Gratitude: what helps & what doesn’t

Harvard Health lists simple ways to build gratitude, like writing thank-you notes, keeping a gratitude journal, counting blessings and praying if you are religious.

Gratitude doesn’t mean pretending things are fine, or that you have no right to be upset. Noticing a kind text on an awful day doesn’t cancel the awful day. Both are true.

You can appreciate what someone did and still set boundaries with them, disagree with them or step away from them. Gratitude never requires you to accept harm.

In a 10-week study, people who wrote about gratitude each week felt more optimistic and better about their lives. They also exercised more and had fewer doctor visits than people who wrote about irritations.

Partners who expressed gratitude to each other felt more positive toward each other and more comfortable raising concerns.

A review of 27 studies found gratitude exercises had a small effect on depression and anxiety symptoms. The effect was much smaller when compared with other simple activities instead of doing nothing.

The researchers suggested that people looking to ease depression or anxiety use approaches with stronger evidence, like talk therapy.

In a study of nearly 300 adults starting counseling, those who also wrote one gratitude letter a week for three weeks reported better mental health 4 and 12 weeks later than those who didn’t write.

Their letters used fewer negative emotion words. The researchers think gratitude may draw attention away from painful feelings like resentment and envy.

In one study, people who wrote in a gratitude journal once a week for six weeks felt happier afterward, but people who wrote three times a week did not. We get used to good things quickly when we focus on them constantly.

Going into detail about one thing you’re grateful for carries more benefit than a quick list of many things.

Add details like

• What exactly happened?
• How did it feel?
• Why did it matter to you?
• What would have been different without it?

Writing about people you’re grateful to has more impact than writing about things you’re grateful for.

Try imagining what your life would be like without certain good things, instead of only listing them. This “subtraction” can stir up fresh gratitude.

Writing about unexpected good things tends to bring stronger gratitude. It’s easy to go numb to the everyday good in our lives.

Research suggests journaling works better when you first decide that you want to become happier and more grateful.

Telling yourself someone else has it worse can make you feel guilty for struggling, without making anything better. Pain isn’t a competition.

Try instead

• “This is hard, and I also have some good things.”
• “What’s one thing that helped me today?”

Saying “you should be grateful” to someone who is hurting can leave them feeling unheard and ashamed. Listening first helps far more.

Try instead

• “That sounds really hard.”
• “I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “Do you want help, or do you want me to listen?”

Some people felt more guilt or indebtedness after writing gratitude letters, and some studies found smaller benefits for people from more community-centered cultures.

Because we adapt to good things quickly, writing the same list over and over can go stale. Mixing it up and going deeper keeps it meaningful.

The researchers found that letter writers worried about how well they expressed themselves, while the people receiving the letters focused on the warmth behind it.

In a study of people in counseling, only 23% sent their gratitude letters, but those who didn’t send them still benefited.

Try

• Name exactly what they did: “Thanks for checking in on me Tuesday.”
• Say how it helped: “It made the day feel lighter.”
• Thank people who are often overlooked: bus drivers, cleaners, cafeteria staff
• Send a quick text to someone who helped you years ago

Try this

1. Get comfortable and take a few slow breaths
2. Bring to mind one good moment from today
3. Picture it in detail: where, who, what it felt like
4. Notice any warmth or ease in your body
5. Let your mind rest there as you drift off

This study found a link, not proof that gratitude causes better sleep. It’s a gentle thing to try, not a sleep fix.

If nothing comes to mind, that’s okay. You might simply notice your pillow, a warm blanket or the quiet. Small counts.

Examples

• “I miss her so much, and I’m grateful for the years we had.”
• “Today was awful, and my friend’s text helped a little.”
• “I’m exhausted, and the sun felt nice on my face.”

Some people find comfort in writing what they’re thankful for about someone who has died. Others aren’t ready, and that’s okay too.

If you try gratitude and feel flat, that isn’t a failure. Gratitude exercises have only small effects on depression symptoms, so it makes sense if they don’t lift a heavy mood.

Harvard Health lists prayer as one way to cultivate gratitude for people who are religious.

Examples

• A blessing before meals
• Morning or evening prayers of thanks
• Giving to others as an act of thanks
• Thanksgiving festivals and harvest celebrations

In many families and communities, gratitude is shown less by saying it and more by doing: cooking for someone, helping an elder, or supporting the community that supported you.

Ideas

• A “best part of the day” question at dinner
• A gratitude jar where everyone adds a note
• Drawing a thank-you picture for a helper
• Grown-ups sharing their own thanks out loud

Partners who expressed gratitude felt more positive toward each other and more comfortable talking about concerns in the relationship.

Ideas

• Thank someone for a chore they always do
• Leave a sticky note on the mirror
• Share one thing you appreciated about each other at the end of the week

In a study at the Wharton School, university fundraisers whose director thanked them made 50% more fundraising calls the following week.

Ideas

• Name a coworker’s specific help in a meeting
• Send a short thank-you message after a project
• Thank people whose work is often invisible

Ideas

• A card for a teacher, nurse or neighbour
• Volunteering for a group that once helped you
• Thanking local businesses or volunteers
• A group thank-you note from a club or class