Impulse control

An impulse is about speed. The action comes before the thinking. Clinicians describe impulsive acts as rapid, unplanned and poorly thought-out.

Everyday examples

• Blurting out an answer before someone finishes their question
• Adding something to an online cart at midnight
• Firing back an angry reply
• Eating a whole bag of chips without noticing
• Quitting a job or class in the heat of the moment

Afterwards, people often say “I don’t know why I did that.” That makes sense. There was no gap in which to decide. The Urge & craving toolkit guide is all about creating that gap.

A compulsion is different from an impulse. It is a repeated, ritual-like action driven by a felt need to reduce distress, like checking a lock again and again. Experts see the two as overlapping but separate.

People who live with OCD generally don’t get pleasure from their compulsions. They may feel brief relief from anxiety, and then the need returns.

Many habits mix the two. Something can start as an impulse (fun, exciting) and slowly become more driven and repetitive (doing it to feel “normal”). If that sounds familiar, see the OCD guide and the Compulsive habits: the basics guide.

The goal of this guide is not to make you slow and careful about everything. Quick, open, playful energy can make life richer. Many creative and caring people are quick to act.

Signs an impulse was a good one

• You still feel okay about it the next day
• It fit with what you care about
• Nobody was hurt by it
• You would happily do it again

The aim is choice. When you can pause if you want to, you get to keep the spontaneity you love and drop the patterns that cost you.

Many teens don’t get enough sleep, and that makes it harder to pay attention and control impulses. Adults feel this too: most of us snap, snack and spend more after a bad night.

Small sleep wins

• Go to bed and get up at about the same time
• Charge your phone outside the bedroom
• Keep big decisions for the morning when you can
• See the Sleep & mental health guide for more

Alcohol makes it harder for the brain areas that control balance, memory, speech and judgment to work properly. That raises the chance of injuries and other bad outcomes.

So a plan made while sober (“I won’t text my ex”, “I’ll only spend $20”) can melt away after a few drinks. Many people find it easier to set limits before they start, or to skip alcohol when they are already feeling raw.

For more on drinking and drugs, see the Substance Use guide.

You may hear that impulses are all about one brain chemical, or that you can “reset” it with a trick. Real brain science is more complex. Many brain systems, plus sleep, stress, mood, surroundings and habits, all shape how quickly we act.

What the evidence does support

• The brain’s planning areas mature into the mid-to-late 20s
• Sleep loss makes impulses harder to control
• Practised skills and planning make a real difference
• Support from others helps

Saying “I’m feeling rejected” or “I’m really bored and restless” is a tiny pause in itself. It moves you from being inside the feeling to noticing it.

Words to try

• Restless
• Embarrassed
• Left out
• Overwhelmed
• Jealous
• Empty
• Wired

Every urge has a job. If you can name the job, you can find another way to do it that doesn’t cost you so much.

Examples

• Urge to scroll for hours → need for rest or distraction → a short walk or a show with an end time
• Urge to send an angry text → need to be heard → write it in notes, talk tomorrow
• Urge to buy → need for a lift → call a friend, plan something free and fun
• Urge to quit → need for relief from pressure → ask for help with one part

When your body is fired up, your choices tend to be fast and extreme. Settling the body first, even a little, makes the next decision easier.

Quick options

• A few slow breaths with a longer out-breath
• Cold water on your face or hands
• Stepping outside for one minute
• Shaking out your arms and legs

For many more ways to settle, see the breathing guides and the Grounding & calming skills guide.

Impulsivity is one of the main experiences linked with ADHD. It can look like interrupting, intruding on others, or having trouble waiting your turn. For it to point to ADHD, it needs to happen often, in more than one setting, and get in the way of daily life.

Supports for ADHD include talking therapy (such as CBT), parent training and school supports. Whatever plan you and your clinical provider choose is valid.

Many of the outside-the-head tools in the Urge & craving toolkit guide (friction, reminders, if-then plans) work especially well with ADHD. For the full picture, see the ADHD guides.

