just happens.

Over time, a list of awkward moments that didn’t matter in the end can help you trust that this one will pass too.

Many people find that sharing an embarrassing story with someone they trust makes it lighter. You may find they have a story just like it.

Try

• “I take things literally. Did you mean that?”
• “Did I say something wrong? I’d rather know.”
• “I can be blunt. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Many autistic adults hide their natural ways of being to fit in, and describe this masking as exhausting. Replaying every conversation for mistakes can be part of that.

It’s OK to spend time with people who accept you as you are, where an awkward moment just doesn’t matter.

Ideas

• A quick “Sorry, go ahead!”
• Jot your thought down so you can wait
• Tell close friends: “I sometimes jump in. Feel free to tell me.”

If people keep mocking how you talk or move, that is not an awkward moment. It may be bullying. See “Bullying when you’re autistic: staying safe and getting support”.

Try

• A neutral look and silence
• “I don’t find that funny.”
• “What do you mean by that?”
• Change the subject or walk away

Try

• “Let me think about that.”
• “I’d rather not answer that one.”
• “Good question. Can I get back to you?”

Friendly teasing goes both ways and stops when someone is upset. If it’s one-sided, happens again and again, or leaves you feeling small, it may be bullying.

Try

• “Anyway, did anyone see the game last night?”
• Ask the person a question they’ll enjoy answering
• Laugh with them, never at them

Try

• “Honestly, nobody noticed.”
• “That happens to me all the time.”
• “I had a great time talking with you.”

Because people underestimate how much others like them, a little reassurance can mean more than you think.

Bringing up someone’s awkward moment again, especially in a group or online, can turn a small moment into real hurt.

Telling your child about a time you felt embarrassed, and how it turned out OK, shows them that awkward moments are normal and survivable.