Self-compassion & your inner critic

Self-kindness means meeting your own pain or mistakes with warmth and understanding, instead of beating yourself up. It is the opposite of harsh self-judgment.

When we struggle, it can feel like we are the only ones who mess up or hurt. Common humanity means remembering that struggle and imperfection are part of being human. It is the opposite of feeling isolated.

Mindfulness here means noticing painful thoughts and feelings in a balanced way. You don’t push them away, and you don’t let them take over. It is the opposite of over-identifying with them.

Harvard Health suggests observing your thoughts, feelings and actions without judging them or trying to suppress them.

• It isn’t pretending everything is fine
• It isn’t self-pity: common humanity reminds you others struggle too
• It isn’t the same as self-esteem: you don’t have to feel “better than” anyone

See “Self-compassion myths” for what the research says about motivation and laziness.

Common inner-critic lines

• “Everyone else has it together.”
• “I always mess things up.”
• “I should be further along by now.”
• “Why can’t I just be normal?”

Many people find their inner critic is trying to keep them safe: from failing, from being rejected, from being caught off guard. Some voices echo things said by others long ago.

Understanding this can soften the fight. You can thank it for trying to help, and still choose a kinder way to motivate yourself.

In a UCLA brain-scan study, putting feelings into words lowered activity in the brain’s alarm center. Naming what is going on inside you can help you settle.

Try saying

• “I notice I’m having the thought that I’m a failure.”
• “There’s my inner critic again.”

Harvard Health suggests responding to your own hardship the way you would respond to a good friend going through the same thing.

Critic → friend

• “I always mess up.” → “I got this one wrong. I get lots of things right too.”
• “I should be further along.” → “I’m moving at the pace my life allows.”
• “Everyone else has it together.” → “I only see the outside of other people’s lives.”

The Mindset basics guide has more tools for reframing thoughts.

Many of us only use a few words: fine, stressed, bad. Getting more specific helps you understand what you need. “Bad” might really be lonely, disappointed, embarrassed or worn out, and each needs something different.

Feeling words to try

• Angry: annoyed, frustrated, resentful, hurt
• Happy: calm, proud, hopeful, grateful, relieved
• Sad: lonely, let down, heartbroken, empty
• Scared: worried, nervous, overwhelmed, unsafe

In the UCLA study, people who scored higher on mindfulness also showed more activity in a calming part of the brain and less in the alarm center.

Worry might feel like a tight chest. Anger might feel hot in your face. Sadness might feel heavy in your arms. Noticing where a feeling sits can help you name it, especially if words are hard.

A 2-minute check-in

1. Pause and take one slow breath
2. Scan from your head down to your feet
3. Notice any tightness, heat, heaviness or buzzing
4. Ask, “If this had a name, what would it be?”
5. Ask, “What do I need right now?”

Writing helps you slow down racing thoughts and see them more clearly. There are no rules. You can write a few lines or a few pages, in full sentences or messy lists.

Journal starters

• Right now I feel… because…
• Something I wish someone understood is…
• What I need more of this week is…
• What’s weighing on me today is…

In a 2018 trial, 70 adults with health conditions and high anxiety were split into two groups. One group wrote for 15 minutes, three days a week, for 12 weeks, answering prompts like “What are you thankful for?” and “What did someone else do for you?”

After one month, the writing group had less mental distress and anxiety and more resilience than the group that got usual care. Many of the differences faded over time, so this works best as a regular habit, not a one-off.

Everyone has hard days. You don’t have to fix it or explain it. Sometimes the goal is just to get through today, and that is enough.

On a bad day, try

• Lowering the bar: do only what truly must be done
• One small comfort: a warm drink, a shower, a song
• Telling one person, “Today’s a hard day”

Perfectionism can make every task feel heavy. Most things don’t need to be perfect to be good. Doing your best on the day you have is enough.

Making a mistake does not make you a failure. It makes you human. What matters is what you learn, and how you treat yourself afterward.

After a mistake

1. Name it honestly
2. Make it right if you can
3. Ask what you’d do differently next time
4. Let it go

Sadness, anger, fear and jealousy are part of being human. Pushing them down often makes them louder. Letting yourself feel them, safely, helps them pass.

Safe ways to let feelings out

• Cry if you need to
• Move your body: walk, dance, stretch
• Talk to someone you trust
• Write it down

Wanting space doesn’t mean you don’t love people. It means you need time to recharge. Asking for it clearly is better than snapping later.