Anger is one of the strongest pushes toward impulsive action. The STOP skill, delay strategies and if-then plans in the Urge & craving toolkit guide all apply.

The anger guides cover anger in depth: what’s underneath it, managing it day to day, anger in children and anger and safety.

Urges to drink or use can feel like they will last forever, but they rise and fall. Urge surfing (see the Urge & craving toolkit guide) was first developed for exactly this kind of craving.

Thoughts of using are normal in recovery and don’t mean someone will return to use. With good coping skills, people can learn to let them go. The warning sign is when those thoughts grow louder or more frequent.

See the Substance Use guide for substances, safety and support, and the Relapse prevention & setbacks guide for staying on track.

Everyone eats for comfort sometimes. Impulsive eating can become a worry when it feels out of control, brings shame, or is part of a cycle of restricting and then overeating.

Gentle approaches tend to work better than strict rules. Strict rules can backfire and feed the cycle. The Healing your relationship with food guide has kind, practical skills, and the Eating disorders guide explains when to seek help.

Betting, shopping sprees, gaming and other habits can start as impulses and slowly become harder to control. Signs include chasing losses, hiding it, and carrying on despite harm.

Where to read more

• Compulsive habits: the basics
• Gambling & sports betting
• Shopping & spending

The money safeguards in the Everyday impulses guide can also help.

Some people repeatedly pull out their hair or pick at their skin and find it very hard to stop, even after many tries. These are called body-focused repetitive behaviours.

A type of talking therapy called habit reversal training is the main approach. It helps you notice when and why it happens and swap in a harmless action instead. The Hair pulling & skin picking guide covers these habits in depth, including support groups.

Most everyday impulses happen with money, screens and the people closest to us. Shops and apps are often designed to make acting fast easy.

The Everyday impulses guide has practical safeguards for spending, scams, phones, relationships, work and school, plus what to do when an older adult suddenly acts out of character.

It’s normal for young children to grab, hit or melt down. Self-control grows through childhood, and the brain’s planning areas keep maturing into the mid-to-late 20s.

The Self-control for kids & teens guide covers what to expect at each age, games that build self-control, screens, and when to ask for help.

Simple if-then plans had a medium-to-large effect on reaching goals in a review of 94 tests. Sleep, stress and setting all affect how strong our brakes are.

If willpower alone hasn’t worked for you, that’s normal. Try changing the plan and the setting instead of trying harder.

Cravings usually only last a few minutes. Riding them out teaches your brain they’re survivable.

The brain’s planning areas mature into the mid-to-late 20s. Teens may take more risks around peers. But the teen brain is also very good at adapting and learning.

In experiments, people who treated a recent mistake with self-compassion were more motivated to make amends and avoid repeating it.

Sleep, stress, strong emotions, alcohol, ADHD, brain changes and much more can all play a part. Labels like “careless” or “reckless” hide the real story and make change harder.

Pick a time when things are settled, not in the middle of an impulsive moment.

Try saying

• “I’ve noticed things have felt rushed lately. How are you doing?”
• “I care about you. Can we figure out a plan together?”
• “What would help you pause next time?”
• “Would you be open to talking to someone? I can help you find a person.”

Try to avoid

• “What is wrong with you?”
• “You’re so reckless”, or other labels
• “Just stop doing it”
• Bringing up every past mistake
• Lecturing in the heat of the moment

Shame tends to push people into hiding, not changing. Self-compassion is linked with more motivation to make things right.

Ideas

• Offer to be their check-in buddy before big decisions
• Help set up friction, like removing saved cards or apps, if they ask
• Practise the STOP skill or urge surfing together (see the Urge & craving toolkit guide)
• Praise effort and pauses, not just results
• Help them find a therapist or skills group

Boundaries protect the relationship. They’re about what you will do, not about controlling them.

Examples

• “I won’t lend money for things that aren’t planned.”
• “If you drive after drinking, I won’t get in the car.”
• “If the conversation turns to shouting, I’ll step away and come back later.”

Living with someone’s impulses can leave you on edge. Make sure you have your own people to talk to and time to rest.

Ideas

• Talk to a friend, faith leader or therapist about how you feel
• Join a support group for families
• Keep doing things you enjoy
• Remember: their choices are not your fault

See the Supporting someone you love guide for more on caring for yourself while helping others.

Telling someone your if-then plan makes it more real. Having someone to text in the moment (“I really want to buy this, talk me down!”) is a powerful pause.

Ideas

• A weekly check-in call or message
• Sharing wins, not just slips
• Swapping one tip each week

DBT skills groups, peer support groups and recovery meetings let people practise skills, share what works and feel less alone. Many are free.

Faith communities, sports teams, clubs and volunteering can also give structure, purpose and people who notice when you’re struggling.

Children respond well to clear, calm and steady limits. Families and schools that model calm and praise good choices help children build self-control.

Ideas

• Family “pause words” everyone can use
• Phone-free dinners or bedrooms for everyone, adults included
• Schools teaching calm-down skills
• Celebrating patience and kindness

Ideas

• Offer to hold a friend’s phone on a night out
• Be the designated driver
• Suggest “let’s sleep on it” when a friend is about to make a big move
• Check in after a hard day
• Share this guide with someone who might find it helpful

If you have urges to hurt yourself or end your life, please reach out now: call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741. You don’t have to be sure, and you don’t have to wait until it gets worse.

Right now

• Put distance between you and anything you could use to hurt yourself
• Go to where other people are
• Tell one person: “I’m not safe right now”

See the “Suicide prevention: the basics” guide and the Coping with urges to self-harm guide for much more, including safety plans.

If you feel an urge to hurt someone, leave the situation if you can do so safely. Go somewhere you can calm down, away from them.

Then

• Call or text 988 to talk it through
• Call 911 if someone is in immediate danger
• Talk to a therapist about what’s happening

Reaching out about these urges is a responsible, brave step. The anger guides also cover anger and safety.

Young drivers are more likely to speed. In 2020, 35% of male drivers and 18% of female drivers aged 15 to 20 who were in fatal crashes were speeding. Having teen or young adult passengers also raises crash risk for unsupervised teen drivers.

Safer choices

• Don’t drive when you’re very angry or upset. Wait, walk or call someone
• Never drive after drinking or using drugs
• Never ride with a driver who has been drinking or using
• Agree on a no-questions-asked ride home with family

Alcohol makes it harder for the brain areas behind judgment to do their job, which raises the chance of injuries and other harm.

Stay safer

• Decide your limits before you start
• Stay with people you trust
• Never mix substances
• Call 911 if someone can’t be woken or is struggling to breathe

See the Substance Use guide for safety information and support.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) looks at the thoughts behind impulsive actions and helps build patience and self-control.

What you might do

• Track urges and what sets them off
• Spot “I have to have it now” thinking
• Practise delaying in small steps
• Plan for tricky situations ahead of time

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance and emotion regulation. Distress tolerance means handling hard situations without reacting in harmful ways.

DBT is especially helpful for people who find it hard to manage and regulate emotions. It often includes a weekly skills group.

Mindfulness programmes build awareness and a pause before acting. Urge surfing grew out of this work.

In a review of studies on substance use, mindfulness had a substantial effect on reducing cravings and a smaller effect on use itself.

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) focuses on accepting uncomfortable inner experiences, like urges, and choosing actions that fit your values.

The “Know your why” section and Values check worksheet in the Urge & craving toolkit guide use ideas like these.

Habit reversal training helps people replace an automatic behaviour with a planned, controlled response. Contingency management rewards self-control and thoughtful choices.

You can borrow the idea at home: notice small wins and reward them, like a favourite activity after a week of sticking to your plan.