Try saying

• “I need 20 minutes to myself, then I’m all yours.”
• “I’m not upset with you. I just need some quiet.”

Putting yourself first now and then is not selfish. Like the oxygen mask on a plane, you need to take care of yourself to be able to care for others.

Sometimes you need a break from the news, social media, group chats or even people you love. Cutting back on news and social media is one of CDC’s tips for managing stress.

You don’t have to be exhausted to deserve rest. Resting before you burn out is smart, not lazy.

Plan rest into your week, the same way you plan other important things. The Rest & recharging guide has many ideas.

Boundaries protect your energy and your relationships. The people who value you will try to respect your limits.

From the study

• Other-oriented: holding other people to unrealistic standards (also rose)
• Self-oriented: demanding perfection of yourself (up 10%)
• Socially prescribed: feeling others demand perfection of you (up 33%)

Ways to practice

• Decide what “done” looks like before you start
• Let one small thing be imperfect on purpose, and notice what happens
• Set a time limit for tasks that tend to drag on
• Share work before it feels “ready”

Often nothing bad happens, and you get time and energy back.

In four experiments, people who were encouraged to treat a mistake with self-compassion were more motivated to improve. They were more likely to believe a weakness could change, more motivated to make amends, and studied longer after failing a test.

A setback doesn’t erase your progress. Treat it as information: what got in the way, and what might help next time?

The Resilience, hope & gratitude guide has more on setbacks, perfectionism and building resilience.

Harvard Health says anything you do to feel better physically gives you a dose of self-compassion: eating well, resting, rubbing your neck, feet or hands, or taking a walk.

Harvard Health suggests writing a letter to yourself about a painful event, like a breakup, losing a job or a presentation that went badly. Don’t blame anyone. Just name how you felt.

The Mindset basics guide has a “Kind letter to myself” worksheet you can use for this.

When something goes wrong, think about what you would say to a good friend in the same situation. Then say those words to yourself.

Kind phrases to try

• “Anyone would find this hard.”
• “I’m allowed to be a work in progress.”
• “It makes sense that I feel this way.”

Harvard Health suggests observing your thoughts, feelings and actions without judging them or trying to push them away. When you don’t like what you see in the mirror, try to accept both the good and the bad with a kind attitude.

This short pause follows the three parts of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness.

1. Notice: “This is a hard moment.”
2. Remember: “Struggling is part of being human. Others feel this too.”
3. Be kind: “May I be gentle with myself right now.” Or use your own words.

In four experiments, self-compassion after a failure or mistake led to more motivation to improve, not less. People studied longer for a hard test and were more motivated to make amends.

A review of 20 samples found a strong link between more self-compassion and fewer symptoms like depression, anxiety and stress. The studies show a link, not cause and effect, but they don’t support the idea that harshness helps.

Self-compassion programs have also been shown to lower self-criticism.

Self-pity can make you feel alone with your problems. Self-compassion includes common humanity: remembering that everyone struggles. That tends to widen your view, not shrink it.

Like the oxygen mask on a plane, you need to take care of yourself to be able to care for others.

Self-esteem often depends on doing well. Self-compassion is there even when you fail. In experiments, a self-compassion approach led to more studying after failure than a self-esteem boost did.

SAMHSA suggests expressing concern and support, and reassuring the person that you care.

Try saying

• “It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself.”
• “That sounds painful. I’m here.”

Ideas

• “Would you talk to me that way if I made the same mistake?”
• “I see how hard you’re trying.”
• “You’re allowed to be human.”

• “Just think positive.”
• “Stop being so dramatic.”
• “You’re overreacting.”

These can make someone feel more alone, or ashamed of how they feel.

When you make a mistake, say out loud, “Oops, I’m human. I’ll fix it.” Children and adults both learn from what they see.

If you’re worried their self-criticism is part of something bigger, like ongoing low mood, see the next section.

NIMH suggests talking to a primary care provider if you have concerns about your mental health. They can refer you to a qualified mental health professional.

Many talk therapies help people work with a harsh inner critic. The CBT, DBT & other talk therapies and Finding mental health care guides explain your options.

NIMH lists warning signs such as talking about wanting to die or being a burden, and feeling hopeless or trapped. If you notice these in yourself or someone else, get help right away.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741.

Find A Helpline (findahelpline.com) lists free, confidential helplines by country and topic, with phone, text and chat options.